There are a million things that I can write about right now that can be in truth… how I am feeling? What is going on? How things are? However since this is my 1st Tuesday writing I want to be truthful, I want to be honest about Grief. I have learned that grief is that black topic that nobody wants to talk about; it is something that people hide or simply paint over with flowery words. When someone passes away we are supposed to deal with on our own, maybe a friend or two but overall it is something that is swept under the carpet and hidden.
Tons of research has been done on Grief, there are stages that most go through. Some go through them all, some go through one, some get stuck in one, some go through the stages in a different order, sometimes the person goes through a stage only to go back through it again later, and some don’t touch all of the stages but research has found that everybody hits at least one of these stages when you are grieving. During different parts of your life it may be bought back up in your life even if you have dealt with it.
SHOCK &DENIAL… you know just not a river that lives in Egypt but the if we ignore what happened long enough it never happened. Now we know this isn’t the case, we know that if someone passes away there is nothing that will bring that person back, however, the shock the pain of the situation can often take time to acknowledge and realize that it is there. Sometimes we even remove ourselves from the reality that it ever happened, driving a different way, stop talking to particular friends, change our clothes and our hair. Reality is the situation occurred and there is nothing we can do to change it. Sometimes this comes and goes; it can last for days or weeks, sometimes it can last years. It is a fog that we can’t explain. We are in shock that we have lost the person and all of the situations that have been occurring in our lives.
PAIN &GUILT.. Most people think that they understand this but I can tell you I never understood it till I was dealing with loosing Zach. I faced it in other situations but the pain and the guilt is so amazedly strong that I can’t explain it. I feel guilty that I can be with friends, laugh, play and be at home when Zachary isn’t here anymore. Both of these emotions are ones that I can’t describe. Sometimes the sense of relief is overwhelming. When you have a job, you go on vacation and you recoup, in this case I was only able to do this once my responsibility was taken from me, I feel guilty that I couldn’t fix him, protect him, or do all that I needed to keep him here.
ANGER & BARGAINING This is something that if you had asked me about yesterday I truthfully could have told you what I have learned but to actually understand it I missed the concept. However, I know can tell you that ANGER is real. I have never been so angry and not have that anger be focused or caused by a situation or a person. To be mad but not at a person is something that is so hard. It has been hard to be in this stage, it is easier for me because at least I don’t just have tears streaming down my face but it has been far harder to understand. Hard to understand the anger that is bubbling up that I don’t have a reason for. Some people want to know “why” but for me I don’t care why I just wish it didn’t happen. Some people say “I will do this if you bring him back or fix it”, for me I don’t care about that too, I just want to know that I did all that I did and the anger to go away.
DEPRESSION Every person you talk to has been touched by depression. It can be loneliness, feeling all alone when you are in the midst of a churchful of people. It can be reflection, replaying all of the things that you did with the person and longing to be with them. For me this has been a hard topic…. I have a friend that when asked how I am doing will answer, she just lost her son! Now why do I mention this because if you were to ask me how I am doing what is my answer? Seriously, have you tried it??? My answer is fine, okay, hanging… never more than that. It is hard to talk about having seconds where you can’t breathe because it is all overwhelming, it is hard to talk about being upset to the point that you don’t understand the purpose, it is hard to say that you miss your son and that you rather have him in your arms.
WORKING THROUGH IT… This is simply what it is… you take all the emotions, feelings, and situations and you work through them, you ask the hard questions, you do the hard things, you get upset at people that will take the blunt just so you can be honest and open with them. You are able to state from beginning to end that there is an issue that you are dealing with. I know for me my brain is in such a fog that some moments I can’t figure out how to breath much less the situation, working through the situation hasn’t even been close to my mind.
ACCEPTANCE &HOPE I am trying to learn what this one is, I have hope, I know that Zachary was blessed to be with Jesus and so I am okay with that, I am accepting of that but I am having a hard time realizing that Zach isn’t here. That I am not able to do all the things with him that I used to do. This is something that I think is going to take me a while to have that acceptance that it si all okay and the hope that it was all for a greater purpose.
I have been through some of these stages multiple times already, I have learned there isn’t a right way, and those that tell you there is a right way never have been through it. I have several stages that I wish I could avoid or that I wish no one can see but truth be told, I am just praying that God can use me and that through me, His light and His love can be shown.