Monday, November 28, 2011


When Zach got really sick for the last time, I felt the words of my heart leaving me, when Zach died I thought that I would never get my words back. I mean the words just aren’t there, how do you have a normal conversation when your heart is in pieces. For those that are reading this you might not understand this but when you are so upset and so worried do you find it easy to talk. If you are honest with yourself and with others you will get a taste of what I am trying to say… the words swirling in your head and in your heart. When Zach died, it was not only were the words swirling but they were racing so fast that I didn’t know what even start with.

A while after Zach died (the time so flows together so I don’t know exactly when), I was totally struggling with talking, I had a lifelong friend, a sister of our choice invited me to a baby shower. We knew that she was pregnant with a baby boy but we didn’t know a name at that time. In the craziness of family in her house, she and I were sitting on the sofa talking to each other, loving the time together that we don’t get nearly as often as we want or desire, she reached over took my hand and placed it on her belly. For the 1st time I understood what it felt like to feel a life, to have that jump of life be transferred to you something that we hear about but even more something that we can read a story in the Bible, When Jesus was still in the womb. Here am I with a friend and I am feeling her baby boy in her womb, I knew it was a boy, I just lost mine, it was awe inspiring to feel my words come back. Now I didn’t get them all back, but I felt some come back. This dear friend of mine who I count as a sister, allowed me to be that intimate with her to be part of that.

Several months later I decided to ask to start singing on stage again as part of the praise team at my church, for those that know me, you know that stepping off what hard but stepping on what hard as well. I didn’t know how I was supposed to help lead worship when I was struggling to hold it together. I emailed or texted the leader and instead of being shut down like I thought that I would, He told me to come on that I was welcomed back. So now I have been singing for roughly a month and I have to say there isn’t a moment that I don’t struggle…. Worshiping to me, singing to God, leading others is something that I hold very important but by being up there and being transparent: the tears, the laughter, the mistakes, the perfection… my words are being returned. They aren’t all back and I am often hit with a ton or racing thoughts and things that I can’t express, but I am learning it isn’t about the words it is about the heart, it is about being there, it is about caring. I wish I knew that all along.

I wish that I knew that it isn’t about being perfect nor doing it all, it is about caring and loving and being transparent. I wish I knew that it didn’t matter what you looked like or how much you fix it is about being there to help pick up the pieces.

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