Prayer

Each day I wake up at different times and for different lengths of time… sometimes it is at 3am for about 30mins, sometimes it is 2am for an hour, other times it is a time that I have to stay up for the rest of the day.  I very often though have the urging from God to pray for things when I wake up.  Sometimes it is for people or for places, sometimes it is for events that I know or for groups.  I often text the people that I am thinking of if I know that it won’t wake them up or if I know that they are up and one day someone asked me why I pray for them.  So I thought that I would take a sec and I would write about prayer.

Prayer has many definitions and some of them are MORE scholarly that others but I am going to tell you my definition.  For me PRAYER is talking to God, asking God to protect, guide, help, love on those that are important to me and my family. 

I pray for:

·         My Husband, that he will have a good day and that he will know that he is very much loved, for the traffic that he is going to face when he drives an hour to work.  For the things that he looks at that runs circles around my brain when he tells me what all he does.  That he gets enough to eat at lunch and that he knows how special I think he is how much I love him, how thankful I am to be married to him!

·         My family, those that are by marriage or by blood and those that are selected by that deep relationship that God has blessed me with.  I pray that they have a good day that classes go well, that work goes well, that emotionally they are hanging in and that they are safe in all that they do.  That health is good and that if they are going through a crisis that they have the right people that can help them walk through it all.

·         Teachers, not just the teachers that are at my school but ALL teachers.  I pray specifically for the teachers that are touching my son’s life.  That they will have patience when they need it, that they will be able to minister to them, that they will love on Aden if and when he needs it.  That they will have extra love for all the situations that they are involved in. 

·         Schools, not just HOPE Academy but ALL schools.  I pray specifically for HOPE academy for the children that are there, for all of the illnesses, losses, grades, and things that are brought into the school.  Situations that I don’t know about.  Every grade, every student, everything that happens.  I pray for the chapels and for the Bible studies that they get exposed, that they will listen and that God will touch their hearts.

·         Friends, I pray for those that I see every day that I know what specifically to pray for; losses, family situations, health, money issues, stresses.  I pray generally for health and for self confidence, self worth that is found in God and not in the world.  I pray for the ability to share what needs to be shared and that they will know that they are never alone.  I pray that they will know in their hearts that I am there for them no matter what.  I pray for those that I don’t see every day but mean the world to me.  I pray for those that I wish lived closer, those that I pray that I see more.  I pray for those that are battling things that I can’t even begin to imagine.

·         Church, I pray for the churches that I am involved in.  Lighthouse Baptist Church; the ones that have provided the building that HOPE academy is in.  The pastor that loves on our students by doing chapel and smiles when he sees our students in the halls.  For the love and compassion that they show us by allowing us to be a school in their building.  Eagles Landing 1^st Baptist, where Aden and I go on Wednesdays night that they will continue to share God’s will and God’s love to us.  Tara Baptist Church, My home church, where my husband teaches Sunday school, where I have family and friends, that has walked through some dark times of my life with me.  I pray that they all can Share God’s love and His message.  That I am doing all that God calls me to do there.

·         I pray for other things that come up, events of the day, stories that I have heard hearts that I know. 

If you are one of those people and I have your number to text or on facebook with you, I will take a sec and let you know that I pray. I hope that if there is something going on in your life that you let me know. I firmly believe we are not made to walk this life by ourselves, hidden in a closet somewhere, sometimes it is easier for people to not know what is going on.  I pray that God touches my heart and allows me to be all that those around me need me to be!

Realizing things

More and more I feel like I am starting things off but I am realizing as I get older that there are just times that you realize things…

There are just times that you realize:

·        A touch is sometimes the one thing that helps someone make it another moment

·        A smile can make a difference

·        A laugh can change your whole mood

·        A thought about a friend might mean that they need you

·        A mood is contagious

·        Sometimes you just aren’t okay

·        It’s okay to not be okay

·        There are times that when you help someone you won’t have the words

·        There are some people that you want to be there when the walls come crashing down even when you don’t want to have to be weak in front of them… when you are secretly wishing they will go home and be there at the same time. 

This came to my mind this week as I have had two events that have reinforced them in my heart…

The 1^st one is from a friend who had a book given to her and she started to read it and after reading it for a bit, she knew in her heart it wasn’t time for her to read the book but she thought of me and my heart.  The questions that secretly I have been asking her and myself, struggling to find the answers but asking them still, struggling to find a reason.  She made it one chapter and brought it to me, I took the book home and after reading the second chapter I sent her a message.. See in the book the author writes something that I very well could have penned.  I have felt the same feelings, thought the same thoughts and cried almost the same tears.  Secretly though, here this author wrote them for the whole world to know… for me to know, for a friend to feel the prompting of God to lend me a book that I didn’t ask for.  Needless to say, 3 days later she found the book on her desk returned to her waiting for the day that her heart is ready to read it.

The 2^nd one is from another friend, well actually two.  I went to church last night and while the class was going on I had a friend on each side me.  We were listening and taking notes of the references that were being given.  Every few minutes the speakers would say something and the one on the right would tickle my ribs, and then a few minutes later the friend on my left would kick my leg.  God knew I needed to hear from the speakers but he also knew that I needed to have people near me, I needed the touch, I needed them to remind me that I wasn’t alone.  While we were closing in prayer one of them reached over and firmly held my hand.  Instantly I knew that at that moment, God was healing a bit of me… the tickling, the kicking, the smiles, the eye rolls, the holding hands and the prayers.  God was touching me and healing just a little bit of my heart. I never thought that I would have people in my life like the two that were with me at the table and yet not only do I have them in my life but God is using them to move me to the next step in my journey.

See these are two things to remind me that we aren’t alone; we are not meant to walk this path, this life by ourselves.  We are called to be friends, to love at all time, to be there no matter what, to love on, to help and to pick up.  To listen to friends when they say things that are from their hearts, to love them when they think you are going to hate you for it.  I want to be that friend; I want to be the one that is known as being nonjudgmental, loving and caring.  I want to be there, I want to walk the path with my friends holding their hands, praying for them and loving on them.  Why because I know how important it is.  I know that we need it and it is so very important.  That touch matters that a smile matters, a pm/text matters, a letter matters, being there matters

learning

I have taken a little time from writing not because I wanted to but because honestly my mind and heart couldn’t do it.  I have tried to hold it all together for all of the assorted people in my life and worked on getting it together for me.  So I am sitting here thinking about this again, about how much I miss writing.  About how I wonder if anyone missed the posts that I have made.

I have had people tell me that my medical journey is over since we no longer have Zachary on earth, while Zach’s journey is over.  My family’s journey is not… we have 3 other people in this family; we have extended family that matters and close friends that matter.  I mention this because we have been walking in and out of the medical world; I am learning it is quite different than what I had with Zach.  Zachary was blessed with some of the most caring doctors and his story wasn’t the norm on what had to be done.  I developed friendships because of Zachary which have helped me walk this new journey.  Friendships that helped connect me with doctors that I could trust and that if they said don’t worry it calmed my heart.  I am learning things now that I never had to with Zachary but I am understanding right now how hard it must have been for him to SMILE and to be the amazing little boy that he was.  Friendship developed through my grief but now stand strong through the normal waves of life.

There are so many things that effect us and yet we just keep walking, we keep working with the waves.  There are many people that are impacted by invisible diseases, diseases that you can’t tell that the person has from the outside of the body, they don’t have to lose their lives to them like Zachary did, and they may simply lose out on some of the other things in lives.  Those diseases can cause you to lose out on family time, work, recreational time, and/or dates with friends.  They may affect how you feel about yourselves and often will affect the moods that you have.  Why do I mention this? Well it is simple; I as well as some of the people I am close to have invisible diseases.  They have different names… psoriatic arthritis, rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, chron’s disease, abdominal migraines, metabolic diseases, depression, allergies, migraines, diabetes… I know that there are many other diseases.  However, with these invisible diseases come along pain and sufferings that we often face in silence.

Now that I have mentioned this I can say why I mention it… I am learning that I am the only one that can determine how I am going to listen to my body.  The standards and normal that I was used to can vary hugely based on how my body is doing.  There are times when I can’t get up to do things and while I really want to I can’t.  There are times when I want to be able to talk with a family member but work has taken all of her strength from her.  There are emotions that I have to realize aren’t truths, they aren’t based in fact but in emotions that because of the daily waves that are hard to deal with. 

My Goal is to learn how to deal with things… as the waves of life come and I get knocked down to remember that I are worth it, that I am alone, but also to learn and to remember that I have been really blessed by the people that I have around me, that love on me and care about me.

To the one...

To the girl down the hall that doesn’t see how smart she is.  There is always hope, there is always a reason.  You are in fact smart enough; you are bright enough, your thoughts matter, your actions matter! Without you in this world, things wouldn’t be the same! We would laugh less and cry more.  It may take you longer to get things and it may take a lot of work but it doesn’t make you any less important or smart!

To the friend who doesn’t know what to say.  The words don’t matter, it what is in the heart, the actions that take place and the amount of true, real concern there is.  A word might be nice but it doesn’t have to be real or true, that action tells us the true meaning.  Being there always and hanging on when the rest of the world gives up matters.  It is also important that you share what your heart is feeling you don’t have to walk it alone .  Open up, try to say something, it is hard but it is worth it 

To the one that doesn’t know what to do next, who thinks they can’t do another thing! Yes you can, baby steps, any movement is worth it.  Sometimes we don’t know what we are doing but we are equipped to do what God has called us to do.  We are strong enough, YOU are strong enough!!!

To the one that is barely making one step in front of the other.  To the one that wonders what is going to happen next.  Keep Going, keep trying, you are moving more than you know, you are making a difference you are touching someone in a way that you will never know.  However, each little step is important. Things are not always bad and God can use the bad things for His glory! You are an important part of the Masters plan.

To the one that no longer sees how things are going to be okay. Please know that you are not alone and that no matter what the actions are and no matter what happens knows that you will never be alone.  It may take time but it will be worth it.

To the one that doesn’t think that they matter.  There are no words that I can express to let you know how much you do matter.  The things that you do and the things that you are part of help more people that you can imagine, you are smart, talented, amazing.  You matter, repeat after me, you matter!

To the one that hesitates to say anything to anyone.  Please say something; please know that it is worth it and that you are worth it.  You are not alone in your battle but until you open to share and expose yourself you will never know that there are more people walking the path that you are.  You are so important to touch someone that needs to know that they aren’t alone.  You aren’t going to scare everyone away.

To the one that thinks that they are alone, you are NEVER alone, YOU ARE IMPORTANT! YOU MATTER!!!  You matter to someone more than you ever will know, there is someone that needs to talk to you, needs to laugh with you, needs to be your friend, needs to be blessed by you!

forgiveness

I am tired, it is a good tired but I am tired, unable to wrap my mind around it all but thankful that I have God in my life with joy, happiness, friends and busy-ness.

I am learning about forgiveness, not for the rest of the world but for me… how do you figure yourself? Have you ever tried?  Have you ever done something not quite how you wanted to? Have you ever failed? Have you ever done something in a different manor than you wanted to? Have you ever just simply messed up?  Have you ever REALLY messed up?

If we are honest with ourselves, if we honestly look at our lives we will find out that we can answer YES to all of the above questions but we can also answer YES to more that I haven’t mentioned.  I struggle with forgiving myself for things that I have done in my past.  I struggle to forgive myself for not trying harder in relationships that I can never have back.  I struggle to forgive myself for getting tired, for getting overwhelmed, for just needing a break. 

Are any of these things that are horrible or things that change who I am no? Unless you want to consider the fact that the experiences that I have been in, the things that I have had to do, the things that have gone “wrong”, the things that I struggle with are simply things that just make me who I am.  Every situation good bad or both are from God.  There is nothing that we can do that can pull us away from God, from Jesus, once you have a personal relationship with God accepting Jesus into your heart, nothing can change that.  Nothing I can do, nothing you can do can take you away from God.

I struggle though; I struggle to build the confidence to talk to new people, to open up to build deep relationships.  I struggle because I have people that I get to talk to and spent a little time with that I deeply want to get to know more and spent more time.  I struggle knowing that there are children and families that I want to touch and make a difference I and I can’t because I just don’t know what to do or what to say.  I struggle because I want to be a good wife, a good mother, and a good friend.  I struggle because I don’t want to judged or laughed at. I struggle with knowing who I can share with and what I need to share. 

One step at a time. We are never alone. Our story makes us stronger!. 

out of the BOX

I have been trying to figure out what God wants me to write.  I mean I start something over and over again but NOTHING sticks through a full thought.  It is hard because I can’t seem to get something to finish, to share a thought that will complete my heart.

I think for me it has to start here…. We each have things that God calls us to do, things that are often outside of comfort zone.  Think about it before you accept God before you follow God. You step out of your box and you choose to accept Him.  Before you graduate from college you graduate from high school often leaving, going to a new place and start studying something new to you.  Before you get married you go on a date.  Before you get a job you go on an interview.

You get my point… I kinda thought that you get used to being uncomfortable and stepping outside your box, outside that comfort.  This doesn’t mean that it gets easier just that you know that it is coming that life is going to change and that you are going to be going out of your box again.  However I am learning that isn’t true.  Sometimes those changes, those things that are outside your box seem to come out of the blue and to be unexpected.  I am a social person; well I am the one that tends to care about others, to take care of others, to want to be prepared for every situation to be prepared to help whenever needed.  I am a person that wants to make a difference.  I am the one that people come to for help, advice or just to vent to.

What I am learning is that I am a private person. I don’t like sharing about me; I get nervous about really really being open about the things that have happened in my life.  I am taking a class at another church right now, not because I want to move Churches but because it is a class that I need to take.  In taking this class I have learned I love it because no one knows me, I can hide and I can be upset if I am upset, the mask of truth can be different.  However, the other side of this story is that I don’t know what to say, how much to say, I don’t know if they will keep things in confidence, will they judge me? Will they run away screaming? I don’t know if a bad emotion or tears will make them all want me to be banished from the table.

I am learning that I am one that finds it very easy to serve however, I am not good at being served.  I am not good at accepting compliments, or even honestly understanding them.  I don’t understand why anyone would want to walk with me no matter what the situation is or how many we walk through that seem to be hard.  Part of this is because of the situations of the past.  I was told a lot that people would be there no matter what I needed and then Zach got sick and people got scared, they weren’t able to handle it.  Then he got really sick and they left the relationship all together.  Then everyone came back when Zach died, at least for the first couple days, well until the funeral then they ran away.  It has left me not knowing what to say and what to tell people that I feel.

Why am I mentioning these two points because.. this is what God is working on me with? I am learning what it means to honestly pour your heart to a friend.  To tell the content of your heart without the fear of being judged, laughed at, blamed, or having then run away.  To tell it knowing that the other person may need to help, to wrap their arms around you, to talk to you, to make phone calls, to run errands.  To laugh, to make up funny songs (do do doodoo, do do dooodoo), to be willing to text  no matter the time or day, to be willing to drop everything and help!  To realize that I am not the only one, that I am not alone.  That forgiveness exists that bad situations can be used for good, to help, to heal!

See in one day I was asked by God to

1.       To accept the fact that I have good friends

2.       To accept the fact that I have to ask for help?

3.       To give my number (to text) to someone that I have known for 6 weeks so we can continue to deeper our relationship.

4.       To be open enough to send a text and then to send a more in depth email

5.       To be honest with good friends

6.       To do what I need to do to develop the relationships that I have been blessed with.

7.       To be honest with myself

8.       To admit when it is not okay, when I am not okay

9.       To write, to be honest, about who I am

In knowing this I am in awe, who am I that I can be used to make a difference? I think one of the biggest things is that emotion that I have on not wanting anyone to feel alone, is now me knowing that I am never alone.  We are NEVER ALONE!!!