One of the emotions that I feel right now, I know where I am and I know the daily things that I should be doing but it is like I forget, It is like I no longer know what the right way to do things is. I have heard several stories about feeling clouded and I get that, I know what it is like to be doing something only to realize that you have been doing something different all along.
Lost, I used to think that it was just a location thing. Oh I am lost, meaning I have no idea where I am at. I know now that lost can be a feeling that is overwhelming and powerful, it can change what you do and change who you are. Sometimes with being lost you don’t realize what you should be doing or you feel like you are doing the wrong thing. It is something that can be quite embarrassing. I mean think about it for some amount of time you had a normal and then you all of a sudden feel like you don’t know what normal is, who you are, what you should do, or if it was/is all worth it. You feel lost.
I used to think that this word meant an anger that made you irritated beyond mentally dealing with it… I have no idea if that makes sense. In other words, I thought that you were bitter if you we so angry that you where changed by that anger. Now I have learned that bitterness is something far different, yes it can be my old definition to but in this case I have learned that bitterness is that emotion that you have when you look at someone and are upset at them because they have or can do something. So using me, if I looked at a friend of mine who had children and I got upset and angry because she has 3 boys and I lost one of mine. If I get mad because I can’t do something but someone else can that is a form of bitterness.
Now why do I tell you these things… It is simple.. They creep up into your life. They come in and they change you and they aren’t a good thing. We all have things that we struggle with and I haven’t dealt with the bitterness as much but the Lost I have. I know that I have felt totally incapable because what I knew was gone. It isn’t just about Zach it is about everything. Aden just started kindergarten and it is a new normal. Having a school age child who is growing up is a big deal. I have never done it before and I don’t know what the right answers are or what the right things to do are