Wednesday, November 16, 2011

How do you know what to do?

There are several things that are the 1st time we are going through things that I have no idea what to do…. We have made it past the “why did he die stage?” I know that people are going to ask that, although I have to admit there are times like today when I was at Scottish Rite with Aden that I am asked “where is your other son?” and I look at them and think “really, how do I tell you this?” to tell them that Zachary passed away June 14th.  Today it caused someone to bust out in tears, I didn’t mean for it to but it happened.  So moments like that have happened a lot and they thankfully are becoming less and less

However, now we are beginning a whole new set of things… the HOLIDAYS! I have things that I am looking forward to, things that I know that I will be sad but want them to come and things that I know that I don’t want to happen because I don’t want to hurt in a way that I don’t know how to recover from.  I am looking forward to having company for Thanksgiving again this year so I am looking forward to that, I am looking forward to Thanksgiving service, and to cooking but I am terrified about keeping it together.  While I know that I don’t have to who likes to lose it in front of everybody, well let me answer that NOT me!

Then it is Christmas time I have been asked for a wish list which has been posted here several times (here it is again for those that want it again  If you have questions or if I can help explain something please let me know)  I look through things and I think Zach would like this, wonder if Zach can do that and it breaks me cause I realize that Zach well, he is enjoying Heaven doing things that I can’t even imagine, no earthly toy compares to it!  I realize that things that we "WISH" for are things that can't be given all the time, I can't have Zach back, I can't fix all the emotions or everything that has happened.  I realize that sometimes we would like and need things that people don't understand but they are so important to making things work.   

I can’t wait to put the tree up, Zach loves the tree, Aden loves the tree and really I love the tree, it is a way to put your heart on display.  Then I think about Christmas Cards, now if you know me you know that I love cards, I love to encourage and I love to send smiles through the mail… how do we do this? How do you take a family photo when one of you is missing? How do you schedule an appointment and make a family photograph when there is one that won’t be included? Who do you get to do it? The photographers that know your son or do you get someone else?  How much money do you spend and more so how do you pay for it when your heart is still breaking?  We haven’t figured this out yet.  Then there are stockings… Aden has one with an A on it and we never could find on with a Z on it, last year we were given 2 matching stocking for the boys… Toy Story (BUZZ) because both of the boys especially Zach LOVED Buzz.  We never got to use them.  Do we hang that one up this year? Do we hang them all up? Do we fill them? What do we do?

Okay so you get the point it is the 16th of November and my brain is racing with all of these things that I can’t control and that we are going to have to figure out.  I am not sure that I am strong enough for this… I know that God is and I know that HE is always with me but I am struggling to figure out where to begin.  Please don’t take any of it for granted, Treasure and honor those things that can never be replaced if they are taken from you.

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