There are things that happen that I can’t explain how badly they hurt. It is like something that I can describe, yesterday I got in the mail 2 letters, not just 1 but 2 letters, saying that Zachary was supposed to come in and be seen by those doctors. Well 6 months ago when Zach saw them Zach was okay. They didn’t know that Zachary had passed away. Now I am not upset that I got the letters in the least bit, I know that they didn’t know. I did think that they had been told but that is okay. What is upsetting is how much things change. It is also upsetting that it takes very little to really upset me, just think about it when your heart is upset or healing it doesn’t take much to knock you down again.
So these letters crushed me they took me back to where I was before Zach’s death, lots and lots of doctors. It made me think how much life has changed for Aden as well. He shared a room with Zachary. He changed his life for Zach, now before you think; well they all change when they have a sibling. Let me assure you Aden paid the price more than normal… Aden had his life basically put on hold. I know that last year Aden wasn’t invited to birthday parties because of Zach and I know that he wasn’t invited to play dates because parents were scared that they would have their children get sick. I know that he was sent to different people’s houses because of Zach being in the hospital, I know that he had to be extremely flexible never knowing if the plans were being changed. What I don’t know is? How to help him? How does a 5.5 year old express that he hurts? If he is hurting even an ounce of what I am hurting then he is hurting badly. Step by step, we will get through this. He is loves his brother and remember him, I pray that never changes. I am honored that he will talk to us about Zachary and he knows that it is okay to love him and miss him.
Each step for a reason… no matter how hard each step is for a reason and something that we may never understand. What I am learning now is that it is okay to hurt, it is okay to need people, it is okay to not have things together, and it is simply okay to be struggling. I am not alone and that I have people who are thinking and praying for me (us) all the time.