My dear sweet boy,
In my head you are still almost 4, however, I realized lately that you will almost be 7 years old this year. I can’t believe it. It is almost Mother’s day. It is almost to the anniversary of your death, the date that you were blessed to go see Jesus and be in the presence of God. It is almost to another birthday, to your 7th one. To almost everyone else these are just ordinary dates, ordinary boring days. To me, thou it is a reminder that I had something that I was extremely blessed with taken from me. I know where you are so I don’t consider myself to have lost you although lately I can’t help but wonder what did I lose? So another Mother’s day with you in Heaven, another day with you with my mom and surrounded by the loving caring amazing God in Heaven.
I wonder if you are celebrating in heaven with my mom…. Are there cupcakes and skittles at every meal? Have you managed to put stickers all over heaven? Do you still have the most amazing smiles? Do you give the most amazing hugs? Are you with my mom? Can you see your brother? Can you hear all the conversations and do you take sides? Are you sitting by Jesus asking Him to give us 5 more mins?
I wonder what you would be doing if you were still in my arms. If you would have made it through with kindergarten with friends? Would you know your letters? Your numbers? Would you still have oxygen or TPN? Would you be wheelchair bound or would you be running marathons? Would your heart be filled with the love of those new friends that we have?
I miss you so much but I also miss my mom… I pray today, this week, this day that you are loving on my mom in a way that she imagined as I was going up. I pray that you can throw your arms around her and stay in her lap. I pray that she is able to pull you close. I pray that you are able to have moments like I did growing up. Mom Moments that when we are young we don’t realize that they mean so much it is only when it is gone that we realize that we not only loved it but we NEED it. I miss my mom, her hugs, her love, her laughter, her care. No One cares like your mom.
This year Mother’s day is hard for me, not all because I am missing my son, part of the reason why I am a mom but because I am missing my mom, the reason I am here. I am blessed to have Aden, the other reason why I am a mom. I am blessed to have an amazing Mother in Law, I am blessed to have other Woman in my life that matter. I am blessed to have a husband that loves on me and friends that love on me. Tears come hard and fast without reason this year. This is I long to be in my mother’s arms, feeling her love being the only one that matters at that second.
I love you mom! I love you Zach! I pray yall have skittles, a cupcake, enjoy some football and sticker some for me!!