I was talking to a friend through Facebook the other night and I struggled to express myself to her. See tomorrow will be 5 months, it isn’t today but tomorrow but yet I am struggling today with tomorrow being 5 months, as I got dressed this morning to get ready for church today I looked and looked for a necklace that I thought that I had. Something to remind me that Zach was still with me. Something to help me know that my love for him is still okay, as I looked and looked and looked, I couldn’t find it. I don’t know if I imagined it or what but I was saddened. I looked in my earrings and found a pair of ruby hearts and put them in my ears. When I was pregnant with each of the boys I sung on praiseteam, today was my 3rd time back in well over a year, I think we figured it was close to two years. So as I was getting ready this morning I was hurting and wanting God to touch my heart, to be healed some as stood up on stage and worship, not only worship but lead. I kept wishing that I could find that necklace that I thought that I had. Something to represent my son? I am praying still that something will touch my heart and will fill that space.
I struggled to tell her my fears, my hurts, my dreams… but I also struggled to tell her my hopes and the good things. What I have learned is that there are times that I hurt and that it is all that I can feel. There are times when I think about the losses and I wonder, how do you take the bad things and let them not rule you? How do you express your love when you hurt? How do you be a friend? How do you open up and cry? The hurt is just so so real.
Hugs! More times than not I find the anticipation of a significant grief date even harder than the actual day. So strange but real.
ReplyDeleteAlso one of your questions struck a cord, as I have been encountering bereaved moms much farther out than myself. They tend to fit into two camps, defined or informed by their loss. I think for a time (longer than I'd have imagined) that most will be defined but I do deeply long to come out as one informed. I never want to forget, to be unchanged, but that the painful experiences mold me into one more compassionate and with a different view of what's important.
Btw I love that you are singing again. There is little sweeter than worship through pain!
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