Yesterday afternoon I took the time to make a phone call that has to be one of the hardest that I have ever done. I called an organization to see if they wanted ALL of the supplies that were left over from Zachary. Since Zachary spent so much time in the hospital we have a ton of surplus… we were blessed to always have what we needed for him. There are families that aren’t so lucky… either they don’t have insurance at all and are forced to provide for their child out of their pocket or they have insurance BUT insurance won’t provide the things that are necessary for the best Quality of life. WE, I, always had in our mind that when Zach’s time on Earth was done that we would donate whatever we had to help other families, we had been so blessed by others passing on items that we wanted to do it for others. We have been slowly doing this… his walker at Christmas time, his wheelchair this summer, his book bag, etc.
Yesterday I felt the necessity to call about donating all of Zach’s supplies… his left over formula, syringes, g-tube supplies, tpn supplies etc. The place that I called was more that excited that I will be bringing them these items and they have 7 centers in Georgia that the items will be spread out in. In knowing that I was going to do take these items this week, I started collecting items. How in the world did one little precious boy need so much stuff???
My heart is honestly broken… I guess I felt like if I held on to it that he might come back. I know that is silly but if I have everything to take care of him if he came back I could keep him. To see the formula, that his body no longer could tolerate and that each box was only a day for him. To know how many days of formula I have for him and how it can touch another family is simply overwhelming. Then to see the feeding pump bags and to find a pump, these are things that I had to have to feed him, they were part of him. Now to bless another family with them, while sweet is heartbreaking. It isn’t fair my little boy should still need them. To look in where I am putting it all and to know that I haven’t even touched the surface but that I have a whole load full is overwhelming.
I keep reminding myself that Zachary isn’t coming back, that I will no longer have to do all the therapies, appointments, feedings, medications or fighting for him. While I am thankful that I don’t and that he is in Heaven, I miss him terribly and I can’t understand why his short short life was filled with so much pain and suffering. I will start to remember all the good things and giving his supplies away will be part of that sharing his legacy and helping others is what he would want me to do. He would want me to share what we had since we have been so blessed.
I can choose to get Better or I can choose to get Bitter! It is up to me. You can choose to get Better or You can choose to get Bitter! It is up to you! Are we going to make a difference today?