I don’t even know what to write… really I don’t.
This week as been super emotional for me and a week that I have had to really keep things in check and have had to remind myself that things are going to be okay. That I am not walking this journey by myself, That God doesn’t let me go through all this and not help me through it. I am struggling with it though… let’s see if I can open a little window and let you see a bit.
Many of those that know me know that I am a believer, that I have a relationship in Jesus Christ. In saying that it is one of those things that I have a hard separating… I have to believe that everything that I go through is for His glory. Now in saying this… oh my, this week has been so up and down that I can’t get recovered from one thing before I get hit with another. You want to hear the sad thing I can’t tell you what in the world it is all about just the ups and downs of being a mom multiplied by having a son who went to be with Jesus. I have cried, I have laughed, I have rejoiced, I have wanted to give up and with all of it I am reminded that this season is about joy, family, and love.
Joy… Last year during this time Adam taught our Sunday school about JOY, the way that we often teach children about relationships. JOY: JESUS, OTHERS, and YOURSELF Now for when Adam taught the adults in our Sunday School class it meant something that is simple… put others first, treat others like you want to be treated, go the extra mile and do it all with Jesus’ love. Now I am thinking about it more and more.
· Jesus, well that is simple, Jesus, can do all and is always with us. He is 1st in my life, sometimes it is hard to keep Him there but I try to.
· Others, well this one for me is much, much harder. There are times when I get angry at the person who makes a stupid comment, who decides that I did something with the intent of hurting when it was far from the truth so what I am learning is that I need to remember we all see things differently. I am in a position that not everyone is in. I have had a son die, a little boy die, one that I met, loved on, played with and took care of. He is now in heaven and perfect. People don’t know what to say. They don’t know if laughing is okay, if they can say Zach’s name if they can be upset, if they can celebrate being pregnant (or even trying) and the birth of a child. Here are my thoughts on this… I am delighted to know everyone that I know. I want to be part of all that is going on. To be involved in a baby shower of a sister of choice (think lifelong friend) was one of the most inspirational and healing things. To have her family love on me, include me as family, to let me go hide, to hug on me… See she put me 1st. Yes, she received gifts, she was showered with love, she was the guest of honor but she allowed me to be me. To be let into the story of a new job, first dates, etc . Someone I was talking to the other night told me something that I am trying to learn, I have to let people in. I have to allow people to know that I am hurting that I need to be loved on and that I need help doing certain things… hmmm that transparency thing that I am working on again
· You, this is something that I have an issue with doing, I struggle with asking for help, I don’t want to be the center of attention, even when it is something that I know that I need. I rather focus on everyone else and NOT me but since everyone is included in others…. Hmmm, I guess that means that I need to focus on me too.
So I am again sitting here thinking about JOY and what it means during this season. I am thankful for those that love on us… HONORED to the new friends that have blessed my family with items off our wish list. Honored that not only Aden was loved on but that Adam and I were loved on as well. Honored that I have people that I can say I need a hug or that I am hurting.