Monday, April 29, 2013

just a moment

I wont promise that this blog will make sense, I won't even promise that there is correct splling or grammar, Please bare with me.
Every day I get up and I wonder what is going to happen… I kiss my husband good morning, get my son out of bed by turning on his light and tickling him (yes, I know this isn’t nice but if he isn’t up it is the only way that he will get up), I then begin to get ready for my day.  Many mornings getting ready for my day includes picking up my phone checking on the weather and then opening my text messages.  Sometimes I have one that I need to read but honestly most of the time I hold my phone in my hands and I start to pray.  I pray for the people that are so important in my live. 

The now widow, who was willing to come and sit with me when Zach was so sick and who immediately after Zachary’s passing did something that I will always cherish, that is still very much new to the title of widow that helps her children and loves on her grandchild.  The dear friend who opened up to me and was willing to tell me about the personal things that she has been through, who has had meals with me and who has cared enough to ask how I am doing, who has diabetes and who was in a major car accident.  The dear friend who has made me laugh more than I can tell her, who I miss since it has been a long time since we have really gotten to do anything, who tried her hardest to do the things that I needed when I needed them.  A friend that I love dearly and wonder how she is doing at getting her three boys off to school.  The dear friend who was totally honest with me and told me her story, every detail that I was willing to listen to, who listens to me even when I am not able to get things out, a amazing sweet person who almost never has her husband home and who hates to be alone. A very sweet friend that has adopted my family and that loves on us, who currently is having their family grown through a situation that I can’t imagine having to know what to do.  A friend who is willing to pray for me and talk to me when I don’t know what is going on.   I sit there and I pray and I think of all the amazing things.

See each person has things that we struggle with and while we are not always aware of it there is a reason that we are going through the things that we do.  Lately it is that God is telling me that He has everything that somehow it will be okay.  I am struggling with things that are beyond my control and yet God has been reminding me it isn’t over yet! Things will be okay.  I can look at each of the people that I pray for and I can say that I not only pray for them because of the situation that they are in now but also for the type of person that they are.  However, if I am truthful I don’t know what they are going through at the moment most of the time.  Most of the time I am thinking about the type of person they are or how they have touched my heart so much.  If we are honest with ourselves we all have titles that we can use and some of them will not be nice or pretty to be called but we can use them.  I simply pray for who they are and for all that they are.  I pray for all the ripples that they cause and for the ones that they cause.  I wonder if it will be just ripples or if the waves will come crashing over and yet I still sit there and pray.

God has brought me to where I am, Only God will take me to a different situation, I can move and do the things that he called me to do but I am still called by God to love, respect, care for and do all the things that He has commanded me to do.  Right now I also have to learn that Worry is not one of those things that God has called me as His child not to stress.  That the things of this world Money, medical, jobs, friends and anything else that I add to it are just God reminding me that I don’t have control but that it is all God!

Saturday, April 13, 2013


Adapting is something that I have gotten used to in the past fifteen years or so...
Think about the changing in the past 15 years

  • Graduating college
  • Getting married
  • Having a job
  • Having one child
  • Having two children
  • Dealing with brain cancer
  • Dealing with mitochondrial disease
Well just to name a little

However, I can honesty say I am getting used to putting me first and to take care of myself.  After taking care of people and various illnesses, even dealing the health of myself. My body is telling me it is time for me to adapt again. 

After a very long time of dealing with pcos, insulin resistance and diabetes...I am dealing with it in a very new way.  My mother had type 1 very brittle diabetes, I grew up with insulin, shots, checking blood sugars and all the up and downs of it.  In 2002, I started meds for my blood sugars and insulin resistance.  My a1c had been great.

However, I'm trying to adapt since my body is having more issues and my blood sugars are high.  I am now in the process of using insulin to help.  In this it means I'm adjusting to shots and sticks but also am adjusting to carrying machines, meds and needed supplies.  It's getting warmer, how do I deal with it? How do I keep it cool?  Can I find something to keep up with it all? A pouch that has my personality?

I'm dealing with people not understanding or thinking about what they say before they talk.  The tests are pointing to this not being because of what I eat, mostly cause my labs are pointing to this.  I went from an amazing a1c to one hat is way higher than it should be.  I'm dealing with and adapting what I eat,  drink, and do.  Learning who can deal with me checking my blood sugar, give  myself insulin,and who is bold enough to help me by adapting themselves.  

We adapt as we live, with each breath!
I'm thankful for family and friends that are considered family

Monday, April 8, 2013

12... 12 what???

12 a simple number…. It can stand for a dozen of something.  It can be the number of any number of things, however, for me 12 stands for 12 hours. 

12 the number of injections in my knees and thumbs to help with the psoriasis all done at a doctor’s appointment that took an hour of my day to wait and 15 mins to see the PA

I got a pedicure done, my legs massaged, and my toe nails painted bright orange, think highlighter orange and got a butterfly on my big toes

I got my 2nd holes changed to hoops, after the weeks that the starter earrings had to remain in.  I got to change them and I got to put hoops in.  Not a big deal I get it but for someone that doesn’t wear much jewelry and honestly who has NEVER worn earrings that weren’t studs, this is a huge thing for me.

I gave my best friend control to change my hair.  Yes, GAVE! See I have always had the same style… Never having bangs or layers.  Until this past 6 months I had never colored my hair.  I didn’t know what I wanted so I told her; she could do whatever she wanted as long as I didn’t look like a boy.  I think it is safe to say, I don’t look like a boy.  I just knew that I wanted something different and I wanted it to be short and well fun!!!


Why 12 hours?  See 12 hours was given to me as a gift as one of the ultimate signs of love and concern…my best friend gave me 12 hours.  She was willing to give up her day off to go with me to a doctor’s appointment to make sure that I voiced concerns that she has had to hear my cry over.  She was willing to watch the PA inject my knees and thumbs with 12 shots.  She was willing to help me schedule things that needed to be done that I have to have another adult at with me.  She sat and heard me call other doctors to voice concerns on new meds and things that I am learning about again.  She was willing to remind me to take meds, heck even waking me up when I fell asleep before I gave myself my meds.  She dragged me to get the pedicure because it was obvious that we both needed it.  She listened to me say that I didn’t want to look like a boy but that I would love to be more girly and ready for summer.  She took the time to listen to me respond to styles and to explain to her what I wanted for my hair.  She took the time to teach me the things that I needed to know to fix it.

So why am I telling you this… is it because I wanted to brag on her.  Well yes, I do want to brag on her, I am thankful that God has brought her to not only me but to my family.  But the main reason is because 12 hours isn’t a long time but it has made the biggest difference ever in my life and in how I feel about myself  If you know me you know that I very seldom put myself first, I am a servant and I rather serve you than have myself be served.  However, God really stepped down and showered me with love.  See I had asked several people to go to lunch, meet to pray, to just talk and we were all too busy and so I was feeling alone and isolated, not for anything that had gone on in the past but because of what is going on now.  I needed to know that I was going to be okay.  I mean I know that I am going to be okay but when you feel overwhelmed with life having someone invest in you makes a difference.

When is the last time that you cared enough to talk to a person, to a friend? I am not talking about small talk but to really find out how they feel and what is going on in their lives.  One of the changes that I am making to spend more time on others and on myself, to take the time to learn about the people around me.  How is their family? How are they?  I want to make a difference, I want to be the one that people know they can call on but also be the one that they know that I will call, come and help whenever they need it.  When is the last time that you helped someone not because of the appearance of things but because you were willing and able to do something that made a difference in their lives? No matter what they needed.

I can tell you it isn’t easy… I am sure it hasn’t been easy for those that truly know me to see me deal with the medical tests, doctor’s appointments and medications.  I am sure that they haven’t enjoyed watching me be so hard on myself and cutting myself down.  I am sure that it hasn’t’ been easy for them to change things about their own life to help me with my life.  I am sure they haven’t enjoyed the stories they have heard or the tears that I have shed while told them.  I am sure that they haven’t known what to say and worried that they were going to hurt me with words instead of help me with them.  I am sure that they just didn’t know what to do.  But truth is they did know.

They held my hands, wiped my tears, and heard my stories, didn’t discount my emotions or think that they would understand.  They have cooked dinner; they have taken care of my family when I didn’t want to.  We have laughed and had a great time in those 12 hours.  It starts with a moment, just a little time and desire to know.


How are you doing?