Tuesday, July 9, 2013

warning just a little soapbox

I have been trying to figure out what to write for this but I can’t seem to get my thoughts to stop swirling and zooming around in my head long enough for my fingers to even begin to know what to type.  It has been almost a month since we went to the hospital and celebrated Zach’s death.  I hesitate to even type it that way because we didn’t celebrate that Zach died we just shared with others to remind them that they weren’t alone.  We shared part of Zachary’s legacy with the hospital reminding people that they are not alone in the battle that they are facing.  For Zach’s birthday I attempted to make cupcakes… now please don’t miss hear me, I can make cute cupcakes and I even make my icing from scratch but nothing I did this year turned out right for them.  I made them as a little reminder to me (not for the people that ate them) but for me to remember all the laughter that Zach had, even though he couldn’t eat, he loved to make cupcakes and consistently did it.  It is something hard to deal with; we have Zachary’s death date, Fathers day and then his Birthday all in a two week period. 

Why do I choose to celebrate his birthday and his death date? I have been asked this followed up by the statements that seem to be so judging and hateful even if I know that they were NOT meant to be.  They were just reminders that the world that I walk in is not one that people understand.  I was asked why celebrate his birthday? He is dead! Why celebrate when he died you know that he is okay and is with God? Why cry? Why Hurt? Because after all you should be happy that he is with God and that he is stronger, healed and perfect.  Why do that and make everyone else around you remember Zachary? After all you lost him, he is dead. You shouldn’t cry because you have Aden and a family that loves you.

So here I sit I am putting my soap box on the floor and I am standing on it and screaming into the microphone… Please listen!

·        Zachary was my son and no matter where he is I will love him and miss him.  As a mother we love our children and miss them when they are not close, you can know that your child is out with friends having the time of their lives but you cannot sit there and pretend that you don’t miss them or want to be with them or even that you secretly wish that you could be a fly and watch them smile, laugh and have a good time.  You cannot tell me that as a mother you don’t love it when your child calls home, or even better yet comes home.  You long to catch up and see how things are going.  Yes, I know that he is in Heaven, I know how much of a blessing it is but I also know that since he is there he isn’t here with me.  While I am glad that he is healed and no longer subject to all that was here on earth, I also hurt.

·        Zachary’s death is something that we use to share the legacy that he left.  Zach taught many of us me how to be strong even when we don’t know how to be.  He taught me how to love. He taught me how to not judge and he taught me how to fight.  I know that he didn’t teach me all that he could have but I tell you this Many people dream of their Heroes I got to hold mine in my arms.

·        Why celebrate his birthday? To this all I can say is just because someone dies doesn’t mean that he or she never existed, if that was true then we wouldn’t celebrate our grandparents, heck we wouldn’t get national holidays off (think Washington’s birthday etc).  My Mom was very much part of this world and while she is in Heaven she had a day she was born unto this earth.  Zachary does to, while a child and not living as long as others, he was in fact still born.  Think about that next time you tell someone not to get upset on a dead loved ones birthday

·        LOST? I didn’t lose him, I wasn’t shopping at the mall and turned and he was gone.  I didn’t lay him down and can’t remember where.  I didn’t drop him out of my pocket.  Zachary is in Heaven, I know this, I know that he is blessed to be with God.  Please know while he isn’t in my daily life here, I am still very well aware of the fact that I didn’t lose him   

·        Please know that I am honored to have Adam and Aden and it is only because of them that I am alive.  I went to work every day last school year, even on the days that I rather not have.  I made sure Aden had clean clothes and lunch every day.  I tried to keep up with clothes and dishes and I tried to be a good friend.  To tell me that I need to not be upset or cry because I have them is crazy, I wake up every morning even if it is only have an hour sleep and I live that day for them.  Before you judge missing someone or being upset walk through it…loose a child, a spouse or a parent that you are close to. 

So now that I said this I would like to say this… please know that it is okay if you talk about Zachary.  It okay if you ask questions about him or even about me and how things are different.  It is okay to share good information with me like being pregnant or having a birthday. It is okay to cry because something hurts you and you don’t always have to be strong just because you think my heart needs it.  Recently I was part of a conversation talking about the health of one that I love.  I was told, I try to hold it together with you, and I shouldn’t let you see me or hear me like this as tears streamed down their face… you have been through too much.  I reached over held them and let them know their tears are not in vain, they in fact made me understand that I am not alone, that I am normal.  That while I don’t know the words to say to make things better, while I know that I can’t change that situation and while I don’t know what it feels like; The hurt, tears, and emotions well I have them of my own. 

I am sorry to get on the soap box and to even sound a tad bitter, I am not bitter but I know that it still very much hurts.  Each day it is getting a tad easier and while I often don’t have the words to express why I am sad or why I am upset, those days are becoming less frequent.  I am blessed to have good family and good friends around me that hug me and love on me when I need to.  Grief is like a wave it comes in and out on its own time schedule and sometimes the waves are high and hard and will knock you under and sometimes they are gentle and little to just make you shiver.  Each and every milestone Aden goes through is one that Zach will never go through and so that is something that we have to grieve.  Each holiday is one that we don’t get to celebrate and be with him.  It doesn’t ever just go away. My family and other families like mine need to be able to grieve without having family and friends, those that should love and support us the most  making comments and judging us

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Happy Happy Birthday My little Man!

A number of years ago I was getting done with Church and I was delighted to be pregnant and having a good time, considering the complications that I had during that time being at church, dancing with Aden and hearing what God was doing with our youth was amazing.  We left church and went to have Mexican, one of my major yummy foods that I loved while pregnant, all I remember is having salsa and chips and being asked by the waiter if I wanted a straw for the salsa because I was basically drinking it.

It was month end for my husband, who at the time was an accountant for a national restaurant chain, and I knew that week was his week that he had to be at work.  We joked about it and said if I could keep out of the hospital till the 4th that we could have fireworks and be okay with delivering our second child.  Aden went to bed and Adam went to bed and I stayed up watching TV, I couldn’t get comfortable, midnight hit and I still couldn’t get comfortable, I tell myself that if I was still hurting at 2am that I would wake Adam up.  I got in the tub and sat there trying to think of what we could do for the 4th that would be inside because the heat was unbearable, thinking that one of my friends had her daughter on the 4th, thinking that I have two close friends whose birthdays are the 6th and 9th.  I wasn’t comfortable but when 2am rolled around, I told myself that IF I could wake up Adam by simply saying his name that I would go to the hospital.  I whispered “Adam” and he woke up instantly.  I told him that we needed to go to the hospital and that we needed to call the doctor.  It wasn’t a debate, I fought having to call every time I hated being high risk and having complications I hated calling but that night I knew we needed to go and to call.  They did tell us to go and we went.

We got there and the nurse was the one that did the last couple of my visits and decided because they checked me for the UTI or dehydration that she would check me to make sure that I wasn’t in labor.  When she checked she found out that I was 9cm dilated and that she could feel the baby’s head.  The midwife was called, Adam’s mom was called and I went down to a room.  For not sleeping in over 24 hours, I had no idea that I was in labor or why I didn’t know.  Adam’s mom went to get batteries; she was gone less than 15 mins.  In those 15 mins the midwife sat down on the bed with me and I had my son Zachary Eli Moody born July 2, 2007

I didn’t know that day that my life would be changed so much, it would be a day that I think of often… what if I had known I was in labor? Would he have made it? We found out at his delivery that his cord was wrapped around his neck twice and then knotted.  If I had known and gone in to the hospital earlier they would have stopped my labor and then there is a huge chance Zachary would have never made it. 

Zachary should be turning 6 years old this year.  I wonder what he would be into, how tall he would be, how much he would weigh, if he would still have his favorite color be brown, if he would be talking.  I know that I would still get lost in his smile!  I sit here and I wonder if they throw birthday parties in Heaven or if every day is such an amazing experience that it is no longer needed.  I wonder if Zachary is in charge of cupcakes and if he is watching butterflies.  I wonder if he is being hugged by my mother and if she is able to tell him how much I love him or if Zachary is able to tell my mom how much I love her and missed her.  I wonder what would we have gotten him for his birthday and would he have been able to eat? 

I will choose today to remember that I have two boys. 

Cupcakes, butterflies, and Smiles all mean more now because of you Zachary, I miss you more than I the air I breathe and more than people understand.  Your daddy misses Daddy Time (I miss listening to yall giggle and talk) and holding you in his arms.  Your brother misses sharing a room with you.  Your MaMaw misses you being in her arms.  Your Papaw missing being able to walk with you.  We all miss you, I miss sharing you with the world, miss letting you mean those in my life that mean so much to us. 

Happy Birthday my sweet little man

Zachary Eli Moody

July 2, 2007- June 14, 2011