A letter

Well I have started the 2nd session of Griefshare, I'm not sure if I am in a different place now than I was during the 1st session, if God is working differently or if I am just listening differently. We are two weeks into it and they suggested doing something and I thought of it for this blog.

There is something called a Grief Letter, this is something that kinda explains what is going on and how you are doing. It is designed to be mailed and sent but I thought that I had so many read this blog that here was where I needed to start it. so bare with me I am on the iPad typing this and so it might not be perfect but I pray that you get the point.

Dear Family, Friends and all those that walking with us,

In June of 2011, my husband and I suffered a devastating loss. It will take months and possibly years for us to recover from this loss. I will be devastated at times this means I will cry, I will get upset, I sometimes have uncontrollable times of tears. I don't apologize for my tears, I am sorry if they make you uncomfortable but they are part of my life now. There are times when I will be angry not with people but just with life in itself. I know that they will not make sense at times but it is very real to me. Please don't tell me to get over it, deal with it, or tell me that it isnt that bad because in my heart it is real. There will be times that I wont now how to function and where all my emotions are haywire.

What do I need from you? Well I am not sure but the first thing is I need you to bare with me, know that the hurts and emotions are temporary while it may be a while I am working on them. I know God can use them and even more importantly I know that God can heal. Please know that as Much as I am trying not to isolate, it does happen. Sometimes my heart and mind have a hard time dealing and the pain is so real I pull away. My words in person, the ability to talk falters and so I pull away. I don't want to be fake so sometimes in my head this makes more sense to go away.

Please pray for me, love on me and know that I appreciate it. If you are one that hugs, please give me hugs, they reassure me that I am not broken. If you knew zach, have memories of zach, love zach please continue to talk about him. Please don't be afraid... He is my precious little boy and always will be. It would truly suck to know or think that zach has been forgotten.

Please know that I didn't loose zach... I know exactly where zach is. He is in heaven, he is blessed enough to be in the presence of God, healed and physically perfect. While I miss him, long for his touch, his smile and his love there is nothing that would make me want him to come back and endure the pain that he had during his short life. He was so strong and my prayer is that I can be half as strong as he was.

Please know that as events happen, the negiative ones compound. if you have never heard this, this is what I mean. When you are emotionally tired, drained, even the little things upset you. Well zach's death isn't a little thing it is huge so when the little things come it easily can cause me to totally shut down and breakdown. Little things can seem petty to others but they are very real, little things that seemingly don't matter an be huge. Knowing that other people don't get it, don't understand or can't see it sometimes makes it even harder for me. If I could simply get over it, trust me, I would.

Please know that I don't doubt God! I have complete faith in Him. I do doubt how everything is going to work together and why the pain has to be so real and so vast. I wish that I could crawl up in God lap and be cuddled by the king. However, I do not doubt God.

Please know that if you pray for us we are thankful. Hearing that someone is praying for us has been the reason why I have made it this far. Knowing that we aren't physically alone is worth more than I can express.

Please share your good things and you bad too.... We aren't the only ones hurting and I need to know that, I need to be able to pray for things and rejoice in all of the good things too. If there is something that emotionally I can't do, I might be upset with myself for a moment but then I will remember God is always there and for now my role is something different. I have enjoyed getting to be at a baby shower, at a birth and getting to hold a baby. Yes it was hard but to not get to be part of that (after 20years would have been worse). All this to say your things still matter greatly to us, we know the world didn't end and we want to be part of it.

Please know that if you felt led to do something, we will not be offended, there are things that have caught us off guard but because they are needs that we haven't shared and yet God provided them. Yes even 7 months into this journey there are things that we don't expect and haven't thought about and things that we need to make it better.

This loss and all the things tht we went through are very very painful, it sometimes feels like nothing Is going right but I know this is for a season and that things will get better. I will survive and will be stronger for all of this. Thank you for reading this and if you need to talk more or want to contact me I am always here. I am thankful for you caring enough to be here with us.