Wednesday, March 21, 2012


So I have been sitting here deep in thought most of the time I have been at the computer, not knowing what to type.  My mind goes back and forth on lots of thoughts. This journey that I am on is one that I don’t get and I don’t expect many others to have the answers yet but yet I am still sitting here wondering what the questions are? Maybe if I know the questions I will get an answer, even if it is the wrong one, an answer.  
Grief is a journey that I am realizing that effects every ounce of who you are and the ones around you.  I have been walking it wondering what I am supposed to be learning and well, I just don’t know. Here is a little bit of the lessons that I am learning, I haven’t grasped it at all, somedays I can hold my head up and know that I am doing well but on the other days I am clueless.

Grief has taught me:

·       You can be devastated and Happy at the same time.  This is one of the hardest things to learn. How can you hurt and mourn and ache for your son but be delighted that he is no longer hurting and that he is out of the bondage that he had on earth.  How can you laugh and enjoy yourself with friends and hurt because of death at the same time?  Well God somehow made us to be able to have both emotions at the same time.  We aren’t supposed to have the guilt that we feel when we are laughing during our grief journey.  However, God does allow us to mourn and grief like we have HOPE, We have HOPE.  Zach is blessed to be with Jesus and he is perfect.

·       Emotions can change rapidly.  Oh My, I feel like this is an understatement.  I have honestly had every emotion that you can think of.  Some of those emotions are hidden from the outside view and some aren’t.  However, we all have emotions that change and we can’t explain it.  I have gone from being okay, to being mad like almost in a rage, to being quite sad for reasons that I can’t tell to the outside.  We have learned as a family we sometimes hurt for the things that we can’t do anymore and so it is hard to be okay with what is going on. 

·       Asking and Needing Help Are NOT bad.  Well this one is one that I struggle with on a daily basis; I am supposed to be able to do all that I need to do without help and without all the things that I might have to ask for.  It is something that is very foreign.  It isn’t a sign of weakness.  Asking for help can be as easy as asking someone to listen to as big as you can imagine.  I am learning there are plenty of people that are willing to help in whatever way they can IF they know about it.  However, I have to get through my head that  it isn’t a knock against me or what I can do to admit that I need help!

·       Friends, true Friends, are irreplaceable and always there.  I thought that I knew this. I guess in my mind I did know it but what I am learning is that you find out who your friends are.  Some get tired of ever changing emotions, some get tired of having to be the one to give (without getting anything in return for a while), and some wig out because it is too close to their own experiences.  However there are those that decide that no matter how much time, effort, or love you require at this moment without being able to focus on them it is worth it.  I have done that for others but I am now learning how important it is. 

9 months is how long we have been on this part of our journey, we actually started grieving earlier, and we are still realizing that we still have times that we don’t understand what is swirling around us.  We know that there is NO end to this journey, that God will heal our hearts and that He will put things back together but we will always hurt and miss Zach.  We will always long to have him in our arms and in our lives.  Little things like a BUZZ Lightyear can make me smile or cry.  Having a friend have medical issues can make me stop in my tracks and fall to my knees.  Answering questions from a 6 year old child can make me fall apart.  However, I have learned one thing…. I don’t want anyone to every go through something alone.  There is no need for anyone to hurt without someone loving on them.  Grief has taught me compassion, love and endurance!

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