Oh my where did time go, this week is flying by…. Aden started school on Monday. He loves going but it is obvious that he is getting more and more tired as his week is going on. We are striving to get routine in our lives again. I am being amazed that staying at home is my normal now and going out is the oddity. Sometime that hasn’t occurred in years. In saying this I have friends that are going through things that I can’t even imagine and yet they are still smiling, oh how I strive to do that. I know that we are all weak and all our hardest critics but honestly I am learning so much right now from those that God has put into my life.
I am learning that it is okay to be not okay (yes I have to remind myself of this daily, sometimes hourly), that I am not a failure (although things aren’t working out the way that I think that they should), that I am not incapable (it isn’t about what I can’t do it is about what I do get done, no matter how small the world thinks it is), and I am not alone (although words might fail me and emotions are so up and down). I have learned that I am simply and completely overwhelmed. Can you relate? To which emotions, honestly, think about it.
I have been told this several times this week by different people so I am going to share it here…. God designed us to rely on Him. In doing this He also designed us to need him, this means for everything not just the little things and not just the big things but for EVERYTHING. When he designed us, He also told us that we are never alone, that He will never leave nor forsake us. He designed us to go through the trials and hard times for reasons that we may not ever no, but we will not drown, if we keep our eyes on God, if we allow Him to help us then we will not drown. We will make it through, not in our timing but in God’s timing. Why is His timing important to remember? Because if it was our timing we wouldn’t need help, we wouldn’t suffer, bad things wouldn’t happen because we could simply alter time. God tells us that we can be pressed but not crushed. As many times as I had read that I totally didn’t understand that. We simply have to trust that God is in control and that just like the waves come and go and some are large and some are small, problems and situations will too. However, they are never going to crush us.
Many don’t know this but I have had a huge problem communicating… I can get some things down written but when it comes to verbal beyond the normal small talk I haven’t been able to put words together for anyone. It has been frustrating and hard, sometimes it has made me totally break down to want to talk to want to tell someone that you are hurting and not be able to say a word to let them know. To know that you need someone to know that you need a hug that you are hurting, that you just want to curl up and take a break from all the expectations that you feel are on you. I have been trying to talk to those that I trust that I knew that if I couldn’t that they would just hold me and reassure me that it was okay
I have someone that has been in my life for a long time; she was and is a God given gift to me. I met her through her job and she has stayed in contact with me and has because a faux mom to me. . I got a visit from her recently and after I told her that I am okay, she looked at me and told me “well it looks like you are about to break down”. We sat in my living room floor and chatted, some small talk but then she started asking some questions and I talked to her. I actually really talked to her. She has been one that I have talked to late, who has shown up when I needed her. For now I am thankful, really really really thankful that she cares enough and dare I venture to say loves me to enough to put herself in a role that no one can fill again, but God has placed her in that role. I feel honored that she cares enough to say things that she knows are going to upset me, because I need to hear it. I am thankful that she is walking this journey with me.
I have another friend as well; someone that I have known for a long long time and God has just now brought us together into a deeper relationship. The closeness that we have is amazing and I have been able to talk to her and I know that she is here with me. She has been at my house at 5am, she has texted me at all hours, she has brought me diet coke. She is so amazing and a God given gift. Why is this amazing? I can tell you because we have known each other and we were friends before Zach’s illness but while Zach got sicker at the end, God gave me her in a much deeper and important role. She is now one of a handful that I trust, that I know that she cares enough to push me and to love on me. To not talk to her is hard, not texting her all day long is hard, I miss the laugh and love. I couldn’t do this without her. I truly love and care about her and her family.
God will not allow us to be alone, He will not allow us to be crushed, and while we may feel overwhelmed we are never alone.