I forgot that Zach was in Heaven, Aden’s bedroom door was pulled almost closed, Zach and him used to share a room. The house was in quiet mode, something that we haven’t had to do in almost 7 months, you know that mode where everyone is doing something but trying to remain quiet so we don’t wake or disturb Zach. While washing my hands I wondered which medication was next and if it was time for me to do a med into his line and if so where the hand sanitizer was. I opened the door walked to Aden’s room and quietly opened the door, REALITY hit me hard. Zach wasn’t there, his bed wasn’t there, and time has moved on, Zach is in heaven.
How do you forget? What a horrible feeling as a mom to realize that for about 5 minutes I thought that Zach was still here, not horrible because I wanted to see him but horrible in the amount of pain that it caused. The pain is real and the heartache is unbearable at times. This is an experience that you can’t explain and that to the outside the world makes no sense… 8 months ago if I heard this I would have wondered about the psychological state of the person telling me but now I can say grief changes your life. My life changed when I had a child who was sick, a child with mito, but it changed again forever when he died. I have a ton of experiences I would have never have had, I love more now than I did before, I care more now about things that people don’t always get. I am now learning the pain of grief, of not being able to love on, hold, talk to, or take care of your child can hit you in the oddest ways at the times that you least expect it.