Monday, October 31, 2011


I have had to been asked a million times what we were doing tonight and if we were celebrating Halloween… almost every time when I told the person that we didn’t know they looked at us slightly embarrassed and asked if we were anti Halloween. The truth is no, I am not anti-halloween. The truth is something that is far different that you can ever imagine.

6 years ago today, I packed up the car with a 30day old baby and I went to go visit Adam’s work. It was our first real trip somewhere; Aden still has in his room a picture of him in his Daddy’s arms. I know exactly where it was in Adam’s office and I am always amazed that my amazing and awesome son was that little and he is such a big boy now. So Halloween rolls around and I instantly think of that picture and I smile from ear to ear… my 1st born with his daddy. How time flies?

1 year ago, 365 days ago, our family was blessed with a friend who MADE Zach’s costume for him. He had been so sick I wasn’t going to worry about it. But the middle of Oct rolled around and Zach was doing so well we decided that YES we were going to go to our churches Trunk or Treat. Our preschool department went above and beyond for my boys, for Zach. Zach at the time could only have a few things by mouth, well he could only have powerade/Gatorade and plan lays potato chips. So at each trunk he got playdoh, stickers, crayons, powerade/Gatorade, and/or chips. At one of the booths he got a glow stick. I still remember the boys with the glow sticks. Zach (well all of us) walked around; he played attempting to shoot a basket and to kick a field goal. We as a family went on a hay ride and the gentleman driving it kept checking on Zach to make sure it wasn’t too fast. I have pictures of that night; in his homemade wonderful costume, laughing, smiling, and so full of life, we got to be a family and we have pictures of it. We have pictures of us as a family of 4.

So why am I telling you this… that night we had no idea that that event would be the LAST event that we would do as a family at our church. Church isn’t just a place for us to be, our faith in Jesus and our relationship with Him and God isn’t just something that we do on Sunday morning, it is our life. We had no reason to think that with Zach doing so well that less than a year later he wouldn't be here.  we wouldn’t be celebrating Halloween together again this year. He was so full of life and so happy and he had such a GOOD time going and getting things that he could have to eat and do. It was a “normal” night to him due to the love of our church, of his church, his church felt like he was that special, something that we didn’t realize until later. I realized that the last thing we did as a family of 4 at our church was the trunk or treat. We attempted to bring Zach some, but after that point he was really just too weak and had a hard time. The pictures of our family in our church parking lot are so very special to me. I am so appreciative of those that took the time and the money (it wasn’t cheap to do his stuff) to make that night special for Zach, but I am now eternally grateful that they did it because it allowed my family a night of normalcy in what was going to be a rough year.

So are we going to celebrate tonight… Adam and I don’t want to. However, we may when it comes down to it. We aren’t sure what we are going to do and we are going to play it by ear.

Saturday, October 29, 2011


Today Adam and I got up and planned out our morning…We were going to look for Christmas gifts, normally I have started by now but this year it has been hard. I wanted to go ahead and look because I know that soon it is going to become harder, each day into the Holiday season (Thanksgiving and Christmas) will become harder. We went to the Christian bookstore to find out that a book that has been given to us multiple times has a new children’s version out. Before we left the store we were told that the Family that Wrote “Heaven Is For Real” was going to be at the Walmart and that they would be doing autographs. Adam and I looked at each other and said we aren’t strong enough to do that.

One thing led to another and we found ourselves at the Walmart to get Aden, so I promptly bought the children’s version of “Heaven is For Real” and I hopped in line. For those that don’t know what the book “Heaven is for Real” is about let me quickly tell you. The Burpo family had a son Colton who fell dangerously ill. While in the hospital Colton had to have surgery. One day a while later, Colton told his Dad, who is a pastor, about Heaven. This book tells about his experience. The children’s version is super sweet and will be perfect for Aden who is still dealing with his brother’s death.

The Burpo Family was wonderful and nice and we were able to tell them about how we managed to get 3 copies of the book and why were buying the children’s book. Aden told them about Zachary and about how he was almost 4 (the age of Colton when he fell ill) when Zach died. They autographed the book to Aden and Colton gave Aden his bracelet.

When we made it back to the car, we got to let Aden listen to the next surprise which was a Jamie Grace CD. Aden’s favorite song is on this album, which is HOLD ME!!! It is a fast upbeat wonderful song. We put the song on and we listened to our 6 year old sing his HEART out to God. Adam and I broke down into tears again. See no matter how bad things feel and are, God is always there. Hearing our son worship is something that can’t be replaced and was an honor to hear. It was a great reminder that this Holiday Season (thanksgiving and Christmas) is going to come. We can choose to worship like we always have or we can choose to curl up and ignore it all. We can remember that Family is important. We can although it is hard and emotional, we can have a great season.

Friday, October 28, 2011



Everyday is a gift that we are blessed with.

Everyday is a chance that we have to be a good friend.

Everyday is a day that we are able to touch the lives around us and to make a difference.

I am learning that it isn’t about the letters behind your name, it isn’t about the clothes that you wear, it isn’t about how big of a paycheck you receive at the end of the week, it isn’t about how many cars you have or what type. It is amount love, being willing to put yourself aside for someone that you care about, holding someone a tad closer in your prayers because it is all you can do. It is about being willing to stay up late to listen or to stop what you are doing when called upon. How much of a difference are you going to make?

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer” Romans 12:12

Thursday, October 27, 2011


Almost anyone that knows me knows that I love to sing… I won’t pretend to have a great voice, I won’t pretend to have a voice that others want to hear, but I love to sing. Over a year ago I had to step down from praise team, not because someone made me but because Zach was getting to the point where I couldn’t confirm that I could be there. So I stepped down, I felt like it was the right thing to do. Well 4 months ago when Zach passed away, I was able to attend church again. It was hard; to be honest it is still hard sometimes. I have been asked by several when I was stepping back on the stage again. I always laughed it off and say “give it time, not right now” Well after some praying hard and some reassurance that I will be okay, I got in touch with our music minister and asked if I could come back, his answer was, we have practice tonight can you make it. Not exactly the answer that I was expecting. So last night I went to practice, it was HARD, I felt like it was another FINALITY that Zach was in heaven and not coming back. I sung several songs that I don’t know but I did okay. I can honestly say that I MISSED singing. I am so honored to get to sing again.

I have to say that in my worshipping last night it brought several people in my mind… friends that are going through times that I don’t’ understand. I have a friend who had her dad die, when he died her chance to develop a real relationship with him vanished. I have a friend who has a child, that medically things are going wrong, her son is going to have surgery Monday, they found out yesterday. I have a friend whose husband is gone for a month, while thankful that he is in the US and not oversees this time, it is still hard. A friend whose mom is in ICU fighting for her life and the family is making hard decisions. A friend who hasn’t had a job in a while was just blessed with new job. A friend whose Son is in the ICU and they had to perform CPR to keep him here on earth this morning. A friend who called me upset because they feel like they have done something so horrible that I will hate them (WHICH WAS A LIE, I love you). A friend who lost a parent and feels like they are now alone and incapable of doing the things that they need to do, a friend who had her husband walk out on her, A friend who keeps getting told that things are wrong with their child medically but that they can’t figure out what is going on or how to help. A friend who is in a marriage that needs to be healed, a friend who is going through a divorce that no one understands. A friend who is overwhelmed, thinks that she is alone, whose thoughts are racing, and who can’t see past the sec she is in.

Here is my thought for you, my prayer for you…

May you know that you are worth it, that you are an AWESOME person, AWESOME mom, AWESOME Wife, AWESOME friend. You are NEVER alone; you don’t have to do this alone. God is with you and you have friends that will be by your side. God tells us that all works towards His great plan, it doesn’t promise us that it will be easier or that we will understand but He does promise that He will never leave nor forsake us. Hang in there and know that I am ALWAYS here

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Blessings and Hard times…

That seems like a title that doesn’t really exist but I am here to tell you that it does. I think that with all the things that God has allowed us to go through that we are learning that to keep our eyes on Christ sometimes means that we hurt in ways that the world doesn’t understand.

I have had a hard time, it is the start of the holiday season. Now for us and for the Moody’s this is the time that we spend lots of time with family. I have always had a hard time, not a huge hard time but a little bit of a hard time, because my mother died the Friday after thanksgiving in 2002. It was a black Friday for sure, however, one filled with joy. Why because my mother was whole again, she wasn’t hurting anymore, she had NO cancer. The following thanksgiving, 2003, I promptly started a new tradition. I got up and went shopping for black Friday. Last year for this tradition I had a dear friend of mine in town and I had a blast with her. It was a GREAT year for that. This year I am unsure of what is going to happen, I know that I am delighted to have family and friends that will surround us during this time. However, I am sad, I miss my mom and I miss my little man, Zach! I wonder if my mom is keeping up with Zach or if Zach has to keep up with my mom, all she ever wanted to do was pour her love into her family and into the children of the family. I am sure that Zach is spoiled rotten.

Then I thought about Christmas, this is the one of the two days that means the most to our family. We have a faith in God, in Jesus and because of that Christmas means a lot to us. It is a family day, starting off with sausage cheese balls and grandparents coming, we see family, we cook, and we are together as a whole. Last year we had to alter our plans it was different, we altered out place but the one thing that didn’t change was that our family was together. So once again this year it is going to focused family but I am so unsure how emotionally I am going to be able to handle it.

However, in thinking about this holiday time, I have to tell you that our family has already been blessed. Zach touched many and one of the people that he touched had her husband go to be with Jesus. As part of sharing his legacy, she donated an ipod touch to Zach. Zach was inseperatable from it. One day about 7 months ago, Zach was at a restaurant and he sat it down on the table as I got his oxygen, tpn, fluids and all together to leave, someone walked by and took it. I was devastated, and honestly that doesn’t cover it, I mean Zach loved this and it was an honor to get it. I cried and cried and cried about it but I realized that we would never see it again.

So I got an email this week from apple that stated that a local county law enforcement office was questioning them about an ipod, so they forwarded me the information. Because the person that gave it to Zachary got it inscribed with “Zach Moody, God Bless You” They were able to google his name, finding out that he was no longer alive, They went the extra mile to make contact with me. I drove today to go and get it. It has more scratches on it than when it got taken and it was wiped from all the data and pictures that were on it but we have the unit back.

This is important to us because we were going to start a tradition of getting something for Aden from Zach for Christmas. This year we will be getting an otterbox case, new headphones and loading this ipod up to give it to Aden. Aden will be given back his brothers ipod. Adam and I fill like Zachary had his 5 mins and had it returned to his brother. Aden has no clue and we don’t plan on telling him that we have it back!

Friday, October 21, 2011

God’s unexpected plan…

A long time ago, well not so long ago but too much with all that has gone on it seems forever ago., a book was given to me by a mom who has special needs children. She had recently had a daughter that was blessed to go be with Jesus, in her pain and in her healing we were blessed with some items that we desperately needed for Zach. Because of her daughter’s legacy, Zach sat at the table with us at meals and was able to color/do art with his brother. I told her thank you for that!

However, in with those items was a book, a book that she drew Hope and comfort through. I never understood why I was given this book. When we first got it I tried and tried and tried to read it and I couldn’t. I always thought it was because I didn’t have time, or the desire. I found out today, it was because my heart wasn’t ready for it. This book explains how my heart feels, it reminds me that I am not alone, and not only am I not alone but that God has NEVER left me in this journey.

The book is titled: Holding on to HOPE: a pathway through suffering to the heart of God. By Nancy Guthrie. This book was moved from spot to spot in our house, one day in the past couple of months Adam picked it up. Now for anyone that knows Adam, him picking up this book should have been my 1st clue that God was in it. Adam doesn’t really care to read just to read and this was book 2 that he had picked up to read. Adam read it and told me, Jen please try to read this. I pushed it off. Yesterday morning, Adam took it out of his book bag and handed it to me. I took this as God’s sign for me to read it. I had been looking for a bible study or a book to help me deal with and handle with some of the intimate things in my heart. I took this as God’s mouth and a push that the time was right for me to read this book that we had for over a year probably.

I finished this book, this morning!!! I made myself stop reading yesterday because I needed to do some things but I picked it back up this morning and finished it. God is so amazing… God took the pain of a mom to write this book, took the pain of a mom to give me the book (not just suggest it but actually give it) to touch me; A mom who is hurting from all of the things that have occurred. Here is how it has changed though. There is a story, a section of verses in the bible that talks about why there was a man who was born blind. See in the day it was the custom that it was someone’s fault, I know I am like that even today, if the tire blows out what did I do, if Aden gets sick what did I do, this isn’t a concept that has gone away. So in John 9, God reminds us that He is the ultimate designer.

“Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” John 9:2-3

Now, this has been a life passage for Adam for the past couple of years, the peace that Adam needed to know that it is ALL for God’s GLORY. It has nothing to do with us; we are simply vessels to accomplish the task that God has placed forth. I think that this has hit home with me lately. The number of life’s that Zach has touched, we will never know, but I can stand and tell you that I am stronger today than I was yesterday. That I have a purpose and a passion to help those walk through the unbearable things of their lives, the ones that many don’t understand and don’t want to even imagine.. God didn’t intend for us to do this alone.

Just as we were handed this book from a dear mom, I pray that I am able to pass on the encouragement and the love to make it one more sec, then one more min, then one more day! Then those days will add and it will be a week, those weeks, will become months. The pain doesn’t go away but I have accepted that God has desired it perfectly for me, that He is holding me and that He has never stopped loving me.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

People learn…

People learn based on what they are around, Children learn by what is done to them, what they are around and how they are expected to act. Today I had an instance that made me thankful that Aden has a loving family and that he knows that not everyone is alike. Aden has been having some medical issues and since he came home yesterday and totally crashed I didn’t give his medications, I mean he doesn’t have a Gtube he has to be awake to take meds that are liquids and meds that are gummies. Today he had an instance where he needed me at school, he was able to convience them to call but we have a code phrase that lets me know that He needs his medication. Something that is normal but tells me that he is hurting. He had to ask the nurse multiple times to tell me the statement. Finally right before she hung up with me I heard him say something and I asked her, she told me he needs me to tell you that “his stomach hurt”. This was the one piece of information I needed to know, I packed meds and got things and headed to his school. While I was there helping him and giving meds the nurse questioned me on if I had this and that. When I said yet she rolled her eyes and turned. I could have gotten over that, however, with others students there, she then proceeded to degrade my son because of this problem. Aden looked at me and asked me if he had to stay, with tears in his eyes he told me that he couldn’t help it and that he was sorry. I looked at him, pulled him close, and loved on him. I told him that school was important and that he needed to finish. So he asked if I would walk him to his classroom, he needed to know it was okay. So I gladly took my sons hand and walked him back to class, proud that he is so amazing.

So let me tell you what you do matters, no one saw his tears or the hurt on his face. No one knows what goes through his head, and guess what he isn’t the only one. We all are this way, we learn what emotions to hide and which ones are okay. We learn who we can talk to and who we can be real with and who can’t. Aden is a sweet, caring, loving, amazing child because of ALL that he was exposed to. He is amazing because he has people that love on him. Hold your children tight let them know that you love them, that they are good enough, to keep trying and that all is okay.

My heart is upset but I have never been so proud of my son, he took the upsetness put it away and walked into class. Smiling and acting like all is okay

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

As I am typing

As I am typing this… there are parents that are in the ICU room hearing that their child might not make it two weeks. While I am writing this there are parents that are making the decision to not continue treatments. While I am writing this there are parents that are having to decide that it is better for their precious love one to die at home. While I am typing this there are parents learning for the 1st time that their child isn’t sick with a common cold but with an illness that will claim their life. While I am typing this there are parents who are hurting with how to tell a sibling that their brother/sister isn’t coming home again. While I am writing parents have to decide what the next course of treatment is and if it is worth trying? While I am typing this there are parents learning that their child’s life expectancy is less than a car or a washing machine.

As I am typing this… There are parents that feel like they can’t tell others what is going on. While I am writing this there are parents that can’t use a word to express how badly they hurt. While I am writing this there are parents who are crying on the inside but can’t express it on the outside. While I am writing this there are parents who are having an emotional breakdown but can’t reach out. While I am writing this there is a parent who decides that the only way to handle this is to kill themselves. While I am writing this there are parents who have so much despair that the next breath is too much. While I am typing this parents are coming to grips that their child will not go to school anymore but have to stay at home. While I am writing this parents are figuring out money and how to go to another state for treatment cause that is the closest place that knows what they are doing. While I am writing this parents are having to decide that moving the whole family is the best thing for that child, that where they are simply isn’t good enough

Why am I writing this? I am reminded that Adam and I are not the only ones who went through the pain and the suffering of a child who was ill. We fought a long time without letting people in; we did it on our own. This isn’t a battle that you should have to fight, it just isn’t. You aren’t alone, It isn’t fair the decisions that you are being asked to make or the things that you have to tell your other children. It isn’t fair that you have to call love ones to prepare them that one more breath might be too much for your child. We knew that God is with us. We know that even know but no one has the words to take the pain away. But I know for so long I tried to fight it alone and I failed miserably at doing it. I became a basket case and I became upset because I couldn’t do anything. I wanted to help, but in reality only knowing that Zach was in God’s hands and that he was taken care of helped.

My point in this is simple.. If you are in this position.. You aren’t alone, you are never alone. I am here (we are here) as much or as little as you want us to be. You do not have to do this alone. You don’t have to feel like you are the only one. If you are blessed enough to not be in one of these situations please pray and make yourselves available. Love on and help those that need you so deeply

Monday, October 17, 2011

Amazing Blessings…

Today was a day that I can honestly say we have been praying for a while, In this case today was the day that Adam took the last part of the CPA exam. This is his second time taking the exam, he took this same exam in May and he failed it. Who could blame him, Zach was Sick, really sick, our family was tired, we were living each day trying to hold ourselves together as a family. He did his best and was close to it but the final grade was a fail. So today was the day that he took it again. Today was also a day that Adam and I went to go get some of the testing that Aden had done. In this case it was to see how we can help Aden in school; Aden is a huge blessing and is extremely bright. These tests were designed to help us know what to do for him.
I was able to have lunch with my husband, it was unexpected and much needed… to be able to talk and enjoy each other. It was a huge blessing, it was wonderful to be in a resturant full of people and to be by ourselves, you know being wrapped up in only each other. I was able to talk to a dear friend on the phone, well, two of them. Both of these people were and are huge blessings in my life. Both are Christian women who have loved on me no matter what is going on. Both called kinda unexpected but HUGELY appreciated. In fact I wasn’t done talking to one but my phone kept cutting me off, I was MAD that I was cut short with her.  The other it has been a long time since I have talked to her and I have forgotten how much she means to me and how much God can speak through a person.  She spoke to my heart!

My father in law who is a staple in our lives, he is always willing to put himself aside and do things for us.  We couldn't do all the things that we do without Adam's wonderful parents,they are wonderful and they love on us in such an amazing and Godly way. In this case he was watching Aden for us while we went and got results. When I dropped Aden off, I was told to head home and that they would bring Aden back to me tonight. I was thankful actually I was honored, I mean it was one less thing to do, I know selfish but honest. They surprised us by coming and bringing dinner, to be able to sit around the table and laugh and enjoy. What an honor!!! I appreciate them more than I can type.

Then I got this card tonight in the mail… Now I understand the whole sending cards of encouragement it is something that I do often. However, I don’t think that I have ever received cards from another person in the best time possible than from this person. I got a card tonight and I was appreciative and honored. How amazing? Why is it amazing? Because God saw that I needed some love and I needed some encouragement and He let someone know that I did and that person even states away pay attention to it.

See we each have days and sometimes WEEKS, maybe months that seem to go on forever, ever, and ever. We struggle with the many things that are in our lives. We struggle to do the things, take care of our children, do our jobs, clean our clothes, etc. One of my biggest things that I felt let to do is to pray for and to encourage my friends as they have encouraged me. I am thankful that God loves me enough and that my friends love me enough! In this case it to see how things work… to know that God is ALWAYS with us!

Friday, October 14, 2011

4 Months…

The world teaches us that we need to find love in others... the church teaches that we need to strive for God (so people think that we are supposed to be perfect) when all along God calls us to come to Him the way we are, to let Him work.

4 months is how long Zach has been blessed to be with Jesus, I feel like it has been such a rollercoaster that I can’t imagine however, it is real and it is our new reality. To look at new pictures and realize that we are a family of 3 not 4 has been the hardest adjustment for me. I don’t want to forget Zach or think that he isn’t part of the family. He just is blessed to be with my mom in heaven.

I am learning that God’s plan has so many awesome things in it…family, friendships, sunsets, colors, legos, cards, texts and emails to name a few. God has always been here, He always will be. God loves me unconditionally; He sings over me, He collects my tears. I matter that much. So while on earth I grieve 4 months, I know in my heart that our Heavenly Father is showing Zach the place of a lifetime, with the love of a lifetime! One Day I will get to join him there and Zach will get to show me all around, ONE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, October 13, 2011


Deuteronomy 31:6 -- Be Strong and Courageous, do not be afraid or terrified of them, for the Lord God goes with you, he will never leave nor forsake you

This verse was given to me and it is a nice reminder to know that God is ALWAYS with us... This means good times and bad times. It means He is ALWAYS with us. I have had a number of AWESOME reminders. A phone call, an email, a new friend, a song, mail, and texts just a few things to remind me that God is here.

God hasn’t left me, with all the pain and all the heartache, all the emotions, God is still here. He has giving me amazing songs, amazing cards, and amazing words. I have had conversations with people that I am blessed to have. I received a late birthday present and it was from a friend who got me colors, I love colored ink. It makes me happy and happier that she remembered. He gave me an awesome and amazing lunch with a friend, cheese dip and all. To be able to converse and to enjoy being there, what an honor what a blessing to be with an AMAZING friend. To have a family member declare their love and commitment to being with you for everything, to walk every step, to open her home, to pray with and for, to laugh with and to cry with.  To be able to do lunch and dinner with a new friend to know that she has such a sweet Godly spirit, not perfect, but tender, something that is needed in my heart. A sweet tender voice of God to help me along since my heart is so tender right now. To have a long time friend, someone that I consider to be a sister, have her 1st child, a baby boy. I was honored to get to feel her stomach when her little one was still inside of her. She is my sister that I never got to have, we have been through a lot together.

All of these are things that I have been blessed with... little things and big things, private things, intimate things and very social things. God was in them all, giving me exactly what I need. That God is HERE!!! God’s Grace is sufficient for me that I can stay strong in him

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Well I am officially sick, it is the 1st time I have been sick in a while. This is something that I am feeling pretty lucky because this is just my throat and when I cough my chest. I know that it can be so so so much worse. I am feeling very honored that this morning I could curl up and I could sleep, that I could get my body the rest it needs to heal.

I have to say that this past week Aden got some work sent home from school. Adam and I have always been amazed and proud of Aden and his abilities. He has shown us that he is compassionate, caring, smart, and flexible. When we saw his work from school we got to see how he was doing in school. Adam and I both wanted to climb onto of a mountain and scream that he was our son. His work was amazing. Aden can’t always tell us what he wants to do or what he did in school but he always has at least one thing that he likes to tell us about. He loves to be social and involved as well how wonderful.

Sunday night we were watching tv and a little girl that was in the rehab unit at the same time as Zach was, was on the tv. Aden asked if Zach knew her and we told him yes, they were there at the same time. He looked at us, then turned and looked at the TV, when he turned back around he asked us if he could pray for her, that she wouldn’t have to go back to hospital. It was a sweet moment. He has such a caring spirit and is wonderful when it comes to his ability to help others. He is enjoying all of the things that he is learning during Awana. I am very proud of him.

Family is a gift that God gives us. I am blessed with an amazing family!!!

Monday, October 10, 2011

Blessed and Amazed

Another day and I can say that I am in awe… TIRED and not feeling 100% but still an AMAZING day.

I have realized that I am blessed with family that cares, with friends that care, with family that I care about and friends that I care about. It is Monday and it is rainy but I have to say it is nice and calming.. I can say that I am tired but I am blessed to have a house that will keep me dry. I am blessed with getting to curl up and love on my son. I can think back on the weekend that I had and be delighted. I have family time, laughing and playing and a good time and then I can think about going to a friend’s house and getting to know them more and getting to develop a relationship with them. It is such a sweet sweet thing. A God given thing for sure.

I am saddened though by several im’s that I got… 1. Whose son is having issues and the doctors are saying that there are only a few more options but that even with the best results that the child has a shortened life. I understand that pain, slightly different situation so I don’t completely understand but there are no words for the pain that is there and for the anger of wanting to hurt those that can’t help your child. I am continuing to pray and hope that they know that we are always there for them. There is nothing harder than the path that they are on. 2. Then a friend of mine is going to be moving, I don’t know when and while I completely understand my heart breaks. The good thing is that I know how to use facebook and I know how to text so we can always stay in touch but it is hard. I feel really blessed that I know her and the whole family but I will miss them greatly. 3. Then I got word that someone that I know was heading to the hospital because her daughter was going to be admitted, they don’t know how good or bad it is but my heart breaks for this mom and dad. I don’t talk to them much anymore but my heart isn’t harden to them and to the things they are going through I care about them deeply.

All this is to remind me that God is always with me. That even in rough times God is there, I am never alone, we are never alone. It is written in the Bible that “He will never leave us or forsake us” doesn’t mean it will be easy it means that He will be here with us at all time. He tells us that nothing can take us out of God’s hand once we are there… the only way to be there is to accept Him. Well it is to Admit that we are sinners (that we do things wrong, which we all do). Believe that Jesus (God’s only son) died on the cross and that He was raised on the third day. Then we have to confess and turn our ways towards Him. This doesn’t mean that we never miss up, do things wrong, get upset, have bad things happen… it simply means that God is walking with us. It is how you get a peace that passes all understanding it is how you can grieve like there is hope. It is how we can live the life that God intended us to be.  It means that I can pray for those that I love and those that I care about.  I am thankful that my God is bigger than the boogie man, that He is bigger than all the monsters and all the things that can bother us.

Friday, October 7, 2011

3 things…

Simply three things, which three things you might ask? It is 3 things that I am thankful for… I am thankful for a lot but today at this instance what are three things that I am thankful for.

1. I am thankful for family and friends. God has blessed me with the ability to reconnect and to become friends with. I have been able to develop friendships with people that I have only seen at a distance and wondered how they were doing. For my family that loves me, supports me and desires for me to be okay. They all hug me and love on me.

2. I am thankful for colored ink, yes I know silly but I am thankful that I can write in my journal in different colors. It allows me to reconnect with an emotion. To not be bored, to see the joy. I hate when I see all these things and it looks like a bruise: black and blue. Color has allowed me to write and to express myself to say things that I would keep hidden but needed to write about. Journaling as allowed me to clear my mind and to get things out of my mind and where I can say I don’t need to worry about them or that I need to do deal with.

3. I am thankful for Facebook, this connects with number 1. I have gotten the opportunity on facebook to get to know people and get to share my story. But I also get to talk to my family in other states or cities, friends that are in different states, well in different countries. Friends that I haven’t gotten to talk to in a long time. People that I see every week but haven’t gotten to really talk to because surrounded by people the communication is impossible to start. I can set up events and be invited to events. I can hear prayer requests and pray for people that I can’t normally be involved with

I am very thankful that God blesses me every day!

Thursday, October 6, 2011


Yesterday I was thankful for people and for how they have impacted my life… I think that I am still in that mode. I am thankful. Thankful that God is in my life, that I have positive people, Godly people in my life. I can’t say that I have always been the best Christian (there are times that I am angry at all, that I yell out at God, that I don’t do what I am supposed to do, that I tell God that He has lost His mind) but I have strived to be on the path that God has given me. Through it all I have wondered how I could stay strong when the walls are crumbling down. What I have realized is that God’s strength is sufficient, it is enough, He knows what He is doing and He knows what I need. I have to rest in the fact that if I draw near to God He will in fact draw need to me. God never promises us that things will be easy and I can attest to that… not just in Zach’s situation but in friendships. He calls us to draw close to him, to mount up on wings like eagles so that we will not grow weary, that we won’t grow tired. Gosh have you ever been so tired that you can’t function to move or to do anything much less to think or to help someone else. God tells us that His grace is sufficient that his yoke is easy that it is light. One of the hardest things that I am going through now is that those that are supporting me the most, are ones that work fulltime jobs, are older, or are in other states (or better yet in different countries). It is hard to know what to do or say because we aren’t in charge of our life God is. Sometimes God calls us to Be Still and Know that He is God; this means that we are not to doubt Him and all of the things that He has set forth. It means don’t forget that He has plans to prosper us not to harm us.

I have learned several things that I am amazed about:

• China is 12 hours ahead of us

• That there is a free texting program that is available for the ipad but you can’t send pictures through it

• That a card is something that can be read and read and read over again. Sometimes it can even be carried with you because you need to read what is in it.

• That schedules can get hectic but it doesn’t change how important people are to you.

• True friends love you and hold you even if it doesn’t make sense.

• That Praise and Worship music can take the negative things in your life and help you focus on the positive.

• That you don’t have to tell everyone everything but that you are to tell what God has led you to tell.

• That sometimes jury duty can be a week long and be totally pointless for the person that has it but they are getting to bless someone else.

• That text messages no matter when they are received are a little way to let people know they matter.

Yes, I am still totally thankful for life and for God and for all the people that God has placed in my life.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011


I wanted to write a blog that poured my emotions out… the past few days those have been hard to read and to live through but in this case I need to say that I am thankful. I have so much to be thankful for.

I am thankful for my Husband… who else would be here with me and walk each step of the way, he is strong and amazing and wonderful. He is a Godly man and loves me deeply. I can’t imagine my life without him, he is my all and all and I feel so honored to be married to him. He is my king.

I am thankful for Aden… who is flexible, smart, wonderful and amazing. He is amazingly loving and loves to do all the things that he can do. He is wonderful.

I am thankful for My Moody Mom and Dad… I am honored that I have in-laws that I can call mom and dad. They love me and accept me like I am theirs and who have no issues accepting me as their daughter. They have gone the extra mile and they have been there for us and been so wonderful

I am thankful for my Aunt Caroline… who is even from the distance is loving me and holding me up in prayer and who is and has been here for me every step of the way. She has been willing to im me or text me to let me know that I am always in her prayers and thought. I can’t express my love for her and how much she means to me.

I am thankful for several friends… I am going to use initials because I didn’t ask anyone permission to do this. I am thankful for M who is wonderful and has reeled me back to God. Her spirit is sweet and there is no one I rather worship with to sing praises to God with her to the reminder that God has a plan and that He holds me in his hand. I am thankful for M who I thought when she moved from the area I thought that I would never talk to her again. Yet God brought her back in my life and I need her greatly. She has been a wonderful reminder that it is all for God’s glory and that I am to hold tight that I will get through this. It is hard but she has been here and I have felt her lift me up to God and even through the distance I know that she is praying. I am thankful for C, she is amazing and loving and caring, that no matter how much is going on in her life she has been here for me and I am thankful. I love her deeply. I am thankful for J who has allowed me to go off on her and to fuss at her, to be part of her amazing life, with her new baby, who helped me get my words back who I consider to me my family. I am thankful for B who no matter what we go through I love her and she means a ton to me. She holds a very important spot in my life and I hate when things aren’t going right. I am thankful for J, who even though she has had major things in her life still takes time to hug me and love on me. I am thankful for S who had been one that I can text and pour my heart out to her but she keeps private.

I have so much more to be thankful for but this is just a start!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011


I can’t be the only one that is going through all of this but yet I don’t have a clue on what I am supposed to be doing. I can’t be the only one that is feeling the way that I am but yet I am feeling very ashamed and very embarrassed, very isolated. I know that I don’t need to but I do. I know that there is nothing that I can do about a number of the situations that have occurred so why is it so hard to manage to move on. Why is it so hard to realize that I can’t do a thing about what is going on and that what I am feeling is okay to feel?
Grief is something that cannot be explained in one way…how one person does it might not be the way the next one does. Some people grieve some while the person is still alive, some people wait for months or even years to deal with it, some jump right in and begin to heal the sec the death occurs.

What I am learning is that people honestly don’t understand… they try, they are human though and they don’t’ always get it. I have learned that people honestly try but they aren’t always able to understand what is going on or why things bother you so much. I have a friend who is always okay to the outside world, once you break through that wall you find out that she hurts deeply and is striving each day to be the best that she can be but feels like she is failing horribly, The I have another friend who honestly opens up to everyone and lets them know what she is feeling that she is mad, unable to cope, upset, want to be gone. Which one is right? Which one is the way we should be? I honestly don’t know. All I know is that I am neither one of them. I am a third way all together mostly because I am so up and down it is crazy. I seem to be on this rollercoaster of emotions that I cannot get off of.

God is holding me and He is moving me towards what He wants me to be but on the way there He is molding me and it hurts, it is difficult. I have had a hard time knowing that this is all for a reason. However, I know that God is sufficient; He is all that I need. I know that He is all that I need. I know that I have family and friends that love on me even when I feel unlovable. I know that I will make it through. The up and downs of emotions though are HORRIBLE and misunderstood.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Information: Depression and Anxiety

Many times I sit here and I wonder how much I should tell and how much I should keep in myself… this morning is one of them. Yesterday I hit the worse headache that I have had in a long long time. It literally had me down for the count. I couldn’t do anything, this morning I am still having a hard time but I am hanging in.

I have been trying to figure out what to type and I thought this is Moody Tales, and I have been quite moody lately. With emotions being so up and down, with not knowing what to say and who to say it to, when to be okay with things and when to speak up and say it isn’t okay. So I keep thinking what do I want people to get out of this blog, mostly I want people to realize that it is okay to be honest, real, transparent, and whatever emotion is going on.

I would love to talk about depression and anxiety. I have learned that many people understand 1 of them but they don’t understand the other even more apparent is that having them both is so misunderstood. So I wanted to tell you a bit about what I have learned.

1st both of these conditions are ones that can bring a ton of emotions, the person effected can feel quite ashamed or have a ton of emotions behind letting others know that they are being effected by depression or anxiety. Many people feel like Christians in particular can’t have them, or both of them, most feel if you pray enough, believed enough or trusted God enough that you won’t have them. Well, that simply isn’t the case, many Christians, even strong Christians have been affected by one or both at some point in their lives.

So Here is Jen, just a normal person telling you about the two things that are effecting me that I want to keep hidden but that God is telling me to tell, to share because I am NOT the only one dealing with these things.

These two excepts are taken from a website (Mayo clinic):

Depression is a serious medical illness that involves the brain. It's more than just a feeling of being "down in the dumps" or "blue" for a few days. If you are one of the more than 20 million people in the United States who have depression, the feelings do not go away. They persist and interfere with your everyday life. Symptoms can include

• Sadness

• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities you used to enjoy

• Change in weight

• Difficulty sleeping or oversleeping

• Energy loss

• Feelings of worthlessness

• Thoughts of death or suicide

Anxiety is a normal part of life. It can even be useful when it alerts us to danger. But for some people, anxiety is a persistent problem that interferes with daily activities such as work, school or sleep. This type of anxiety can disrupt relationships and enjoyment of life, and over time it can lead to health concerns and other problems.

In some cases, anxiety is a diagnosable mental health condition that requires treatment. Generalized anxiety disorder, for example, is characterized by persistent worry about major or minor concerns. Other anxiety disorders — such as panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) — have more specific triggers and symptoms. In some cases, anxiety is caused by a medical condition that needs treatment.

Whatever form of anxiety you have, medications, counseling or lifestyle changes can generally help.Common anxiety symptoms include:

• Feeling apprehensive

• Feeling powerless

• Having a sense of impending danger, panic or doom

• Having an increased heart rate

• Breathing rapidly (hyperventilation)

• Sweating

• Trembling

• Feeling weak or fatigued

Specific anxiety disorders are broken down into several diagnosable mental health conditions:

• Panic attacks can start suddenly and cause apprehension, fear or terror. You may have feelings of impending doom, shortness of breath, heart palpitations or chest pain. You may feel as if you're choking, being smothered or that you're "going crazy."

• Agoraphobia is anxiety about, or avoidance of, places or situations where you might feel trapped or embarrassed to leave if you start to feel panicky.

• Specific phobias are characterized by significant anxiety when you're exposed to a specific object or situation and a desire to avoid it. Phobias provoke panic attacks in some people.

• Social phobias are characterized by significant anxiety provoked by exposure to certain types of social or performance situations and a desire to avoid them.

• Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is characterized by persistent, recurring thoughts, images or impulses (obsessions) or an irresistible desire to perform irrational or seemingly purposeless acts or rituals (compulsions). Often it involves both obsessive and compulsive behavior.

• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is characterized by the feeling that you are re-experiencing an extremely traumatic event. It causes intense emotions and physical reactions along with a desire to avoid anything that might remind you of the event.

• Acute stress disorder is characterized by symptoms similar to those of post-traumatic stress disorder that occur immediately after an extremely traumatic event.

• Generalized anxiety disorder is characterized by at least six months of persistent and excessive anxiety and worry about small or large concerns. This type of anxiety disorder often begins at an early age. It frequently occurs along with other anxiety disorders or depression.

• Anxiety disorder due to a medical condition is characterized by prominent symptoms of anxiety that are directly caused by a physical health problem.

• Substance-induced anxiety disorder is characterized by prominent symptoms of anxiety that are a direct result of abusing drugs, taking medications or being exposed to a toxic substance.

• Separation anxiety disorder is a childhood disorder characterized by anxiety related to separation from parents or others who have parental roles.

• Anxiety disorder not otherwise specified is a term for prominent anxiety or phobias that do not meet the exact criteria for any of the other anxiety disorders but are significant enough to be distressing and disruptive.

So yes, a ton of information but why am I writing this… 1. You are not alone 2. Please be willing to get help, there is help. There are people that will be able to help you 3. If you need someone to help you get help, let someone help you, I am sure that you have friends that will walk with you, go with you, pray with you, be there for you.  I will be willing to go with you 4. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed.

Now I struggle with not feeling embarrassed or ashamed, mostly because I suffer from severe depression and anxiety right now. While people might look and say I have every right to have them I feel like I am failing. It is something that I knew depression was hard to deal with, I could imagine that anxiety was bad however, I can tell you know that having both of them are HORRIBLE, they can feed off of each other and they are things that sometimes you can’t control and can’t make better.

Please feel free to contact me if you need to talk or know something.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Birthday Number 3…

So to round out this week is birthday number 3… this would be Aden. Aden today turned 6… how did it just happen that I have a 6 year old on earth and a 4 year old in heaven, when did they get so Big.

I have to say that I was a tad nervous because of last year’s party but I can say we are blessed with amazing and wonderful friends. Everyone seemed to come together to bless all of us…. Friends from out of town and friends that are close to us. It was a huge hit to be at the park for them to run and play.

Aden was blessed with lots of legos, transformers and things that will entertain him for hours… YAY!!!!!!! I was blessed with converstation and hugs

I have many many more things to say but I have to say but I am so exhausted so I will try to right more later.