I have been trying to figure out what God wants me to write. I mean I start something over and over again but NOTHING sticks through a full thought. It is hard because I can’t seem to get something to finish, to share a thought that will complete my heart.
I think for me it has to start here…. We each have things that God calls us to do, things that are often outside of comfort zone. Think about it before you accept God before you follow God. You step out of your box and you choose to accept Him. Before you graduate from college you graduate from high school often leaving, going to a new place and start studying something new to you. Before you get married you go on a date. Before you get a job you go on an interview.
You get my point… I kinda thought that you get used to being uncomfortable and stepping outside your box, outside that comfort. This doesn’t mean that it gets easier just that you know that it is coming that life is going to change and that you are going to be going out of your box again. However I am learning that isn’t true. Sometimes those changes, those things that are outside your box seem to come out of the blue and to be unexpected. I am a social person; well I am the one that tends to care about others, to take care of others, to want to be prepared for every situation to be prepared to help whenever needed. I am a person that wants to make a difference. I am the one that people come to for help, advice or just to vent to.
What I am learning is that I am a private person. I don’t like sharing about me; I get nervous about really really being open about the things that have happened in my life. I am taking a class at another church right now, not because I want to move Churches but because it is a class that I need to take. In taking this class I have learned I love it because no one knows me, I can hide and I can be upset if I am upset, the mask of truth can be different. However, the other side of this story is that I don’t know what to say, how much to say, I don’t know if they will keep things in confidence, will they judge me? Will they run away screaming? I don’t know if a bad emotion or tears will make them all want me to be banished from the table.
I am learning that I am one that finds it very easy to serve however, I am not good at being served. I am not good at accepting compliments, or even honestly understanding them. I don’t understand why anyone would want to walk with me no matter what the situation is or how many we walk through that seem to be hard. Part of this is because of the situations of the past. I was told a lot that people would be there no matter what I needed and then Zach got sick and people got scared, they weren’t able to handle it. Then he got really sick and they left the relationship all together. Then everyone came back when Zach died, at least for the first couple days, well until the funeral then they ran away. It has left me not knowing what to say and what to tell people that I feel.
Why am I mentioning these two points because.. this is what God is working on me with? I am learning what it means to honestly pour your heart to a friend. To tell the content of your heart without the fear of being judged, laughed at, blamed, or having then run away. To tell it knowing that the other person may need to help, to wrap their arms around you, to talk to you, to make phone calls, to run errands. To laugh, to make up funny songs (do do doodoo, do do dooodoo), to be willing to text no matter the time or day, to be willing to drop everything and help! To realize that I am not the only one, that I am not alone. That forgiveness exists that bad situations can be used for good, to help, to heal!
See in one day I was asked by God to
1. To accept the fact that I have good friends
2. To accept the fact that I have to ask for help?
3. To give my number (to text) to someone that I have known for 6 weeks so we can continue to deeper our relationship.
4. To be open enough to send a text and then to send a more in depth email
5. To be honest with good friends
6. To do what I need to do to develop the relationships that I have been blessed with.
7. To be honest with myself
8. To admit when it is not okay, when I am not okay
9. To write, to be honest, about who I am
In knowing this I am in awe, who am I that I can be used to make a difference? I think one of the biggest things is that emotion that I have on not wanting anyone to feel alone, is now me knowing that I am never alone. We are NEVER ALONE!!!