Monday, December 12, 2011

A bit of honesty

During the Christmas Season something happens, I am not sure why or how but it does.  People expect you to be happy and to have things together.  People expect you to not talk about the negative things that have happened or to struggle.  However, the honest truth is that the holiday season is stressful.  I am sure that Mary, when she became pregnant with Jesus was scared and didn’t know what to do or say.  I am sure that she knew that she couldn't tell anyone with out people judging her and wondering what in the world she was hiding. Even, Jesus asked for this to be taken from Him, He prayed this while in the garden, He knew that the only way to truely help us was to die for us.  Now, what I am going through is nothing like either of the two things, they are simply reminders that I am not alone.  It gets overwhelming.
I’m not sure what I can say or do but I want to be honest and tell you that this holiday season, while Christmas is still part of it being happy all the time or being okay all the time isn’t going to happen for me.  Please don’t make those that you love feel like they have to be, please just hug on them and love on them and love them.  I spent a huge portion of the day at church trying not to totally bust out into tears and totally lose it.  I was very careful not to just do that because I know that there are plenty that feel like this is time to celebrate and so I need to be okay.  I know that I am very blessed to have Adam and his family.  I am very blessed to have them love me and pull up beside me and help me walk this path, so I am not alone in it.  However, the truth is that it is still hard and due to Zach’s death and when the anniversary falls it is a struggle for me.  Before you tell me but it is okay to lose it and it is okay to cry and to hurt and to not be okay, I know that but it doesn’t help while you are going through it. 

In two days, it will be Zach’s 6 month death date.  How in the world am I supposed to be okay with that?  Well I will tell you I am not, I hurt.  It had turned my world upside down and so when other tasks, little bumps, or big bumps come into my life it sends me into a spiral that I can’t always control.  Sometimes I am able to say this is okay I got this and then other times it sends me into wondering how in the world? Am I going to do this and stay okay?  All of this during the holiday stress of parties, appointments, and all the other things of Christmas.

The pressure that I put on me is a lot, but I have to say everyone else has pressure for me to.  They want to see Jen Smiling or laughing or able to get those 2-4 year old hugs.  My hope is that people realize that I am still learning my new role, we have had a ton of change in our family, in our life and God isn’t done yet.  I have a feeling that He is just started.  Just so you know I don’t wish for Zach back, Yes, I would love to have him in my arms one more time, I would love for him to play with Aden so he can have that experience one more time…. However, Zach is perfect and has the audience of the ultimate King.
So what do I want… to not have to explain myself, to know that no matter the emotions they are okay, to have kind, soft, loving voices to help me along the way.  We (I) am never alone in our lives, we have people to love on us and that are willing to do the small things that will help us.  We are striving to let others know that they are never alone either

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