A confession

There is this story in Luke 8 that talks about a woman who was facing a personal issue and was considered to be unclean, something that was personal and beyond her control, that had been going on for years. One day when Jesus came through she got the courage and went out to see if she could just touch his hem of his garment. She didn't want to bother she didn't want to make a big huge scene but she wanted to touch his clothes to be close enough to suck in all of the goodness that Jesus had. To be in the prescence of God. She did in fact touch Jesus and instantly she was healed, Jesus knew and called asking who had touched him. He called out to her out and told her, by your faith you are healed.

In today's age, I will be honest I never understood that story, we are far more accepting of things and not only that but medicine is much better so I always just took it as our faith helps us. Last night however, I had an exprience that I think I realize the desperation and the desire that this women might have had.

There is a woman at my church, she is older than me, she isn't old enough to have lost her husband but her husband was called to be with God. She is farther in her grief journey than I am and has really pulled up beside me, while different situations it has been nice. She has been the one to encourage me to go to griefshare, to cont. to try to make it through it all, now she is not the only one but I know that her grief is so real and new to her as well. She has made sure that I know that I am not crazy or that we might be crazy together but tht I am not alone in what I am feeling. She has been free to text and message allowing me to try to be transparent with some of the emotions that the world doesnt understwnd. I think to I look to her not only because she is older than I am but because she is farther in her faith that I am as well.

Anyway, last night we had a fellowship at church and we sat one table over from this wonderful lady. All night I couldn't help but think about how good she looked, how radiant she looked, how joyous she was, how happy. It was like I could almost see it oozing off of her, now it wasn't but I could see how God is healing her heart. I thought to myself, I want to be like that again. I want to be happy, I want to ooze joy and goodness. I wondered if i would ever make it to that point, to just be happy in the moment no matter what. I started to think that maybe if I moved tables, if I could sit with her maybe it would rub off on me. Maybe I could have some of that. I wondered what people saw when they looked at me if the saw joy or if they saw a black cloud. I wondered if I could steal just a drop of her personality and attitude just to try to make it through some of the things that are so heavy on my heart. I thought just an ounce, just a drop actually and that would be good. If I could get a hug and that would rub off on me, it would be fabulous. Joy, peace, raidance, contentment, glowing ... I was just in awe

I suddenly realize what that biblical woman must have felt, so desperate for God to show up knowing that if she could reach out, it would heal/help her.