I have had this on my heart for a few weeks but something was said/done that made me finally write it. Grief is something that is very personal and very real, there are so called steps that someone goes through. Which isn’t something that is new to me but I want to express some things. With grief comes the inability to rational make it through each day. There are moments that are happy and wonderful and then there are moments that aren’t good, sad or that hurt more than you want to admit. There are things that trigger the pain and we aren’t sure what triggers it. There are times that we don’t know what to do and what to say. It is something that will continue for a while, there is now research that says that the average period to grieve is 1-2 YEARS, that means it isn’t a month process it isn’t something that you simply get over. Zach isn’t someone that I can erase out of my mind, the hospital staff and friends are not something that I can just say “Forget you” about, the beeps, the medications and all aren’t something that I simple deprogram my body to deal with. All the things that happened for the past 4 years are engrained in my mind and they are things that I have to deal with, little item by little item. For us we also grieve the things that we know that Zach doesn't get to do with us, it is hard to know that he will never get to go to school, never have a 5th birthday, play sports, etc. We grieve that we get no more hugs, smiles or "uv ubs". We grieve because we lost the relationships that we had and because many of our relationships changed. I grieve because my words were ripped from me, because I am having trouble with words being able to say/write them but also that I worry about am I saying to much, will they understand.
For me I am choosing to write about this because it gets harder and harder to deal with things and it is something that people don’t understand. For me it has only been 2 months and it is something that replays in my mind time and time again. I will be walking through a day thinking that I am doing well, I will be happy and smiling and doing well then It will knock be down and I will be dealing with self doubt, worry and sadness. One of the recent things that I am dealing with is Anxiety, I don’t mean simply being worried I mean I couldn’t talk, breath or function. I am struggling with what to say or do and react to. Some of the what to say is normal, I mean how many times does a friend need to hear that you feel like crap before they get mad and say get over it or they choose to walk away. I live part of my day every day worried that I will walk this road without those that I desperately need. Why? Because I know me and I know that I have a huge amount of self doubt and that I don’t believe in myself at all so I need my friends to remind me, however, I know that it produces a hardship on them. Recently I was talking to a friend of mine and a comment was made to me that something wouldn’t work if I didn’t believe in it and another was made that she was just waiting for me to believe that I am okay, that I am strong, that I am capable, that I have made HUGE strides. Neither of these people were attacking me, Trust me I know these two and I know that attacking was the last thing on their minds. But it left me wondering where does the understanding of what I am going through stop, in this case I know that I am going to be okay, I know that the changes that we going through will get better what I don’t know is how to deal with it and what to say to people. I wonder what I did wrong even though I know that I didn’t, I worry about what I am doing wrong now.
I very often say the same things over and over again, It hurts to be in that loop of sadness and self doubt. It hurts to know that a good day can be ruined by a little something (a song, going by a road, for me a beep). It hurts to know that sometimes I can say something to a friend and have them get frustrated with me, It isn’t a good feeling. Honestly right now having a friend frustrated with me can sometimes hurt more than the other emotions that are going on. It hurts to know that at any moment I can be hit with anxiety that will cause me to want to avoid, be mad, not understand and not be able to function.
So what is the take home from this post… love those that need you, even if you don’t get it, LOVE them, they need you more than they can admit. For me what I am going through didn’t start yesterday and it will not be over tomorrow. Try to love and hold me through it.