Okay so how many times do I start this before we finish it… I started this and I was upset, so I stopped. I started this again because I was upset and Good happened so I stopped. I started this to give thanks but then started to hurt because of other things, so I stopped. I started this to say things sucked and then I realized that there is good and so I stopped. Please bear with me cause I have NO idea how to write anymore.
I have never realized how much things can go up and down, I heard it told to me that Children often grieve as a schizophrenic, meaning that they hurt one sec and literally in that same sec they are laughing and having a good time. It is one of these things that is super hard, I can’t explain it to people.
So the tree made it up, I honestly thought that it would be naked or undecorated for a bit, but to my surprise the tree got decorated. We cried through it, we tried to smile through it… but in reality we realized one thing. Things are harder than we thought they will be and we feel very isolated, lonely and misunderstood. I want to get a family ornament this year but are there 3 in our family or 4? How do we do an ornament for Aden? We get him one every year so when he gets older he will have a collection. I want to get something to honor Zach, to put on the tree every year and haven’t figure out what to get. I can’t even figure out where to go to get it. I still haven’t gotten things together to do pictures or even to figure out what we are going to. We are trying to figure out how to even think of all of this, it is so hard, we cried and cried and cried today
Holiday seasons are always special to us, we are family focused and it is even more so this year. I am learning some things are very difficult to know how they will hit you. In this case, I am learning things are very hard to know how it will hit us. Today was Zach’s favorite person’s birthday, his MaMaw. He loved her more than anyone. That hit me hard, none of us are getting hugs from Zach and we are trying hard.
So tears and laughter, pain, hurt and love we are going to walk this life. We know that everything that we are going through is for God’s glory, His grace is sufficient for me (for us). He loves us and we are walking this as a family, together so we are not alone. However, we are struggling feeling like it is a single battle that no one understands