Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Happy thoughts, Happy thoughts, Happy thoughts

Well I hate to say it but that didn’t work, I had to try! Christmas magic… you know being able to get lost in the lights of the Christmas trees, to look and listen to children with the excitement of Santa and not knowing what is coming next, the excitement of teachers that they get weeks off, the excitement of seeing family and friends that you don’t see all the time, cooking huge meals and being with family or ones that you love while consuming it.  For me I can stare into a Christmas tree for days, to look at the lights to enjoy the calmness of the twinkling that are set for a purpose.  To sit and see the lights and the decoration on the tree and to know that there is a reason for each of the items, the twinkling colored lights because that is what the men in my life love. 

This year that Christmas magic brought pain… not having Zach to help us put up the tree this year, having issues signing Christmas cards, unexpected bumps, missing my mom.  I have tried for a week to do some cards (I need to do photo cards too!) but every time I go and I try to sign I totally mess it up.  That pain because frustration and that frustration becomes ANGER, now before you say but you don’t have to do them this year, I know that I don’t but, I want to… they might not get out before Christmas but I want to do them.  Missing the things that we were part of because of Zach… the HOPE HOUSE PARTY, the Speedway Charities, FOCUS/Lekotek party, well you get the point.  Things are different this year.

This year that Christmas magic brought frustration… not knowing what to say and what to do, how do I make myself be okay, not knowing how to fit into the mold that many think that I should fit into.  I know, well I have realized that this isn’t something that is in my hands, If it was then all the negatives wouldn’t be there, they would be positives.  I can’t even put words all the frustrations that are in my brain right now.
This year that Christmas magic brought a whirlwind of emotions, ready for this, hold on…. Pain, Hope, fear, love, joy, hurt, sadness, grief, isolation, unbelief, anguish, shock, guilt.  I am not going to explain all of these emotions because they are personal and ones that come and go just like the twinkling of the lights off that Christmas tree

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