Saturday, January 14, 2012

How does that happen?

Every now and then I do something and I forget what all has happened in the past 6 almost 7 months…. Today was one of those days.  Adam, Aden and I went out to breakfast a treat for all of us but also some time for us to sit and chat and to remind each other that everything no matter how hard it may seem is okay.  When we got home Adam was studying for his masters’ class, Aden was playing a video game on the Wii and me, and well I was sitting at the computer talking to some of my favorite people.  I got up and went to the bathroom and it happened. 

I forgot that Zach was in Heaven, Aden’s bedroom door was pulled almost closed, Zach and him used to share a room.  The house was in quiet mode, something that we haven’t had to do in almost 7 months, you know that mode where everyone is doing something but trying to remain quiet so we don’t wake or disturb Zach.  While washing my hands I wondered which medication was next and if it was time for me to do a med into his line and if so where the hand sanitizer was.  I opened the door walked to Aden’s room and quietly opened the door, REALITY hit me hard.  Zach wasn’t there, his bed wasn’t there, and time has moved on, Zach is in heaven.

How do you forget? What a horrible feeling as a mom to realize that for about 5 minutes I thought that Zach was still here, not horrible because I wanted to see him but horrible in the amount of pain that it caused.  The pain is real and the heartache is unbearable at times.  This is an experience that you can’t explain and that to the outside the world makes no sense… 8 months ago if I heard this I would have wondered about the psychological state of the person telling me but now I can say grief changes your life.  My life changed when I had a child who was sick, a child with mito, but it changed again forever when he died.  I have a ton of experiences I would have never have had, I love more now than I did before, I care more now about things that people don’t always get.  I am now learning the pain of grief, of not being able to love on, hold, talk to, or take care of your child can hit you in the oddest ways at the times that you least expect it.

1 comment:

  1. I know it's not the same, but I did that several times with my dad the first year. In Nov of that year, I almost bought him his yearly Chick-fil-a calendar, and then sat down and cried in the food court when I remembered. (((hugs))))