Wednesday, August 31, 2011


Yesterday afternoon I took the time to make a phone call that has to be one of the hardest that I have ever done. I called an organization to see if they wanted ALL of the supplies that were left over from Zachary. Since Zachary spent so much time in the hospital we have a ton of surplus… we were blessed to always have what we needed for him. There are families that aren’t so lucky… either they don’t have insurance at all and are forced to provide for their child out of their pocket or they have insurance BUT insurance won’t provide the things that are necessary for the best Quality of life. WE, I, always had in our mind that when Zach’s time on Earth was done that we would donate whatever we had to help other families, we had been so blessed by others passing on items that we wanted to do it for others. We have been slowly doing this… his walker at Christmas time, his wheelchair this summer, his book bag, etc.

Yesterday I felt the necessity to call about donating all of Zach’s supplies… his left over formula, syringes, g-tube supplies, tpn supplies etc. The place that I called was more that excited that I will be bringing them these items and they have 7 centers in Georgia that the items will be spread out in. In knowing that I was going to do take these items this week, I started collecting items. How in the world did one little precious boy need so much stuff???

My heart is honestly broken… I guess I felt like if I held on to it that he might come back. I know that is silly but if I have everything to take care of him if he came back I could keep him. To see the formula, that his body no longer could tolerate and that each box was only a day for him. To know how many days of formula I have for him and how it can touch another family is simply overwhelming. Then to see the feeding pump bags and to find a pump, these are things that I had to have to feed him, they were part of him. Now to bless another family with them, while sweet is heartbreaking. It isn’t fair my little boy should still need them. To look in where I am putting it all and to know that I haven’t even touched the surface but that I have a whole load full is overwhelming.

I keep reminding myself that Zachary isn’t coming back, that I will no longer have to do all the therapies, appointments, feedings, medications or fighting for him. While I am thankful that I don’t and that he is in Heaven, I miss him terribly and I can’t understand why his short short life was filled with so much pain and suffering. I will start to remember all the good things and giving his supplies away will be part of that sharing his legacy and helping others is what he would want me to do. He would want me to share what we had since we have been so blessed.

I can choose to get Better or I can choose to get Bitter! It is up to me. You can choose to get Better or You can choose to get Bitter! It is up to you! Are we going to make a difference today?

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Really a Blessing?

Each day we get is a blessing… some days it is hard to look and see that it is a blessing but it is.  Sometimes all we can see is the bad or the hard…. Surgery, Doctor’s appointments, projects, meetings, traffic, getting out of bed… but the truth is that all of those things are blessings if we honestly look at them.  We come into contact with people through all of these events.  It is something that I know is hard; it is hard to know why we do what we do.  Sitting here this morning on this side of the monitor, on this side of losing a child, on this side of fighting a major illness with my child, I have to say… It is all a blessing, hear me out!
If WE weren’t blessed with Zachary in the 1st place we would have never had any of this.  I would have never seen how amazing Aden is.  I would have thought that is was great yes, but I have to say he has a strength that is God given.  I would have never realized that my heart is still in medicine.  I would have never met the many of the people that I have met online and in real life.  I wouldn’t be able to touch as many as I do now.  Do I understand? No, I don’t but I know that through Zach’s Amazing life we were taught things that we can pass to others.  I learned that Children love, they genuinely are happy and they will take whatever life throws them and they will catch it and deal.  I want that ability… why as adults do we lose that? I mean I know why, cause life gets in the way, we learn that it hurts, we learn that we can’t control it, we learn that we miss them and they aren’t going to just show up to physically hold.  I long to be like Aden who can curl up with one of Zach’s blankets and when asked why he says “I am playing with Zach” How sweet? How perfect? 

Each day is getting a tad easier; I am learning what I need to do and what is expected.  I have to admit, I am still struggling through it all.  I wish I could say that I could function but I am not there just yet.  I am still working, striving and hanging on.  I have moments that I am totally stopped in my tracks that I can’t move.  That breathing is about all I can manage to do and yet even that is a struggle.  I wish I could say that I believed in myself, but it is still full of self doubt and not understanding.  I wish that I could lots of things but all I can say is that I know that I am not walking this battle, this journey, alone so when I start to feel horribly overwhelmed I have sweet sweet friends who pull up and help me through.  I know that I am okay, that even though I am hard on myself, I am in fact in God’s arms and am doing okay.  That okay doesn’t mean that life is all okay that nothing hurts; it simply means that I know that I going to walk through the other side and be a stronger person for it.  My prayer now is that if you are going through something, no matter how silly you think that it is that you know that you aren’t alone.   

Monday, August 29, 2011


Really, Monday already, can’t it be the weekend again. For whatever reason It is 10:20am and I am already exhausted. Well I know why, I have been moving since I started this morning. God has placed me in a new position that I will never understand. I don’t see how things will always work out but in the plan that God has placed it will work for his plan. There is one thing that I have learned in this journey that I don’t think that I can express and that is that God can use things that aren’t good; things that are considered to be horrible, wrong or bad can certainly be used for good.

There is a strength that I have now that was given to me when I went through all of the situations in my life. Just like if you look at your life there is a strength that you have as well because of the things that you have gone through. I think what I am learning now is how are you going to use them? Are they going to flavor how you react and treat others? If it does it is going to be that you love more, care more, are more compassionate or is it going to turn you off to people? The biggest encouragement to me is that I am not alone.

There is a comfort in knowing that I am not the only one dealing with heartache, heartbreak, pain, suffering, and trying to move on with life. Sometimes it is hard to get lots and lots comments and people looking at me. However, I was talking to someone the other day and it reminded me that no matter if people are looking or not. I am okay. No matter how tired I am or how hard things are… I am okay! I am thankful that I don’t do things alone, I am thankful for family that loves me and that cares about me, and I am thankful that I have friends that are amazing

Sunday, August 28, 2011


So I am sitting here and I want to be the one that says that nothing bothers her, or that she doesn’t get mad, etc. But what I am learning is that I am not that person. I am not a patient person, I guess that I am with some things but with other things I am far from patient. I think sometimes I forget what it means to be calm. It is like it boils over. We are working with Aden with an issue and we are trying to teach him that being honest is the best way to go. Sometimes not telling the truth, well all the time not telling the truth, will get you in more trouble that just telling us what is wrong. This is something that Aden doesn’t truly understand, he rather us not be mad at him than to tell the truth. So we have to work with him on this. This means my frustrations are sometimes running high and I am working on being a more compassionate and caring mom. That I will not get mad but I will love and encourage. I am striving to be that mom that everyone sees, the one that loves on, never gets mad and is always ok. Maybe one day I will get there but for now the frustrations are here.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

We are blessed….

How does a little boy touch so many people? I think the simple answer is God.  Zach was blessed with a smile that was amazing and because of that smile and not being scared to smile he touched many.  Last night we got to see the video that was done in honor of Zachary that is designed to help raise money for respite Daystays at the Hope House.  It was so amazing. I never knew that they let him play the piano.  It was so stinking cute. 

It left me thinking… if we are faced with tragedy what do we do? Do we turn and hide and decide not to help?  Do we stand up strong and cry and hurt but walk through the situation step by step?  Do we get mad and decide that nothing good can occur from the situation?  Do we see the benefits, the good things that are happening (or have happened)?  Do we shut down and not let anyone into our hearts and think that we are going to be the only one affected? Do we open our arms and hearts to all that need us?

See I have had to think long and hard about all of these questions and then some… The answer is I don’t know.  Moment by moment my answers change, I may have it together at one moment to be okay and then the next moment I might cry just breathing.

This is what I do know:

·        I know that it is okay

·        I know that I will continue to be here for people that are going through situations

·        I know that Zachary is remembered by tons not just his family

·        I know that it is okay to cry

·        I know that it is okay not to hold it together

·        I know that it is okay to have a good time.

·        I know that life goes on even though I don’t understand it.

·        I know that I am not alone

·        I know that people won’t understand

·        I know that I am not responsible for making them get it

I am going to say without mincing words that there are days that are bad moments that are bad but we must remember that Zachary would have never stayed put he would have kept walking.  While I hurt and while I struggle I know that I am okay and that no matter what anyone tries to say that it is okay that I am  upset, that I struggle, that I miss my son. 

Hold on to those that you love, tell them often that you love them, and know that no matter what you are never alone. 

Friday, August 26, 2011


I am feeling very blessed after a few days of feeling very achy and like I had been run over by a truck, I took several naps and even slept all night last night. It was nice to be able to rest, but the amazing thing to me was that I was reminded that I have a very AMAZING and AWESOME husband, who when I feel asleep before Aden’s presentation simply covered me up and took Aden on his own and let me sleep. What an honor?

Tonight is a benefit for Southwest Christian Care, this is the organization that has the Hope House, the respite that we were blessed enough to do with Zach. They treated him wonderfully and loved him with everything that they had in them. Adam and I have a heart to try to get funds raised for them to bring back day stays, which was my saving grace even before we knew that Zach had mito. They are simply the reason why I got to go to the doctor and why Aden knew that he existed apart from Zach. Tonight they are revealing a new video in hopes of bringing back day stay respite care.

Please take a moment to pray for and if you are looking a place to make donations or even to do a fundraiser, please let me know. This facility (the Hope House) is very important and touch so many lives. You can donate in honor, in memory of Zachary if you want, let them know that it is for Hope House. Why am I asking this of you? Because Southwest Christian Care, Hope House, Asks for no money or nothing from those that they serve. They love on and help and cherish those that they serve. They had to stop day stays and I can’t imagine what my life would have been without them, so please pray and consider helping them. Everything helps!

Contact information:!/swchristiancare

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Tired and Achy

Yeah I don’t even know if Achy is a word but man that is how I am feeling, achy. It isn’t like a hurt but it isn’t like anything else, it is like I just ache. I am hoping that people are right and that it is because I am walking but who know, I don’t.

I am starting to think that it is the depression and the anxiety; we have all heard that commercial… “Depression hurts” and while I know that to be true I am thinking that the depression paired with anxiety, which keeps me tense when it starts to go have an issue with it. So I am not sure. This is what I realized though. It is hard with the ups and downs of grieving to know how you are really doing. I have found out that I am far stronger than I give myself credit for. However, there are certain times when I just want to sit down in the middle of the road and stay there till my head clears. However, it still will take huge pushing from friends to get me to stop long enough to take something for a headache. This is a journey that we are on, each and every day is new and we don’t know what to expect. As life gets thrown at us it is just being in the midst of a boxing ring that we can’t get out of. We know that things are heading our way but we can’t get out of the way or dodge it. There are the surprise punches and then the ones that hurt far worse than we can imagine.

I am thankful for my friends who have been encouraging me even when I don’t feel like I deserve it. I pray that I am a friend who is there for others.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

What about?

I have had this on my heart for a few weeks but something was said/done that made me finally write it. Grief is something that is very personal and very real, there are so called steps that someone goes through. Which isn’t something that is new to me but I want to express some things. With grief comes the inability to rational make it through each day. There are moments that are happy and wonderful and then there are moments that aren’t good, sad or that hurt more than you want to admit. There are things that trigger the pain and we aren’t sure what triggers it. There are times that we don’t know what to do and what to say. It is something that will continue for a while, there is now research that says that the average period to grieve is 1-2 YEARS, that means it isn’t a month process it isn’t something that you simply get over. Zach isn’t someone that I can erase out of my mind, the hospital staff and friends are not something that I can just say “Forget you” about, the beeps, the medications and all aren’t something that I simple deprogram my body to deal with. All the things that happened for the past 4 years are engrained in my mind and they are things that I have to deal with, little item by little item.  For us we also grieve the things that we know that Zach doesn't get to do with us, it is hard to know that he will never get to go to school, never have a 5th birthday, play sports, etc.  We grieve that we get no more hugs, smiles or "uv ubs".  We grieve because we lost the relationships that we had and because many of our relationships changed.  I grieve because my words were ripped from me, because I am having trouble with words being able to say/write them but also that I worry about am I saying to much, will they understand.

For me I am choosing to write about this because it gets harder and harder to deal with things and it is something that people don’t understand. For me it has only been 2 months and it is something that replays in my mind time and time again. I will be walking through a day thinking that I am doing well, I will be happy and smiling and doing well then It will knock be down and I will be dealing with self doubt, worry and sadness. One of the recent things that I am dealing with is Anxiety, I don’t mean simply being worried I mean I couldn’t talk, breath or function. I am struggling with what to say or do and react to. Some of the what to say is normal, I mean how many times does a friend need to hear that you feel like crap before they get mad and say get over it or they choose to walk away. I live part of my day every day worried that I will walk this road without those that I desperately need. Why? Because I know me and I know that I have a huge amount of self doubt and that I don’t believe in myself at all so I need my friends to remind me, however, I know that it produces a hardship on them. Recently I was talking to a friend of mine and a comment was made to me that something wouldn’t work if I didn’t believe in it and another was made that she was just waiting for me to believe that I am okay, that I am strong, that I am capable, that I have made HUGE strides. Neither of these people were attacking me, Trust me I know these two and I know that attacking was the last thing on their minds. But it left me wondering where does the understanding of what I am going through stop, in this case I know that I am going to be okay, I know that the changes that we going through will get better what I don’t know is how to deal with it and what to say to people. I wonder what I did wrong even though I know that I didn’t, I worry about what I am doing wrong now.

I very often say the same things over and over again, It hurts to be in that loop of sadness and self doubt. It hurts to know that a good day can be ruined by a little something (a song, going by a road, for me a beep). It hurts to know that sometimes I can say something to a friend and have them get frustrated with me, It isn’t a good feeling. Honestly right now having a friend frustrated with me can sometimes hurt more than the other emotions that are going on. It hurts to know that at any moment I can be hit with anxiety that will cause me to want to avoid, be mad, not understand and not be able to function.

So what is the take home from this post… love those that need you, even if you don’t get it, LOVE them, they need you more than they can admit. For me what I am going through didn’t start yesterday and it will not be over tomorrow. Try to love and hold me through it.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

you are not alone

There are times that you just sit here and wonder what in the world do I do? It doesn’t have to be a bad thing, it is more a situation of wondering what God is going to be doing and how hard does it have to be.

I was talking to a friend last night and it just rubbed in that sometimes there are plenty of well meaning people but sometimes they just say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. She is going through something like me, although it has been a while since I lost my mom, I remember like yesterday being in the hospice and her taking her last breath. I can imagine the feelings and the emotions she is going through but I do not understand.

Here is my point for today: If you are going through a situation no matter what it is, you do not have to walk it alone. For the 1st 2 years of Zach’s life we tried to do it on our own, so not the way to do it. We finally let people in and it helped, but I will honest it wasn’t till recently (after Zach’s death) that I let some of the people really in  That I let people know my heart, all of my emotions, all the hurt. I thought it was too painful to talk, that I was a burden or that I was bothering them. I thought well why don’t they just know, but truth is that no matter what the situation you have to trust people enough to let them in. It doesn’t have to be everyone but a few. You don’t have to do any situation by yourself. You are not in it alone. You are worth it and you are wonderfully made. I am praying that every person that is reading this has someone that they can vent to, be real with, pray with, sing with, laugh with. I pray that no matter what the situation that you can realize that you aren’t alone. It may be hard now but know that those that truly care and we are here.

Like I told her you can find a professional that can help, you can ask a pastor, or you can talk to a good friend... There is help, you will make it through this.

Monday, August 22, 2011


One of the things that we are learning is that when you are going through grief it is very possible and probable that all of your senses are heightened and your emotions are as well. This means that the normal things that your senses either tune or miss are all of a sudden flooded into your brain. In this case, I can attest to this being the case. It is one of the hardest things and is probably one of reasons why I am having such issues.

I have found out that I can’t sleep in the dark that simply turning off the lights is enough for panic and anxiety to come in. I was feeling silly but we were talking and found out that if all the lights are off then you are relying more on your ears for hearing. Hearing was something that I had to do while Zach was alive. I had to hear the little changes in his body to assure that we could get him help. I had to hear the machines beep, I had to head the medications get done. I simply had to pay attention to every noise. Now I don’t have to and while it is nice my body is used to it. I will still hear things that no one else hears. I have to remind myself that I am not waiting to hear Zach’s machines to go off or for him to gasp or for him to say my name. There is a silence that very few understand.

One night I was sitting in the living room settling down and I looked up to see a man in the hallway… I about freaked till I realized that there wasn’t’ anyone there, that my eyes had seen something that wasn’t there. Again with the lights off I am looking more, I used to be able to look at Zach and tell if there was an issue. I would look at his breathing, look at his feeds, look at his diapers, look at his face. The simplest, that looks off would be enough for us to know that Zach was having issues. So the emotions, the senses, were playing tricks and my body needed to relax and rest. There are nights when my brain is less active till I turn those lights off then I can see things, hear things and react to things that aren’t there. There are nights that I can go to sleep to wake up in pure anxiety. Now people talk about depression, people kinda understand depression, Anxiety however is one that I feel like people are clueless about. I will admit it, I was… it wasn’t like I was trying to be clueless I just didn’t get it.

I don’t know the medical definition is but here is definition by Jen… anxiety: the inability to handle fears, stress, emotions and other actions in the manor which is rational. Sounds kinda like being overwhelmed. Yes but so much more, being overwhelmed does NOT wake up in the middle of the night, anxiety does. Being overwhelmed doesn’t change every part of you while anxiety does. Anxiety will cause you to reevaluate some of the things you do. In my cause it has caused me to want to be isolated. Anxiety has caused me to be nervous in situations that 3 months ago I wouldn’t have batted an eye at. It hard to get people to understand and you (I) begin to wonder what am I doing wrong, what do I need to do, what can I do to get out of the situation, what or better how do I change? I would venture to say that Anxiety is more common than we realize

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Every Day…

Every day I have been challenged to do things… there are the two things that I have already written about but I gained a 3rd last night. A 3rd thing from a person that knows me well, that allows me to fuss at her (not to her or about anything within her control but at her)
EVERY DAY… Thank God for something GOOD in our life, in My life. Now this shouldn’t be hard at all. We all have things that are good; we all have things that we are thankful for… what makes this hard is that the ups and downs are being overshadowed by all the bad, all the yucky things. I can easily see me getting mad at Aden, I can easily see me getting mad at having to do certain things, I can easily the mistakes that I have made, I can easily see how different life is. It is harder to remember the GOOD things, the happy things that things that are silently waiting for me to get back to.  It is harder to remember that it is all for a reason, it is all for God's plan.

So thankful, I sit here and think what I am thankful for… I am thankful for a husband that loves me, I am thankful for friends who CARE for me and care enough to tell me things that I don’t want to hear, I am thankful for the ones that are pushing me to stand firm and hold on, I am thankful for missions that friends send me on. Things are hard, things are difficult and a while I don’t know how to tell people or deal with things, I am thankful that I have people that do care.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

A chance to…

If you have been around me long you know that my family is loved, you know that there are people that love on us; you may even be one of them. This blog is dedicated to a friend of mine. Let me tell you about her and her family. She is amazing and caring and wonderful. She is quite busy so I can’t always talk to her as much as I would like to but I know that she is there for me. I can see her smile and I can hear her voice calming me down even on days that I can’t talk to her. She is God fearing and a prayer warrior. Her boys are an inspiration to me… one of them is has mito and is an athlete it is my dream that one day mito can’t rip that away like it did zach but in the mean time I hold on to the fact that mito isn’t always a life stealer. He is handsome, smart, caring and athletic what else could a mom as for? I will admit I don’t know her husband nearly as well, I do know that he is one of the hardest workers that I know, and while I know the smiles aren’t always there He is amazing. He makes a difference beyond what he imagines.

Several Several months ago, I called this family to ask a question… Zach had to at that point have his wheelchair and was battling the heat badly, however, he wanted to go to a Braves game (Truthfully Aden wanted to go as well) I called them up simply to ask a question… How do you buy handicapped tickets and then is there a way to get tickets for one game that had access to the A/C? I mean have you ever bought a ticket for someone with a wheelchair? I didn’t know if I just asked for a handicapped ticket, if we could all sit together as a family or what. I didn’t know if they knew but I knew that she would be able to help me get to the right person. The quickly told me to hold on that they would get back to me. They called me back having a night to remember scheduled with the Atlanta Braves, we were excited, all of us. However, MITO had a different schedule and we never got to go. I dropped it, I didn’t want to take advantage and I didn’t want to bother so once Zach passed away I didn’t think anymore about this Braves night. Several weeks later they called me and asked me when we would like to go that Adam, Aden and I were still welcomed to go, enjoy and have a night of fun.

Last night we went to the Braves game, I picked Aden up from school and headed to get Adam. We then got to Turner Field and got our tickets. I had no idea where we would be sitting; we were behind home plate, perfect for my little guy to watch the game. We were asked to be there early and since we were we got to watch the Braves games hit, we got to talk to the players. Aden got a ball given to him and he got McCann’s battling glove. Adam enjoyed getting to see all the players and all. I have to admit I think the TV shrinks the players, gosh they were big. We had a great time. The Braves won, they had a HUGE firework show so it was a great time.

So the title a Chance to be…. Last night was a chance for us to be normal. It was an odd feeling to be a normal family… no worrying about any of the stuff that consumed our lives for almost 4 years. At some point last night I turned and looked at my men, I just smiled, This is what life is about…being together doing things together, enjoying each other. Without this family loving on us, last night would have NEVER happened; they saw our family and blessed us. It was a night to remember, it was amazing to see Adam and Aden reconnect…Amazing to see Adam be just a father! He is a great and amazing Dad. It was amazing to see Aden love the game and be excited, to watch his eyes. Please don’t take anything for granted, you never know how long you will have it

I have no words but thank you! I don't know if they read this or if they will ever know but I am so thankful and so amazed that they were able to bless us and give us the chance to be normal.

Friday, August 19, 2011

I would like you to know

The journey of life has only begun, there isn’t a road map or a listing of when we are going to be where and I am learning this is very true of emotions. Sometimes things happen and I am amazed, such a typical thing but such an aggravating thing other times it is an item that shakes you to the core.

I spent a good amount of time last night talking to a friend… She is a friend that God brought to me and I think of her often. She has two children who are her love but are also the reason why we walk so closely together. She isn’t done with her journey; they are still working with knowing how things are working, if things are working and all of the medicalness of loving your children. Most people are blessed to not experience that we are blessed to be part of it. I have several people in my life that I love to chat with she is one of them, late night conversations and assurance that God is with her and in return that God is with me.

TO all the moms and dads who are walking in the medicalness of your children I would like to tell you something…

• Love yourself, I know it is hectic, crazy, strapped for time and money and all of that However, take a moment to remember that you were here before the circumstances. I never learned this and am struggling now with it. If I had loved myself through all this though, I would be coping a tad better than I am now.

• Love your family the way it is… you don’t have to grieve what everyone has. Your family is special and no one can understand the way that it is put together. I can look back and see that through all of this our love is strong because we choose to love on each other and not let it tear us apart.

• You will make it through this… entire will you do it without regrets is up to you. Do you want to walk through it doing all that you can or do you want to do the bare minimal because it is easier, you rest more when you aren’t invested as much. The tears of pain and heartache will turn into love and joy and honor.

• Celebrate the little things… being together, getting to do something that you call can do, reading a book, changing clothes, going to the bathroom, etc. There is so many things that can easily be missed. I never knew that watching Aden run would be such an inspiration to me. A simple action that everyone takes for granted but that Zach couldn’t do. When asked in Rehab what he wanted to do (we didn’t expect an answer) without hesitation he looked straight at the PT and said RUN. Simple desires, heartfelt desires.

• There are people that understand and want to help, they might know how or want to bother but there are people wanting to walk with you. I never understood this as much as I do know. I have a friend whom I love dearly who while Zach was sick took a step back, she didn’t know what to say or do, it never hit her that I needed her close, I never let her in that I needed her. If I had told her, If I had sucked it up and admitted that I didn’t want to go through this journey I would have had her for this WHOLE journey just not the aftermath, I wouldn’t have robbed her of all the good times, all the celebrations that no one gets. So all this to say… let your friends in, let them love on you, let them help you, let them simply be there if that is all you can get out. Your friend love you and will hold you and support you let them
I am sure there are more things spinning in there. Hang in there, don’t give up hope, it is worth it and while you might think you are struggling… If you hear nothing else, if you don't get anything else get this... YOU ARE WORTH IT!!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Am I really still learning?

I couldn’t do this without those people that are loving on me. I am blessed; I have an AWESOME and AMAZING husband who loves me dearly. I have family who shows up in person on in a call daily. I have friends that will track me down to check on me and make sure that I am ok. I have people who know my heart and are still here no matter what. How did I get so blessed?

One of the biggest things about going through is situation (good or bad) is that you often can’t see past the situation. In this cause it is hard because it is hard to see past the hurt, past the desires of my heart. It is hard to see past the point that Zachary isn’t here anymore. However, I have to say that I am learning all sorts of things that I can only see because of the situation.

I have learned…

You never tell someone to suck it up or deal with it. That by far has to be one of the most insensitive things you can ever do. No one knows how the situation is playing out in the mind and in the heart; don’t tell someone to get over. Sometimes there are times that the person needs to move on but it is not always possible

Touch is a powerful and healing thing. I have gotten some hugs from people that I needed but I didn’t know that I needed it. Now I know that you can’t just hug everyone, Got that but you know when a hug is appropriate. There is more touch than just that. Some of the touch that means the most to me has been for someone to take my hand and pray with me, when they hand me something to touch my hand and smile. For several people in my life, just KNOWING that they will love on me and touch me when we get together is all I know. I have one person that while I don’t see her everyday, I know that I can talk to her, I know that she will let me vent to her, I know if I needed her she would be here. I know that she has walked with me just to get me started on all the emotions that I need to.
Things can be personal. There are things that not everyone needs to know. That sometimes every detail is too much, sometimes the basic things are all you need to know. Be happy with just the basics, if you hang around long enough, care long enough; genuinely desire to know long enough… then you will be told what you need to know. We are often guarded with our hearts and our words.

Sometimes faking it is much easier to do that figuring out how to put words together, put emotions together, etc. This seems weird but if you honestly think about it sometimes emotions are too much

Why Do I want you to know that faking it is easier? Well this is why… If I tell someone that I have nothing planned they say you need to do this! If you tell someone you are having a bad day they tell you to go do this? If you tell someone you are missing someone they say be glad that you had them. The feelings are there, they simply are, they suck sometimes but in those hard moments is when I have realized that the amount that I am loved is great. It doesn’t take away the overwhelmedness, the tiredness, the pain or anything else but it does help to know.
Another day to be all that God has called me to do, wonder if I can even get close today!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Are we there yet?

If home is where the heart is then I need to move! Sounds like a crazy thought right?? But honestly think about it… what are your heart’s desires? What to you love to do? What do you long to do? Do you long to be with your family, or back in your house, or with a loved one that isn’t on earth? Do you have dreams that seem to be forgotten most of the time?

I don’t know what to write, the past week has been difficult… I long to be at home, a place of love and acceptance. I long to be that place where no matter the feeling the emotion the hurt it is okay. I want to be at the place where it is okay to be broken. Where people love and support and are here.

There are no words this morning, I long to be wrapped with all the love and support. I long to not feel forgotten for Zach to not feel forgotten. I love to be wrapped in my Heavenly Fathers Arm’s and to be whispered to… I love you more than you know.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Trust Tuesday

So I have been challenged to do several things… two that I can think of for sure.  They were given by people that I trust that they aren't here to make me feel poorly but are here to help, guide and love on me.
1.       To start every morning and to every time that I start to feel like I can’t do this to SING out to God, to pick one of the many songs that are on my heart and sing.  Not to sing softly and to myself but to sing LOUD and out loud to God.  I still don’t know if this is something that is told to everyone or if it is something that God gave the person.  See, I love to sing, I am not good at it but I love to do it.  I don’t have a great voice but I will use it. I love to know that I can do something that no one can take away.  Music is something that is very personal… I can’t play an instrument, I can’t write music, I can’t do all sorts of thing but one thing is clear that God says just to make to a joyful noise unto Him.  So that is my desire to worship and to lift my voice and my life to God.  I have learned that there are messages in song, in music that God uses to help you and to help others.  I have a friend that constantly talks in song, if she realizes it or not I am not sure, but when I needed music she was the 1st that I went to when I needed some music to fill my mind.  Find a song that is something that you believe that you want to do that you feel. There is plenty out there, I asked her and got a case of music to choose from with much much more to chose from. 

2.      To take time out every day to do something for myself.  Some people can do this without thinking they can actually spend HOURS on themselves.  This isn’t me, I am a caretaker I rather give myself to others to be that person that can give someone a little bit of peace, to be the one that they will reach out and that I can wrap my arms around to help them go through a situation that they don’t understand.  However, to take even a min on me is nearly impossible.  I hate to be the center of attention, I hate spending money on me (I rather spend on Adam and Aden and others than on me) There are all sorts of emotions that come into play the biggest being guilt.  However, what I am learning is that God designed us to be dependent on Him.  This means that we need to have time focused on us that can be from those that love on us or it can be from ourselves. However, this isn’t just hard because it means that I have to focus on me.  It means that I have to be okay with the actions that go on.  I have to be okay with having a temper sometimes, feeling inadequate, feeling like I can get nothings done, doing things wrong sometimes, getting mad sometimes, failing sometimes, not wanting to do anything, wanting to be left alone sometimes, etc.  God designed me, He knows my path, He knows me why can’t I be okay with those things that I do that aggravate me?? I don’t know but I do know that it means that sometimes I struggle with focusing on me because I feel like I have failed.  I am learning that none of this means a failure it means that God is still working on me.  If I could do this then I wouldn’t need God nearly as much as I do, so He is teaching me to rely on Him, to trust Him in all of the things that are in my daily life.  That with all of the emotions that are in my heart that no one knows about do not erase the fact that I am worth it..

Now out of these two, I have managed to only do one routinely…. I can sing praises to God, I can be loud, I can do that.  To focus and to be okay with focusing on me, however it harder for me I truly don’t get it and it is one of the many things that God is teaching me.  I am learning how to be a true friend, I have developed some true and loving relationships, some with people that I have known for a while, it allows me to present them to the throne of Grace and Love and know that if I love them that much and if I care that much for them then… How much does God love them?  
I am striving to do these two tasks…. So What are you doing for yourself today????

Monday, August 15, 2011

Unexpected and Off Guard

This weekend was so very hard, not only on my family but on many who love Zach.  It was hard to know that we are walking this road without Zach and that we have to carry on without him.  Last night I was having an off night anyway but Aden my strong amazing wonderful one was too.  He has had very little to say about Zach’s death, just that he is in heaven playing and running without a button.  Even last night he wouldn’t say anything, he just finally after the 3rd time and it being 1am curled up in Zach’s bed and went to sleep.  How much are you hurting and missing someone to curl up in his bed?

For me I finally took a quilt that had Zach’s clothing and his pillowcases in it and I curled up with it holding it and crying till I finally went to sleep this morning. I miss him more than I can express and more than anyone can truely understand.
I didn’t expect the little things that have been hurting my heart to be there but they are and most of them are so silly… I have been told to get over it, to suck it up, to have a good day, to forget about it, to … well you get the point.  I simply can’t… this is something that is hard to explain but losing my son, grieving not only his death but his position in this family and all the roles that I had to do effects EVERY part of my life.  I can literally have a day of good erased by 1 thing that is so silly I can’t tell you because I know that you will think that I lost it.  They catch me off guard and unable to be okay, yet somehow I have to carry on and be okay.  Little things hurt, I am beginning to think that it hurts more that the big things, why??? Because the big things people understand and don’t question but the little things…. Well people just don’t understand

Sunday, August 14, 2011

2 Months

2 Months…. 59 days
Doesn’t seem like long does it? I never thought that it was.  However, 2 months is far too long to be without my little man, my family just isn’t complete without him.  I wonder what he is doing, if he is baking cupcakes or if he is running and playing without a button.  I wonder what his voice sounds like and what his favorite thing is now.
I know that he is with Jesus; I know that he is in Heaven; I know that he is healed; I know that he isn’t hurting anymore…. None of that erases that I miss him, that there is a hole in our family, and that he isn’t here, that we don’t see his smile or hear his voice.  None of that erases that my little precious amazingly strong little boy isn’t here with ME!!! I don’t get to hug him, I don’t get to do feeds, I don’t get to do meds, I don’t get to love on him, I don’t get to take him to the doctors anymore, I don’t get to get up at odd times to fix beeping, I don’t get take him to surprise daddy or friends anymore, I don’t.…. okay you get the point!!!
So while today I am thankful that Zach isn’t hurting anymore and I am thankful that he is with God, it still HURTS badly.  What is my take home for today? Please think about what you tell people.  The pain that is involved in Zach’s death is far greater than I can express, every little thing was affected by it, and while I am striving to move a tiny bit forward the pain literally slams me back at times, at the oddest of times.  Please know there aren’t words, there aren’t actions…. Just love on us! Don’t forget us, don’t treat us differently.
2 Months, I never dreamed of 1 day apart, 2 months is way too long

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Are they important?

I can’t imagine going through this without family and I friends, it seems like each day there is an action or a situation that makes me realize how blessed I am to have people that care about me and my family

I can’t believe how big Aden has gotten, he is enjoying school. He is getting great reports and he finished his 1st week of school with all Es. I have been amazed at how he has gotten up every morning without my help. He told me today that he will sleep in… nope 6:30 and he is up and wide awake. Gosh, I love this little man; I am amazed at what God is doing with him.

Several have asked about me and to be honest I am unsure as to what to say. I am still dealing with things that I can’t explain and it is still a very much an up and down situation. I wish I could express it but I can’t. It can be hard sometimes because weird things get upsetting… looking for polos, signing daily reports for school, reading an email, things that have nothing to do with negativity just brings back floods of emotions. Then there all the expectations that I have of myself. I should be able to do things, maybe not perfectly but come on I should be able to do the basic things. I should be able to stay one emotion for more than 10 mins One of the major things is Am I important?  I am trying not to get catch up in it all but to remember that it wall works together for God’s plan, that I can cling to the rock when my heart is troubled. I am thankful though that I can deal with this at home, that I have I have my husband and surrounded by family and friends that are allowing me to work through it all and that are allowing me to cling to them gaining strength and love from them.

So today’s message, today’s challenge is can you make a list of things that are important to you? Can you remember the things that made you laugh and that have touched your heart. Will you today make sure that they know you love them? Will you take the time to let them know that they are important and valuable? 

Friday, August 12, 2011

Friday, wow!

I never understand the amazing amount of emotions that one person can have… I knew that as circumstances come and go that emotions change but I never realized that sometimes you can have those emotions before you know they are there.  Today is a bittersweet day; I think that is the right word, what type of word is bittersweet anyway… I thought anything associated with chocolate was a good thing for most of the population.  Sorry today is a day that my brain has been jumping, bouncing, and spinning and it is only 6:30a makes me wonder how much today is going to get done.
Friday, the 1st Friday that Aden was a kindergarten, He made it through the week, and I have to say Aden is truly AMAZING.  He is social, caring, smart, and a complete joy to be with and around.  He hasn’t been able to process it all yet but I think it is because it is such a difference between that and pre-k, he is riding the bus, he has two teachers, he is able to buy breakfast and lunch, he is walking to class on his own.  He is my big man!!!

It is also the 1st week that Zachary didn’t get to go to school…. I miss him riding the bus, I miss his reports, I miss them celebrating his little things like he sat at the table, and I miss him hugging me when he got off the bus.  It is coming near 2 months and I can honestly say that it seems like time is forever slow.  It feels more like 2 years, it has only been two months are we are supposed to do this for the rest of our lives.  I never thought that the emotions were going to be like this, I never thought that I would be on the verge of loosing it and laughing at the same time.  Baby steps, little steps, little glimpse of HEAVEN.

I am blessed… I am not walking this journey alone. God is with me because He tells me that He will never leave nor forsake me, that He knows the plans that He has plans to prosper not to harm.  I have an amazing husband, who is willing to work, study and provide for Aden and I.  I am blessed with an amazing family… they hug me love on me and remind me that I matter.  I am blessed with amazing friends, who are willing to text me/email me all day and night, who are willing to meet me and to cry with me.   

Today blog doesn’t have a meaning… well yes it does… to Remind you that all the little things matter! Take the time to hug a little longer, to talk to those that you see (esp. those that matter), to remind you that it is all worth it.  To remind you that you aren’t alone, that no matter the emotions and the heartache and the problems…… You aren’t alone!!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Just a simple fuss...

Well this morning I want to fuss… why is it that we think that we should act a certain way? I know that we have an ideal in our head on what things should be acting like and what should be going on but why do we torture ourselves with putting unrealistic goals on ourselves. Why it is that people find it necessary to make stupid comments and then wonder why people look at them like they have lost their mind. Now I know that sometimes comments just get made, they aren’t trying to be rude or wrong it just comes out WRONG. Why is it that we get in our head that we need to be doing what everyone thinks and wants us to do?

For the past couple days I have been thinking and asking others about the word OVERWHELMED, it is one of those words that if people asks how you, however, is rarely used but it is often how we feel. Think about all the things that you need to do. Get up on time, get to work on time, get the children to school on time, pay your bills on time… these are our on-time things that overwhelm us. Then there are emotional ones: Feeling like we can’t do it, The dinner that didn’t go right, the child that is sick and people don’t understand and make stupid idiotic comments, having your schedule changed, having a hiccup in your day, getting upset at your child, getting upset at your spouse, feeling that you are inadequate to do all the roles you need to do, paying all the bills that you need to and not knowing where the money is coming from. The list goes on and on.

Paired with being overwhelmed is guilt, sometimes anger and being upset. So for a second I would like to talk about two of these words as I know that I always used them but I never knew what they really deep down meant till lately.

OVERWHELMED---As defined by Jen: To be overcome completely in thought or feeling, to be completely covered with, or to be faced with an overpowering or great/excessive amount of anything good, bad, or otherwise.

Sound like anything you know… are you overwhelmed with your children, your work, your bills, your circumstances, Do you feel like you are going to be crushed by all the things that are in life right now? You aren’t alone on that path.

GUILT---Again defined by Jen: To feel like you did something that is wrong or that you aren’t handling it the way that you should be.

Notice that I said Feel… see Guilt is real and is sometimes a true and realistic emotion. If you treated someone wrong, if you did something wrong then guilt is a realistic emotion. However, then there are times where it is a perceived and emotional reaction that isn’t founded. I will use me as an example, Since Zachary was blessed to be with God I have had a hard time relaxing and being focused on me, it has also been hard for us to do certain things because we weren’t able to do them for so long (like going grocery shopping or even cooking at home). But I can tell you this Guilt is an emotion that is sometimes used to make think that we are doing everything wrong when in reality things are going well.

I am trying to get better at feeling overwhelmed because honestly I feel overwhelmed 99% of the time, that doesn’t leave much time for anything else. I know that it is because of the circumstances that we are in but it has shown me that I am not the only one; I hear that word daily if not multiple times a day. I am not the only one, you aren’t the only one… we aren’t going to drown in the waves.

So when dealing with specific things I stop and I ask:

1. Does it matter? Really honestly does it matter… Is it illegal, immoral, or harmful? Tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, years from now… will it matter? If it is no, then guess what? I need not to feel worried or overwhelmed by it. It is simply a filler in a day that is a blessing from God.

2. Can I change it? Is it something that I can control? If It is then write it down, make a list, tell a friend that you trust… I need to do this? Can you help me do this? This helps you with accountability; it helps you remember what you did to do and what you wanted to do.

3. If I can’t change it who can? God has all of it in His hands. He has told us that we will not be crushed and we will not be destroyed, that He knows the plans for us and that He knows everything about us. It is not a surprise to God. So to lay at his feet that you are angry, upset, mad, frustrated, overwhelmed, pissed off, irritated, and the list goes on is not a surprise for Him… He simply wants us to call on Him, for us to crawl up into Hands because if we are His then nothing can take us from His hands.

My Main goal is to let you know that you aren’t the only one that they waves are hitting hard and that is feeling that you are going to drown but you don’t have to be alone cause you aren’t alone

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Wednesday already?

Oh my where did time go, this week is flying by…. Aden started school on Monday. He loves going but it is obvious that he is getting more and more tired as his week is going on. We are striving to get routine in our lives again. I am being amazed that staying at home is my normal now and going out is the oddity. Sometime that hasn’t occurred in years. In saying this I have friends that are going through things that I can’t even imagine and yet they are still smiling, oh how I strive to do that. I know that we are all weak and all our hardest critics but honestly I am learning so much right now from those that God has put into my life.

I am learning that it is okay to be not okay (yes I have to remind myself of this daily, sometimes hourly), that I am not a failure (although things aren’t working out the way that I think that they should), that I am not incapable (it isn’t about what I can’t do it is about what I do get done, no matter how small the world thinks it is), and I am not alone (although words might fail me and emotions are so up and down). I have learned that I am simply and completely overwhelmed. Can you relate? To which emotions, honestly, think about it.

I have been told this several times this week by different people so I am going to share it here…. God designed us to rely on Him. In doing this He also designed us to need him, this means for everything not just the little things and not just the big things but for EVERYTHING. When he designed us, He also told us that we are never alone, that He will never leave nor forsake us. He designed us to go through the trials and hard times for reasons that we may not ever no, but we will not drown, if we keep our eyes on God, if we allow Him to help us then we will not drown. We will make it through, not in our timing but in God’s timing. Why is His timing important to remember? Because if it was our timing we wouldn’t need help, we wouldn’t suffer, bad things wouldn’t happen because we could simply alter time. God tells us that we can be pressed but not crushed. As many times as I had read that I totally didn’t understand that. We simply have to trust that God is in control and that just like the waves come and go and some are large and some are small, problems and situations will too. However, they are never going to crush us.

Many don’t know this but I have had a huge problem communicating… I can get some things down written but when it comes to verbal beyond the normal small talk I haven’t been able to put words together for anyone. It has been frustrating and hard, sometimes it has made me totally break down to want to talk to want to tell someone that you are hurting and not be able to say a word to let them know. To know that you need someone to know that you need a hug that you are hurting, that you just want to curl up and take a break from all the expectations that you feel are on you. I have been trying to talk to those that I trust that I knew that if I couldn’t that they would just hold me and reassure me that it was okay

I have someone that has been in my life for a long time; she was and is a God given gift to me. I met her through her job and she has stayed in contact with me and has because a faux mom to me. . I got a visit from her recently and after I told her that I am okay, she looked at me and told me “well it looks like you are about to break down”. We sat in my living room floor and chatted, some small talk but then she started asking some questions and I talked to her. I actually really talked to her. She has been one that I have talked to late, who has shown up when I needed her. For now I am thankful, really really really thankful that she cares enough and dare I venture to say loves me to enough to put herself in a role that no one can fill again, but God has placed her in that role. I feel honored that she cares enough to say things that she knows are going to upset me, because I need to hear it. I am thankful that she is walking this journey with me.

I have another friend as well; someone that I have known for a long long time and God has just now brought us together into a deeper relationship. The closeness that we have is amazing and I have been able to talk to her and I know that she is here with me. She has been at my house at 5am, she has texted me at all hours, she has brought me diet coke. She is so amazing and a God given gift. Why is this amazing? I can tell you because we have known each other and we were friends before Zach’s illness but while Zach got sicker at the end, God gave me her in a much deeper and important role. She is now one of a handful that I trust, that I know that she cares enough to push me and to love on me. To not talk to her is hard, not texting her all day long is hard, I miss the laugh and love. I couldn’t do this without her. I truly love and care about her and her family.

God will not allow us to be alone, He will not allow us to be crushed, and while we may feel overwhelmed we are never alone.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

If life is a rollercoaster where is the exit?

We enter into this life when we are born, we don’t have a choice on if we are going to ride or not, when we are born we are on the ride of life. As we grow up for the most part we are able to shake off things and we are able to deal with life in this with smiles and joy. As we get older those hills and loops get to be hard.
For some of us the coaster just goes up and down, up huge hills and quickly down the other side to come back up. They don’t stay at the bottom long or often, they just are there for a blink of an eye, long enough to catch their breath. Then you have others that seem to be tossed and turned and blinded by the wind, we seem to not be able to catch our breath. It is hard sometimes to go up the hills because we know that while going up the hill can be in preparation of other things that are going on in our life, we know that in just a second, we will be going fast down. Feeling like we aren’t going to make it. However, one of the things that we often forget is that when we get on a rollercoaster, what do they do? They put you in your seat, make sure you fit, put a seatbelt on you, put a bar on you and they check you. There are things to help you along the way. In life, God gives us friends and family that can help us along the way. The only thing is that unlike the rollercoaster, we don’t get to get off, there isn’t an exit.

The coaster course is different depending on the time of our life, sometimes it is a kiddie ride; you can handle it all breathing normally, laughing and having a great time. Other times it is a medium coaster, you know the ones that have some hills, twists and turns. The ones that you have to prepare yourself for one or two of the hills but overall it is easy to handle. Then you have the BIG coasters, the ones that are unbelievably shocking, huge hills, loops and all. On these BIG coasters, it is HARD to catch our breaths, it feels like we are panicked and not going to be able to make it. I feel like this is something that I have been going on. I have had the thrills and positive-ness of being with my family and gaining another family. However, the past 4 years have caused me to feel like I have been on a ride that I can catch my breath on. However, I have learned the journey I am on now is far more of a rollercoaster than when he was alive. At least when Zachary was alive I was able to love on him and I was able to see his smile and hear his voice, his laugh. I don’t get to do that now.

So why the rollercoaster analogy? This is why, Emotions are sometimes crazy they go up and down and while they are unpredictable at times they all always there, there is a course that it is on, just like the rollercoaster. I have learned that I get upset about the littlest things right now, I have been having mood swings (and yes I know my name is moody but geez this is crazy). I have literally been fine one min and then the next moment wanted to throw someone out of the window. I have had happiness, laughter, tears, upsetness, and anger I am sure there are a million in between. I have spent moments laughing to literally the next sec not be able to handle life. There are people that I am going to be okay with, just because it isn’t any of their business. I am trying to learn that even with those people it is okay to admit that I am not okay; I am simply learning how to go through life not understanding what is going to hit us next. Then there are others that are others that you are going to honest with and pour your heart on it. Which is sometimes far worse, because they keep hearing the same story over and over again, I am sure wanting to tell me to hush and to get over. .

Ups and downs, twists and turns, drops, tosses and all…. Remember just like when you ride the rollercoaster, in the ride of life you are never alone.

Monday, August 8, 2011

1st day of school…

REALLY, the 1st day of REAL school, Kindergarten!

Aden was so excited; there wasn’t a thing that I could do to show how proud I am. For me there aren’t many tears associated with him going to school, mostly because he was so so so excited. It is what I am here for. I am his mom meant and assigned to equip him, so I am honored. When did he get so BIG and so HANDSOME? He is amazing

The 1st day of school however, has a lot of pain associated with it as well. This time last year Zach was doing remarkable well, he was showing us how much of a fighter he was. That there might be a chance that mito wouldn’t totally change his life, just alter the path. I never would have imagined that the things that he did then would be the only time, he got to ride the bus to school. He got to go to school. He had the best teachers, the lead teacher LOVED him and she was wonderful. He was riding the bus, starting to really talk, eating (granted only special chips), and drinking (only powerade but still). I never would have imagined then that we would never get to do it again. That the excitement and the wonderfulness that was there during that time would never get to do it again, if we had only bottled it up.

This school stuff has been hard for me this year, it took me weeks to get things together for Aden for school this year, the truth is that I didn’t get it done. I had more breakdowns shopping for school stuff than I think anything to date. For me it was hard to go shopping for many reasons. Zach was my shopping partner, we would always go to the store together, he would accompany me to get anything we needed, sometimes it was the only thing we got to do since it took so much out of him but he got to be part of the family, shopping for all the things we all needed. Last year I bought Aden school supplies. Last year I bought Zach school supplies and I bought him uniforms (since he was in school). This year I didn’t get to do that with Zach, I didn’t get to buy him uniforms or supplies. I realized now after seeing Aden’s list that Zach’s supplies were far different for Zach I had to buy him pull ups for school, however, Zach was so tiny that he didn’t fit pull ups so I had to get diapers. You know that saying that you won’t send your child to school in diapers, well, I sent Zach in diapers. I sent him to school, to big school, on the real bus in diapers. However, he loved it and asked to go to school EVERY day. Shopping is still raw and different. There is no way to explain the emotions that swirl around with the normal activities that you do as a family.

Today I have a challenge, don’t take the little things for granted!!! I am learning now that all the little things that I do with Aden matter. I didn’t realize that till I lost all of the little things with Zach. Try today to think about all the things that you would do differently if you didn’t have your family. Then love them that much more, cause once they are gone, you can’t go back and do it again.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Tears and Fears

Tears: a mixture of salt and water that tend to mean that something is wrong or upsetting.
For me I have to say sometimes tears are the only way to express the upsetness that we have in our heart. Sometimes there are NO words that can be expressed or that make sense. The tears flow cleansing our hearts and freeing our minds. The tears allow us to connect with our hearts, the emotions that you can’t express to anyone and that only you understand. Just because you don’t see the tears doesn’t mean that the heart isn’t crying.

Tears… lots of tears and Fears… lots of fears:

• Tears for a quilt that was given to us. How special and how amazing of a gift? It is something that I can’t express how much it means to us. To look at it and to see all the things that Zach wore and for all the things that we experienced in those clothes. What an amazing blessing that Thank you doesn’t seem like enough.

• Tears for trying to shop for school supplies, I never thought that shopping would be so difficult. I have been trying for multiple weeks to get things done. I got most of it done but this weekend I went shopping and had a major breakdown with it. I wound up sitting down in the middle of an aisle and crying for about 5 mins then picking myself up finishing and walking out. I didn’t’ get the school stuff that he needed but I tried.

• Tears for a family who is going through a rough moment, having to think about things that they should never have to think about. Finding out what they can do and praying that all will be on the same page, crying because I don’t have the words to help or to make a difference.

• Tears for a friend who has lost her dad and feels like they are having to mourn his death far faster than her heart is able to, putting herself aside because she has to be there for others.

• Tears for a friend who has family stuff going on that she can’t express to anyone but tears at her heart and is causing Stress that hurts and makes them feel like they can’t do it anymore. That they are drowning in all the stress.

• Tears that I am going to have another comment made to me that isn’t helpful.

• Fears that I am going to have another comment made to me that I am going to loose it on and be mad about and go off on a person.

• Fears that I am not being a good wife, mom, or friend.

• Fears that what I am feeling that no one will understand, that I won’t be able to express what is in my heart.

• Fears that the mom will make a decision that her family won’t agree with.

• Fears that I won’t matter anymore.

You see we have tears, we have fears and we have things that hurt and destroy us. I am trying to stay firm in the fact that I can in fact be strong enough.  That I am strong enough to be okay through this, strong enough to say that I am not okay, strong enough to try to be all that God has called me to be.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Simple Saturday

For the 1st time in a long time my family was able to get up take our time and chill out.  Now this sounds funny but our lives have been super hectic and it seems like we have been doing so much stuff and that we haven’t been able to just sit and chill. 
On Thursday night, Aden was blessed enough to go to his Grandparents to stay the night, this was a special treat since it was the week but also a treat because his Uncle was there too.  He wanted to stay last night too and after a day filled with a massive migraine for me we decided to let him stay.  Adam and I got to have a dinner together, it was the second night in a row, so we got to really enjoy and connect with each other in a way that we haven’t gotten to do in a while.  This morning we got up, just Adam and I and we went to breakfast with the whole Moody family.  This is something that we haven’t done in a long time.  To go out with all of us, to simply just enjoy being with each other.  It was a great and loving experience.  I feel so blessed to have been allowed into his family, to be treated like I belong, like I am a daughter of theirs.  After breakfast we went to Lowes and to Target and came home.
Now the next thing to do was going to be doing other things, to run around getting school stuff ready or something like that.  However, we got home and we decided that instead a movie was in store.  I fell asleep during it for those that have been talking to me you will find this amazing, I literally slept the WHOLE movie.  Netflix is wonderful, Adam and Aden enjoyed a movie while I enjoyed sitting there sleeping holding my husband’s hand and slept.  They are now playing Super Monkey Ball, I can hear them laughing, cheering and being excited.  It seems for an instance for just a moment, we can laugh and have fun and just be a family.  Not be a group of broken individuals trying to make it through our lives.
The simple things… laughing and playing, watching a movie, just loving on each other….Those are things that we can’t force, they have to just come from the heart

Friday, August 5, 2011

Friends and Family Friday

I wish that I could say that I knew what I wanted to write but the truth is that today I have a massive headache, for the 1st time in a long time I have had to take something more than advil or Tylenol to get it to ease up. So instead of being all deep and al that I wanted to just put something out there.

God puts people into our lives, we have a family, friends, passer-bys, irritators, pushers… get the point there are a million different roles that we have people in and that we in return are in. We can be adopted into family, accepted into a family… this can be because we are friends and they love us that much or it can be that we are married into a family. I am blessed that I have been adopted in multiple families. I am blessed to be in my husband’s family, they have accepted me as their own, I am their daughter and I have to say that I am delighted to be that. I have also been accepted by the other members of his family. Then I have to say that I have friends that have adopted me. I have ones that send me emails, listen to me, scream with me, cry with me and text me. I don’t know what I would do without them.

Now in this case I have learned something I want to be that one that can be trusted, that can be confided in, and that can be screamed to and cried to. I know that it sounds odd but I have learned there is no greater friend than those that will be there with you. It doesn’t matter if it is a friend that is actually related to you or another one that God has blessed us with.

There is very little that I can say to make someone have that confidence, but I would like to remind several of the people that read this blog that you aren’t along anymore than I am alone. You aren’t going through your journey by yourself. There is nothing that you will say, can say that will make me respect you less, love you less, you have been God given to me and I will be here for the journey. I can’t and I won’t try to act like I understand… I don’t understand what it is to have a child that the mom didn’t want, I don’t understand what it is like to lose a job, I don’t understand what it is like to lose a spouse, I don’t understand what it is like to be disowned from your family, I don’t understand… you get my point. But I am here and I will always be here. I do understand that sometimes words fail us, that sometimes there is no way verbally to explain to talk to someone, to tell them what is in your heart. I do understand that anger is real. I do understand that while you have faith, family, and friends that you can feel like the only one. Hang in there, you are not the only one…. My email is always open, you can always text me, and our house is always opened.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Thoughtful Thursday

Adam and I have are starting on a journey that we haven’t been on before. Aden, our 5.5 year old, will be starting Kindergarten Monday. Now, he has been in school for two years before this but this is real school. When did he get so old? Somewhere in all of the things that our family went through Aden has grown up some. He is amazing little boy who has a caring heart. He is strong and a leader, I can’t wait to see what this year has for us. We still have little things that we need to do for him for school, even though he is going to a public school, he has to have uniforms so I finish buying those. However, it is just the little things.
There are moments that I get really sad about him starting Kindergarten but then I stop and I think about it as a parent aren’t we trying to get them to grow, mature and be significant adults. Part of growing up is to go to school. We have to pray that we equipped him to go into the school. In this case, since he is still so young, we get to stay super involved in all that is going on and he is willing to have us there. I will miss all of the things that we have done in the past two years but I think that we are starting a new journey.

As his mom this is what I would love for him to not only know but to realize:

• We love him more than he will ever know. Aden and I have developed this tradition that is I will say “I love you more” and he will answer “than you know” it is our reminder that though I have to be a parent that I love him more than he can imagine.

• We are here for him no matter what is going on, no matter what he thinks he has done or not done. In life we all make do things that don’t make sense to the outside world.

• He is capable and wonderful. As adults we sometimes doubt ourselves and what we are able to do. I am praying that we can instill in Aden that he is capable of doing all that he desires to do. He may have to work at it but he can do it.

• That he is an amazing child of God, who has gifts, talents, and abilities that make him amazing. He was designed by God to do amazing things.