Friday, September 16, 2011

Out on a limb…

Okay so I am not sure how to write this but I think that I am not the only one dealing with this problem, so since God has called me to be honest and transparent I am going to write (hopefully it will make sense) about it here. I just hope I am not the only one that is dealing with it. I hope that this makes sense and that whatever is meant to come out of it does.

Because of all the things that have gone on and are going on I have been battling depression, grief, and anxiety. With these things are feelings and emotions that I can’t explain or share because the words just aren’t there. I am striving to be able to talk and to be around people. See although I am an extremely social person this has made it hard to be around others. It doesn’t take much to floor you when you are already dealing with so much. I thought that I would be feeling a tad better by now but bottom line I am not doing better.

So to be real and honest there are things that I am struggling with… I have had some amazing people ask me what they can do and honestly I don’t know. I know we all have birthdays coming up; I know that I have to do the food for that and I can’t wrap my head around it, it isn’t just the food it is that we are doing a birthday with part of our family missing, it is all the emotions of last year’s events surrounding Aden’s birthday.. We need encouragement, we know people are around but at 2am it is no one around but us. I know for me that since I am private I have had a hard time sharing and even till I worry about it. One major reason is because I don’t have the words to speak I don’t know what to say. I know that I am hurting but I don’t know what can be done about it, I know that I am devastated but again what can you do. One of the other reasons is that I don’t know how to ask or accept help. We are trying to focus on eating at home and dealing with things at home, this means I have to be able to get a menu today and food bought. Trying to figure out how to live again as a person, as a couple and as a family since for so long we were locked down and isolated because of having to be near medical equipment. I have been having issues with pretty much everything.

Think about the last time you went through a rough time at work; remember all the things you struggled with the frustrations of trying to get things done. The last time you were separated from the one that you love. The last time that you didn’t know what to do but knew that you had to do something. The last time that you knew you weren’t supposed to worry but since you didn’t know what to do. That is what I am going through. What can you do? I dont' know but whatever you want to do and felt let to do please do!

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