Many times today I broke into tears, no rhyme no reason. This is something that I am struggling with. I want to be a light to the world; I want people to see God through me. See I know that I can’t do this alone. I know that it isn’t by my strength, I know that there isn’t something I can stop either. I feel like I used to write this blog and it made sense, that people saw it and they gained hope from it or that they at least thought that it makes sense. Now I feel like I am clueless and that I can’t write a sentence that people like much less a whole post.
Thanksgiving… Thankful for family, love, money, jobs, health, safely to name a few of the things that we are thankful for. I am thankful to keep families together. I have to admit that I am so thankful that I don’t have to walk this life by myself. See I know that I am failing at this job, I hurt, I cry, you know what I totally LOSE it. I don’t know how things are so amazing and yet hurt so badly at the same time. I haven’t figured out what that means and what it means to be so surrounded by people and yet feel so isolated. So that leads me to the Christmas season, the birth of God’s son. I was talking to someone today and realized that last year we were at the hospital and two years ago we delivered presents to the hospital for Christmas. This year we are without Zach and we are without the whole hospital experience. How does that happen?
So in this case I am learning that things hurt and things are for a reason, I know that it is for the glory of God. So that leads me to now, struggling to realize that we are wonderfully made and made to rely to on others, to need others, to have to gain strength on others. For me I am realizing that I am so very thankful that I don’t do this alone.
The pain and the hurt from Zach’s death is surfacing time and time and time again, it is something that people don’t understand. They ask… why do I think about it so much? Why don’t I just feel better? Why don’t I just move on? My short answer, because the pain is something that unless you have been through it you don’t understand. I have realized that I don’t know how to do anything but take a step at a time. It is something that is rooted in everything that we do and yet I am being told to move on. I am being expected to be happy, to walk like nothing happened.
So let me tell you this… I love my son, I love my family and I am honored to be a Moody. I have an amazing husband who is caring and sensitive and wonderful. I have wonderful in laws who are willing to walk the world for us. I have wonderful friends both new and far, who text, email, chat, and call me to check on me. I have a church that is made up of wonderful people, God fearing people and that makes a God fearing church. I am thankful that God holds me in the palm of my hand and that He loves me that much