Sunday, August 7, 2011

Tears and Fears

Tears: a mixture of salt and water that tend to mean that something is wrong or upsetting.
For me I have to say sometimes tears are the only way to express the upsetness that we have in our heart. Sometimes there are NO words that can be expressed or that make sense. The tears flow cleansing our hearts and freeing our minds. The tears allow us to connect with our hearts, the emotions that you can’t express to anyone and that only you understand. Just because you don’t see the tears doesn’t mean that the heart isn’t crying.

Tears… lots of tears and Fears… lots of fears:

• Tears for a quilt that was given to us. How special and how amazing of a gift? It is something that I can’t express how much it means to us. To look at it and to see all the things that Zach wore and for all the things that we experienced in those clothes. What an amazing blessing that Thank you doesn’t seem like enough.

• Tears for trying to shop for school supplies, I never thought that shopping would be so difficult. I have been trying for multiple weeks to get things done. I got most of it done but this weekend I went shopping and had a major breakdown with it. I wound up sitting down in the middle of an aisle and crying for about 5 mins then picking myself up finishing and walking out. I didn’t’ get the school stuff that he needed but I tried.

• Tears for a family who is going through a rough moment, having to think about things that they should never have to think about. Finding out what they can do and praying that all will be on the same page, crying because I don’t have the words to help or to make a difference.

• Tears for a friend who has lost her dad and feels like they are having to mourn his death far faster than her heart is able to, putting herself aside because she has to be there for others.

• Tears for a friend who has family stuff going on that she can’t express to anyone but tears at her heart and is causing Stress that hurts and makes them feel like they can’t do it anymore. That they are drowning in all the stress.

• Tears that I am going to have another comment made to me that isn’t helpful.

• Fears that I am going to have another comment made to me that I am going to loose it on and be mad about and go off on a person.

• Fears that I am not being a good wife, mom, or friend.

• Fears that what I am feeling that no one will understand, that I won’t be able to express what is in my heart.

• Fears that the mom will make a decision that her family won’t agree with.

• Fears that I won’t matter anymore.

You see we have tears, we have fears and we have things that hurt and destroy us. I am trying to stay firm in the fact that I can in fact be strong enough.  That I am strong enough to be okay through this, strong enough to say that I am not okay, strong enough to try to be all that God has called me to be.

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