already

I have had a hard time trying to figure out what to write, I have written several things only to read and to stop again. Everyone has been posting and writing about what they are thankful for, and then there are the birthdays…. Oh my what a busy week this must have been at the hospital. I guess the saving grace that they aren’t born the same year.


I guess this is thanksgiving week, I am going to bold enough, honest enough to write some things:

Holidays are hard, not just because Zach isn’t here but for almost 4 years our normal has been one thing and challenged. It isn’t just that Zach isn’t here physically is it is that we can’t go see him that he isn’t in the hospital, that we aren’t making new traditions. Figuring out what we want to do, need to do, and can skip, to figure out what is really part of us and what is something that can change. There is some stress in that too… pictures, cards, gifts, meeting up. Stress in trying to be who we need to be and who that truely is? Stress on trying to figure out what is really going to happen and what we are going to do and what is the most important things.

Holidays are about loving and caring on people. This is so very important to us. Without people loving on us I can promise you that life would be far tougher. This is why our house is open and why we enjoy having people over…. We can be the hug that they need.  We can be that safe place, that love!

Holidays have made my words sometimes not make sense, there are times when I feel like I can pour my heart out (either verbally or written) only to try to talk and not be able to. To say that I am okay would be a lie but yet, we are seriously asked that 500 times a day.  I dont' know how I am.

I would guess to say the biggest thing I would like you to know is that during this time it seems really lonely and isolating. Yes we have family around us and friends but it is like nothing makes sense and we are struggling. It is a time of the year that is focused on family, well part of it is missing and it isn’t just at the hospital. It is like I am that child that keeps running back to mom just to make sure she is still there, touching base only to find that not only is mom busy and no longer able to fill that need that we have.

I am thankful to have a wonderful family who will love on me no matter what. I am thankful for friends that will text me no matter the time. I am thankful for my friend who lives a world away but is 12 hours ahead so I can talk to a wonderful Christian friend when I am struggling at night