Monday, August 15, 2011

Unexpected and Off Guard

This weekend was so very hard, not only on my family but on many who love Zach.  It was hard to know that we are walking this road without Zach and that we have to carry on without him.  Last night I was having an off night anyway but Aden my strong amazing wonderful one was too.  He has had very little to say about Zach’s death, just that he is in heaven playing and running without a button.  Even last night he wouldn’t say anything, he just finally after the 3rd time and it being 1am curled up in Zach’s bed and went to sleep.  How much are you hurting and missing someone to curl up in his bed?

For me I finally took a quilt that had Zach’s clothing and his pillowcases in it and I curled up with it holding it and crying till I finally went to sleep this morning. I miss him more than I can express and more than anyone can truely understand.
I didn’t expect the little things that have been hurting my heart to be there but they are and most of them are so silly… I have been told to get over it, to suck it up, to have a good day, to forget about it, to … well you get the point.  I simply can’t… this is something that is hard to explain but losing my son, grieving not only his death but his position in this family and all the roles that I had to do effects EVERY part of my life.  I can literally have a day of good erased by 1 thing that is so silly I can’t tell you because I know that you will think that I lost it.  They catch me off guard and unable to be okay, yet somehow I have to carry on and be okay.  Little things hurt, I am beginning to think that it hurts more that the big things, why??? Because the big things people understand and don’t question but the little things…. Well people just don’t understand

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