Tuesday, January 31, 2012


What does the word BRAVE mean? It is one of those words that we throw around and say all the time but I don’t think that we truly know what it means.  I was recently told that I was brave and it made me wonder.  According to this definition being brave is something that can be in a variety of ways.  Being brave is possessing or exhibiting courage or a courageous endurance. 

  When I think of brave I think of Zachary… all the testing and how scary it probably was for him, I think of all the pain that he endured and how he was able to smile and move on like it was just part of the gift that he was given.  I think of Zachary being able to be BRAVE and tell us that he was going to go home to Heaven and see Jesus.  How brave was Zach to love on all of us when he was hurting so badly? How brave he was to act like all is okay and that he was fine even when hurting? How brave he was to smile at everyone? How brave was Zach to go to and sit nicely at a table at a restaurant knowing that he couldn’t have any of it that one sip or one taste would hurt him? How brave was he to go and have his daddy time and to do events with us as a family knowing his little body was going to hurt more late.  That is being brave.

When I think of brave I think of Aden… all the flexibility and the unknowing that he went through.  I think of how brave he was to love on me and his daddy when our hearts were broken.  How brave he must be to keep going like things are okay, when his world has been turned upside down.  How brave it is to not know if he was going to be with mom or dad that night or if he was even going to get to come home.  How brave was he to learn what he could eat and not eat so he would be more safe while at others houses?  How brave he is to be willing to go and see his brother knowing that his brother is going to go to heaven? How brave he was to climb up in his bed and tell Zach that it is okay to go be with God? To crawl up in the bed with him after zach died to tell him that one last time that he loved him.  That is being brave.

When I think of brave I think of Adam… all the things that he had to do that caused him to trust me to take care of Aden and Zach.  Him being brave enough to work to provide for us.  Him being brave enough to go talk to his bosses to say that he made a mistake even though he knew that it might cause him his job.  How brave was he to know that he was going to have to go to work and miss surgeries of his son? How brave was he to take time off to spend with us as a family before it was too late? How brave was he to stand and walk with me down the aisle of the same place that we got married to listen to our pastor say goodbye to Zach?   That is being brave

When I think of brave I think of those friends who didn’t know what to say or do but stuck around anyway.  I think of those friends that have been through hurts as well but are honest enough to fill me in on all the details that I don’t know, reliving some of that pain so I will know what to pray for.  How brave is it to listen to hurt and complaining knowing that you can’t help? How brave it is to be there to hold on and to love on those that need it even if you don’t understand.  I think of those that are willing to put themselves aside to love on and to help others.  I think of those that repeatedly ask to help when they know that the person is too scared to say that they need it.  I think of those that need others and are willing to admit that they do.  I think of those that are willing to be transparent, wonderful, loving and hopeful even when life seems harsh.   That is brave.
I don't see me as being brave, I see me being surrounded by amazing people

Monday, January 30, 2012

My heart has had some pretty hard hits lately, I know that there are things that go on that I totally can't Cope with, I have to say though I am blessed with some huge blessings. People that I spewed info to, one that hugged on me when I needed it the most, one that wouldn't let my simple canned answer be enough. My heart is heavy with all that is going in, trying to e the best wife, mother and friend, unsure as to how it will all work out.

I am thankful that God is always here! That His plan is perfect, the waiting is hard. not understanding is hard. Knowing you want to do something but can't get close enough to the person yet to do it, is hard but knowing that the hug to is reassure me. To feel as if God has reach down and told me, It is ok, hang tight, that God has me tight in His hand

Saturday, January 28, 2012

a look back

November 1st, Aden and I started a new adventure.  Aden started a private school and I started working at the school working in a young class.  Aden needed a different environment, he needed to be somewhere that would love on him and a place that would allow him to grieve and process something that no child should have to go through.  We also needed somewhere that would be able to work with him and develop the strengths that he already had and help him be the amazing little boy that he is.  A place that would listen to our wishes and help support the things that were occurring in our family.   We were also praying about putting him in a place that would also pour the foundations of God in his mind and heart.  A place that he would be able to go to chapel and learn the things that he might need to be well rounded in his faith to help support the things that we were teaching him at home and that he was hearing at church. 
In November Aden because the newest member of his kindergarten class, it now consists of 2 boys and 4 girls.  He is surrounded by love and by people that will take the time to support him.  They unfortunately have dealt with death and grief and so they have been a huge blessing to Aden.  He has been able to be focused on and allowed to move at a faster pace than he was in public school.  He has also surprised MaMaw and PaPaw by being able to tell them a complete Bible story from start to finish.  He is learning not only the bible stories but he is also learning verses.  He is able to eat lunches there and to have a social aspect that he couldn’t at the other school, they watch out for the things that he can’t eat because of allergies.  They have loved on him through his medical issues and haven’t made fun of him or pointed him our as being different.  He loves going to school know and loves the people that he sees and interacts with daily. 

In November I started helping one of the younger classes and involving myself back in the gift that God has given me which is dealing with young children and helping those that need extra support.  I have enjoyed being able to love them and being involved in things that are going on.  I have had the chance to love on some that need extra love on bad days and I have been loved on more on the days that I need more loving as well.  I have started to develop friendships and understand what it means like to have people that are willing to pray for you and willing to help you walk daily.  I am also being allowed to use the gift that Zach helped me develop even more and deal with students that might need some extra help.  This is something that I haven’t done for others since I had Zach; I poured it all into him.  Now 7 months later, God told me that it was time to step up and start again.  I am honored to be in a place that will allow me to love on and help develop the students that are there.

Why is this in the blog today??? Good question the reason is, God has blessed me with a gift, a talent.  I don’t see it but I know from others that it is there, I see it as just something that I love to do.  God has allowed me to start new with something that I never thought that I would, which is working in a school and helping the students that might need extra help, and I love it.  I have to admit though I have been struggling with letting God work through me, I didn’t understand it all, I didn’t understand how God was choosing to use me when I was so emotional and so hurt by all that has occurred in the last 7 months, but now that I am stepping up and stepping out doing what God wants me to do I can see the happiness coming back.  Striving to find out what my purpose is, to figure out why I am here and why I have been through all I am.  God however, is showing me that He has us in his hands, while Aden might have had a rough start to the school year; he is now exactly where he needs to be.  While I might struggle with all the emotions and overwhelmness of things, I am right where I need to be with the wonderful loving ladies that have pulled up beside me and allowed me to be me.  God is revealing His plan little by little but He has called me to walk by Faith, that hasn’t been easy but I am happy to say that I am now stepping out on that path that He has blessed me with.  HONORED and humbled!!!

Friday, January 27, 2012

a few days...

It has been a few days since I posted and I have to admit it was kinda on purpose, I have had some things that I needed to deal with and handle and pray about so I could be truly okay with some it all.

Throughout the years God has been with us without a doubt, however, recently I felt like I was being punished and having a hard time with it.  I knew I wasn’t but really with all that was going on I had forgotten that I am Gods daughter.  Why is this important? How much do you love your child, children? I love mine and I would do anything in my power to make everything okay and to keep them from harm.  God loves us even more. 

God has placed some very important people in my life and each one has done a totally different role and while I have been nervous and even scared to embark on it, it was something that I needed to do.  God has called me to trust Him and trust others and to be more transparent.  Now, not everyone needs to know everything but no one can help if they don’t know what to pray for or what needs to be done.  So I asked God simply “WHO?” and surprise God took all the doubt out by naming who.  Not only did God tell me who but He told me that He would be with me to give me the words that I needed to say. 

I started on this journey this week.. Trying to talk, well verbal still sucks but texting is fabulous.  Why am I telling you this?  It is so hard in the midst of our troubles to know that we aren’t alone.  We are never alone and no matter how much we think that people don’t care.  They do care and they want to help.  They need to know what… I hate telling people that we need blank, trust me I get it but I have realized that there are needs that others can help with and I need to allow God to work however, He desires to be all that we need and desire.  I am the one people come to and I rather it be that way.  However, God designed us to cling to HIM during all of the struggles and the daily things that come our way.  He does however, give us people on our paths that will help us and love on us.  I am thankful for the new ones that I have, how wonderful and peaceful it has been since letting God work and listening to Him.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012


Someone asked what they can do for us.... I can't remember who it was or what we were talking about.  If you are the one that asked me can you post a comment or email me

Monday, January 23, 2012


Well I'm an emotional person, I struggle with them. I hurt when others hurt and I feel good when others feel good. I have also learned that in being emotional it is very hard to deal with all of the things that get thrown your way. It is like you know what you should do however, your mind And heart disagree.

This is where I am at this moment, I know what I should be doing, I know how everyone thinks I should be doing, I know however the things that are bubbling up things are kinda crazy. Everyone has things that effect them in ways that people don't understand. The emotions that bubble up when you least expect them too.

So what emotions are there:

See some good and some bad, some hurtful some not, some that you may understand some you make shake your head at. What happens when they all happen at once though? What happens when you walk into a place you feel safe and loved and before you can make it to the doors you start to bawl? Do you just let the tears come and let everyone see or do you feel like you have to quickly stop and hide all of the emotions? When you have a friend that keeps talking about pain or hurt do you listen or do you shut them down saying they are okay? Do you tell themthat thy just dont want to see the good or that they just want to hurt? Do you tell them that they arent listening to God or that they are not reading their Bible enough? What happens if they need to just say it and deal with the words of all that has been happening but everyone just keeps telling them they are okay so they start to feel like they aren't doing things okay and are feeling like they are wrong for hurting because no one seems to care that they are really hunting? What happens if they just need to know that they are not alone? What happens if they just need people to be okay with them talking because they aren't telling the world just those that are safe? What if you are the ONLY one they are talking to? What if it took them days to get up the courage to say something and then they are met with being told that they are okay or any of those comments?

Emotions are real, you may not understand them but they are there, they effect everything you feel and do. This is a rainy horribly yucky Monday and I am reminded it is all going to be okay, the emotions I have are real and will need to be worked through but I am okay. I am reminding myself that I am worth it and I will be okay

Thursday, January 19, 2012

A confession

There is this story in Luke 8 that talks about a woman who was facing a personal issue and was considered to be unclean, something that was personal and beyond her control, that had been going on for years. One day when Jesus came through she got the courage and went out to see if she could just touch his hem of his garment. She didn't want to bother she didn't want to make a big huge scene but she wanted to touch his clothes to be close enough to suck in all of the goodness that Jesus had. To be in the prescence of God. She did in fact touch Jesus and instantly she was healed, Jesus knew and called asking who had touched him. He called out to her out and told her, by your faith you are healed.

In today's age, I will be honest I never understood that story, we are far more accepting of things and not only that but medicine is much better so I always just took it as our faith helps us. Last night however, I had an exprience that I think I realize the desperation and the desire that this women might have had.

There is a woman at my church, she is older than me, she isn't old enough to have lost her husband but her husband was called to be with God. She is farther in her grief journey than I am and has really pulled up beside me, while different situations it has been nice. She has been the one to encourage me to go to griefshare, to cont. to try to make it through it all, now she is not the only one but I know that her grief is so real and new to her as well. She has made sure that I know that I am not crazy or that we might be crazy together but tht I am not alone in what I am feeling. She has been free to text and message allowing me to try to be transparent with some of the emotions that the world doesnt understwnd. I think to I look to her not only because she is older than I am but because she is farther in her faith that I am as well.

Anyway, last night we had a fellowship at church and we sat one table over from this wonderful lady. All night I couldn't help but think about how good she looked, how radiant she looked, how joyous she was, how happy. It was like I could almost see it oozing off of her, now it wasn't but I could see how God is healing her heart. I thought to myself, I want to be like that again. I want to be happy, I want to ooze joy and goodness. I wondered if i would ever make it to that point, to just be happy in the moment no matter what. I started to think that maybe if I moved tables, if I could sit with her maybe it would rub off on me. Maybe I could have some of that. I wondered what people saw when they looked at me if the saw joy or if they saw a black cloud. I wondered if I could steal just a drop of her personality and attitude just to try to make it through some of the things that are so heavy on my heart. I thought just an ounce, just a drop actually and that would be good. If I could get a hug and that would rub off on me, it would be fabulous. Joy, peace, raidance, contentment, glowing ... I was just in awe

I suddenly realize what that biblical woman must have felt, so desperate for God to show up knowing that if she could reach out, it would heal/help her.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

A letter

Well I have started the 2nd session of Griefshare, I'm not sure if I am in a different place now than I was during the 1st session, if God is working differently or if I am just listening differently. We are two weeks into it and they suggested doing something and I thought of it for this blog.

There is something called a Grief Letter, this is something that kinda explains what is going on and how you are doing. It is designed to be mailed and sent but I thought that I had so many read this blog that here was where I needed to start it. so bare with me I am on the iPad typing this and so it might not be perfect but I pray that you get the point.

Dear Family, Friends and all those that walking with us,

In June of 2011, my husband and I suffered a devastating loss. It will take months and possibly years for us to recover from this loss. I will be devastated at times this means I will cry, I will get upset, I sometimes have uncontrollable times of tears. I don't apologize for my tears, I am sorry if they make you uncomfortable but they are part of my life now. There are times when I will be angry not with people but just with life in itself. I know that they will not make sense at times but it is very real to me. Please don't tell me to get over it, deal with it, or tell me that it isnt that bad because in my heart it is real. There will be times that I wont now how to function and where all my emotions are haywire.

What do I need from you? Well I am not sure but the first thing is I need you to bare with me, know that the hurts and emotions are temporary while it may be a while I am working on them. I know God can use them and even more importantly I know that God can heal. Please know that as Much as I am trying not to isolate, it does happen. Sometimes my heart and mind have a hard time dealing and the pain is so real I pull away. My words in person, the ability to talk falters and so I pull away. I don't want to be fake so sometimes in my head this makes more sense to go away.

Please pray for me, love on me and know that I appreciate it. If you are one that hugs, please give me hugs, they reassure me that I am not broken. If you knew zach, have memories of zach, love zach please continue to talk about him. Please don't be afraid... He is my precious little boy and always will be. It would truly suck to know or think that zach has been forgotten.

Please know that I didn't loose zach... I know exactly where zach is. He is in heaven, he is blessed enough to be in the presence of God, healed and physically perfect. While I miss him, long for his touch, his smile and his love there is nothing that would make me want him to come back and endure the pain that he had during his short life. He was so strong and my prayer is that I can be half as strong as he was.

Please know that as events happen, the negiative ones compound. if you have never heard this, this is what I mean. When you are emotionally tired, drained, even the little things upset you. Well zach's death isn't a little thing it is huge so when the little things come it easily can cause me to totally shut down and breakdown. Little things can seem petty to others but they are very real, little things that seemingly don't matter an be huge. Knowing that other people don't get it, don't understand or can't see it sometimes makes it even harder for me. If I could simply get over it, trust me, I would.

Please know that I don't doubt God! I have complete faith in Him. I do doubt how everything is going to work together and why the pain has to be so real and so vast. I wish that I could crawl up in God lap and be cuddled by the king. However, I do not doubt God.

Please know that if you pray for us we are thankful. Hearing that someone is praying for us has been the reason why I have made it this far. Knowing that we aren't physically alone is worth more than I can express.

Please share your good things and you bad too.... We aren't the only ones hurting and I need to know that, I need to be able to pray for things and rejoice in all of the good things too. If there is something that emotionally I can't do, I might be upset with myself for a moment but then I will remember God is always there and for now my role is something different. I have enjoyed getting to be at a baby shower, at a birth and getting to hold a baby. Yes it was hard but to not get to be part of that (after 20years would have been worse). All this to say your things still matter greatly to us, we know the world didn't end and we want to be part of it.

Please know that if you felt led to do something, we will not be offended, there are things that have caught us off guard but because they are needs that we haven't shared and yet God provided them. Yes even 7 months into this journey there are things that we don't expect and haven't thought about and things that we need to make it better.

This loss and all the things tht we went through are very very painful, it sometimes feels like nothing Is going right but I know this is for a season and that things will get better. I will survive and will be stronger for all of this. Thank you for reading this and if you need to talk more or want to contact me I am always here. I am thankful for you caring enough to be here with us.

Monday, January 16, 2012


I am thankful that God loves me, I am thankful that He sends signs to let me know that things are going to be okay.  Last night as I was drifting off to sleep I started to worry about the little things, I know better, I know that I can't do anything by worrying but there were things that kept coming up to the surface.  This morning I helped Adam get off to his meetings and I started to think of all the things that we need to do.  I took out trash, did dishes, did all of the things that I could get started. 

I have learned that I am not one that easily says that what I need or when I need help.  I have learned that if someones wants to bless us that I accept it graciously.  I have a hard time opening my mouth and admitting when my heart is hurting and when I might need help.  This is one thing that I am thankful that God doesn't depend on me to have all the answers.

I am thankful that God blesses me no matter what... I am thankful for family that loves on me and that helps us when we need it, willing to watch Aden and that I love to be with and to travel with.  I am thankful for having a wonderful husband who will do everything that he can to provide for us.  I am honored to be married and to truely LOVE my husband.  I am thankful for friends... those friends that I have had for a long time and for those that I am just getting to know.  For the ones that have gotten married and had little ones, ones that are willing to share the little ones with me.  I love them... JP, I love you today and always!!! I am thankful we are close again and that I get to share your little elf, he is precious and so perfect.  I am thankful for the friends that are willing to share with me when I have questions that don't have answers.  The ones that know who I am but don't get mad when I doubt certain things.  In this case I am thankful that we had people who bless us with items, with the little things.

Remember those little things that I was worrying about last night before I went to sleep, the ones that I knew I shouldn't have worried about but I was... God blessed us with some things that took care of those little things.   Like God always done, He takes care of those who are His.  I am honored that God cares about all things even the little things

Saturday, January 14, 2012

How does that happen?

Every now and then I do something and I forget what all has happened in the past 6 almost 7 months…. Today was one of those days.  Adam, Aden and I went out to breakfast a treat for all of us but also some time for us to sit and chat and to remind each other that everything no matter how hard it may seem is okay.  When we got home Adam was studying for his masters’ class, Aden was playing a video game on the Wii and me, and well I was sitting at the computer talking to some of my favorite people.  I got up and went to the bathroom and it happened. 

I forgot that Zach was in Heaven, Aden’s bedroom door was pulled almost closed, Zach and him used to share a room.  The house was in quiet mode, something that we haven’t had to do in almost 7 months, you know that mode where everyone is doing something but trying to remain quiet so we don’t wake or disturb Zach.  While washing my hands I wondered which medication was next and if it was time for me to do a med into his line and if so where the hand sanitizer was.  I opened the door walked to Aden’s room and quietly opened the door, REALITY hit me hard.  Zach wasn’t there, his bed wasn’t there, and time has moved on, Zach is in heaven.

How do you forget? What a horrible feeling as a mom to realize that for about 5 minutes I thought that Zach was still here, not horrible because I wanted to see him but horrible in the amount of pain that it caused.  The pain is real and the heartache is unbearable at times.  This is an experience that you can’t explain and that to the outside the world makes no sense… 8 months ago if I heard this I would have wondered about the psychological state of the person telling me but now I can say grief changes your life.  My life changed when I had a child who was sick, a child with mito, but it changed again forever when he died.  I have a ton of experiences I would have never have had, I love more now than I did before, I care more now about things that people don’t always get.  I am now learning the pain of grief, of not being able to love on, hold, talk to, or take care of your child can hit you in the oddest ways at the times that you least expect it.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Word part 2

So many people understood the beach story that I am going to try to eleborate on it a tad.

So on a beach you have the water or the ocean and you have the shore. Most people have a favorite of what they do but many people sit on the beach. They play and do other things to pass time and relax, reading, tanning, talking to name a few. They only look up on occasion to glance over the water.

Sometimes if you are sitting on shore when of glance up you notice the waves, they an be big or choppy or they might just look different. Sometimes you notice a pelican dive bombing into the water to catch a fish or sometimes you notice the sun and how is reflecting on the clouds or if it is gone. You notice the people playing in the water, but you only see their heads or part of them.

If you are sitting on the beach and you are making a sand castle then you are aware of the waves, see the waves move the sand and they destroy what you have built on occasions. Sometimes you have to start totally over, sometimes you have a little of the castle left and sometimes you have a person who just gtd do frustrated they stop and give up, throwing the shovel and pail to go to another activity.

If you are in the water you don't aways see where the undertow is taking you, you may wind up hundreds of yards away from your stuff. You don't realize how bright the sun is and how you might be getting sunburnt. You don't even notice the people around you possibly, you were caught up with the people you are with doing the things that you are doing.

Okay so why am I telling you this... Yesterday was a good day at the beach, it was pretty and calm and enjoyable. The waves came but the were mild and they didn't effect the emotions of the day. The pain was there but it was overshadowed by joy. I felt the best that I have felt in about two weeks. The waves came without noticing it they became rough and more painful, till I noticed that I was far away from where I needed to be hurting and all alone in the water. I was strong enough to realize those emotions don't have to win and I came to shore to find out the the tide was up an the water has swept away my things. I could look up and see the good... People that care and love tht is there but so tired from the emotions that I just gave up and laid down, crying and praying. For me I start to doubt what I should be doing and if I have a reason to be here. I start to doubt if I make a difference, if I am a good mom, if I am a good wife. Waves and waves and waves of emotions

So this morning I am sitting on the beach clinging to the shore where the waves are gentle in hopes that I can be okay, that I can make a difference and realize I am not alone.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012


Well there isn't much I can say at this moment... Greiving is like the waves of the ocean. They come and go, sometimes they are huge and powerful and other times the waves are soft and shallow. There are times though when those waves are unexpectly powerful and deep. The people on the shores, your family and friends, can't see how powerfully strong they are. They see that the waves are gentle and all is good. They can't feel the undertow of the currents and they can't tell that the ground is soggy and muddy, gross to stand on but also slippery and takes everything out of you to stand upright.

Same is true with life, often the circumstances that we are in flavor what we do or how feel about other things. Sometimes we need friends and family to love on us enough to gentle encourage us to move just a bit, to close our eyes for just a moment taking our focus off of the stuff that is there but to remind us we are still okay and not alone, that there is another voice which comes from outside our head which means we are not alone.

I have to say I am blessed... I know that I am not alone, I struggle with it all but I am not alone. I have friends and family that love me enough to bless me out. For those that dont know what that means that means that they love me enough to say things that could hurt and often do sting in order to help me move on. This week has been one of those weeks, I felt so negiative about everything and so upset beyond words that I could even put together. I had 3 people who let me fuss and complain to them. However after a while they stood up and said this isnt me talking.

See grieve and depression take over, it becomes where it is all you can see but it isn't the end. They were trying to remind me that i can't get so overwhelmed that i forget that I am loved. That there are things that I need to work on and improve on and say but that I am okay. I made it this far, God will not drop me now. That as the waves hit to look up, see the beautiful sunset and sky.

Friday, January 6, 2012

2 days

I have thought for 2 days on what to write about…
I mean some of the people that read this know me personally (like for years), some know me personally but only for a short time, some know me as an imaginary friend (you know the ones that live inside the computer that I talk to for hours but no one else can see), and some were passed my information because of my amazing son.  So I am left with “what do I say? How much is too much? How transparent do I want to be?” So I will warn you this posting is going to get a little deep but I have to write it.

You are never alone…NEVER.  There is nothing that you can go through that you are the only one, the problem is twofold though 1. Finding someone that has been through it and 2. Believing in your heart that it is okay to be going through the situation.  I guess there is a 3rd problem being bold enough to admit to a person about the situation (to be honest in the situation).  Now in saying this there isn’t another person that will understand 100% what you are going through, though similar situations they are never the same.  I had a friend this week, one that I have never ever met in real life ask me a question.  When she asked me I didn’t know, but I know that there is another person that I am friends with who felt the same way and told me about it.  However, I am trying to figure out if I can go back and ask her questions about it.  So back this question…It is one that I had never thought about, honestly and so I am going to write some about the things that I have been asked and told in hopes that you will know you aren’t alone.

My friend asked me as she typed from a hospital room, as we often have over the past 2 years, you always hear “if you are feeling like you are going to hurt yourself or that you want to kill yourself, please go get help” they always ask you when you check into the ICU “have you even had depression or been abused?” so what happens if you are wishing that God will come and take you from all the situations, what happens if you wish that you were in a fatal car accident, are you suicidal? Do you go and get help? Do you need help?  Well I will be honest, I have heard those things and been asked those questions, which I have a huge, huge problem with being in the middle of a medical crisis and having a person that you don’t know ask you if you have been abused or if you have ever been depressed, that isn’t exactly the time nor the place, but whatever.  But I have never thought about it, I mean I know that Jesus asked for the cup to be taken from Him, I have heard people say I don’t want to deal with this anymore just kill me.  However, I never thought about it in a serious moment.

I instantly thought back to a friend, who although I haven’t know her for a long time she is one that I know will check on me and has provided smiles to my family, We met for coffee (well for me diet coke) and a bagel.  I knew that she wanted to check on me, I knew she was scared that I wasn’t okay and that I was being the caretaker I am and I wasn’t telling because I wasn’t going to be a burden on anyone.  We started our conversation, I hope it is her anyway if not I am combining stories horribly, and it turned to her telling me that one day she was driving and that she thought about how she could drive her car off the road and that could be the end of it.  For her it was a thought that provoked getting help.  I was being told it is okay to need help. 

So being the friend I am I told the friend that typed me the question this… It is okay to need help, it is okay to ask for help, it is okay to not be okay (although I can attest this isn’t saying that it feels okay cause it doesn’t), it is okay to need to be loved and supported by those close to you, and it is okay to not be able to talk.  It doesn’t mean that she is less of a Believer, it doesn’t mean that she is less of a Christian, it doesn’t mean that she is any less of an amazing person, it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have enough faith.  That if she was seriously thinking that (like more that a frustrated min as I know her child is ill) that she needed to find a counselor or a psychologist that could help her sort through the thoughts.  She told me that she just needed to know that it is okay to feel overwhelmed and like she needed help and that she can’t ask at her church because depression is such a taboo topic.  I get that, I was told that I didn’t have enough faith and that is why Zach was sick and then I was also told that I didn’t have enough faith and didn’t pray enough and that is why Zach died.  I understand her fear, we are unmeaningly (is that a word) taught that if things aren’t okay then we are the problem, that we don’t believe enough, pray enough, have enough faith, or trust God enough.  I assured her that she was and is going to make it through and it isn’t a knock on her.

Yesterday I thought about this… we are separate by miles (opposite sides of the US) and yet I was the one that she felt comfortable with talking to.  I have several near me that I want to talk to by my heart is so guarded I am scared to pour out my heart to them.  Why??? We all have things that we need support on; work, jobs, families, extended families, children, illnesses, past experiences that hurt, and many more.  By me posting and talking about some of the rawness of the emotions that I have had with Zach it allowed her to feel like she could reach out and get help, it allowed her to know that there was someone that wouldn’t judge her but that would love on her, that if I was closer that I would wrap my arms around her and LOVE on her. 

So here is part of my 2012 goals, to be one of the ones that is used to let people know that it is okay to need help.  This means all kinds of help; asking for help for a task, emotional help, relationship help, spiritually help.  Please if you want to chat with me please do, most of yall know you can email or pm me and I will get back to you.  If you don’t know leave a comment and we will figure out how to touch base with each other again.  The other part of this goal is that I learn to reach out too.  See she reached out to me and it made me think, am I reaching out? Would I reach out if I needed it? Would I be honest? Do I have those that I would pour my whole heart to and be honest even if I thought that I would be judged for it?  I am going to be working on those relationships.

We don’t walk this life alone, we are never ever alone!   

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The little things

There are days when I just don’t know what I am supposed to do; I am still learning how to make everything run well and how to see the little things in life.  I have been told that it is because I am looking up at the big things and getting so wrapped up and so involved in the big things that I forget the little things.  So it got me to think about the little things, what are little things? …

The little things vary family to family actually person to person, for me the things are ones that people often overlook but that can make things a tad brighter, things that allow you to take a sec and know that everything is going to be okay, that to help you know all is good. 

Jen’s little things:

·        Diet Coke

·        Texts from friends

·        Not getting stopped at every red light

·        Eating dinner or any meal with my husband and family

·        Crushed ice

·        Singing loud with the radio, no matter if the notes are in tune or not.

·        Getting to talk to a friend

·        Watching Aden play in the ocean in December

·        Getting photographs of family

You see little things that no one will get why they are so important but they are, without these things life would be far less happy. 

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Day 3

Day 3 of 2012 and I am just getting to my blog, short answer of why.  I ran away… I got in the van with my family and left town.  Ok, so I will admit it was like a last minute decision that we were actually going to do it and then once there some mentioned the word beach.  Now for those that don’t know my family, you might not know that I have a 6year old boy, Aden, who should live at the BEACH, he loves the beach.

We decided that we would in fact take him to the beach and let him enjoy it…. Enjoy it he did.  I think that someone forgot to tell Aden that the water is cold in December because he got in and enjoyed it.  We walked on the beach, saw an amazing Christmas Beach tree, wrote in the sand and had a great time.  We missed Zach being there with us but we laughed, cried, and had a great time.  The beach is Aden’s ultimate place to be.

2012, I am not sure what is going to come out of it but I know that God isn’t done with us yet.  What is my hope?… my hope is that no one feels like they are walking through life alone, that the isolation that come with having a sick child or a child that has died will be wiped away, that I will be able to touch someone and help them when it appears that life is too hard for them.  My goal is to be a great mother, wife and family member.
2012 is going to be different for us… totally relying on God, being good friends, loving on those that need us to and allowing others to love on us