Yes, I know it has been a while

I took some time off for multiple reasons but the time was much needed…. I focused on my husband, my son and myself.  I focused on the children that I teach at school and the new friends that I have recently become part of their lives.  I had to be off of the internet because Feeding Tube awareness was too much for me, saying that Zach had the tubes, and being asked how long he had been tube free, destroyed me.  While Zach is now tube free, it isn’t what the person had in mind, it took me a while to read it fully and I never answered her.  How do you answer that your son has been healed forever by being blessed to go to Heaven and now knows the Heavenly Father in a way that I can only long for?  That tube, the tubes that he had are the only way that Zach’s quality of life was worth something, I am thankful that Zach lived when the tubes existed so he could be blessed by that as well.

I had to learn some things that I didn’t know that I didn’t know.  I had to learn that I need to ask for help, that the world is hard, swirling around me but that I have amazing and awesome friends that are willing to help, if they know and if they know that I won’t be offended.  I had to learn how to put my total trust in God, this is something that I thought that I knew but honestly I don’t know it.  I know that God is sovereign and I know that things will work out according to His plans and that those plans are not to harm me but I can honestly say that I don’t get it.  I don’t get the hurt, the bad, the hard, and the things that no one understands.  I don’t understand how to do it, I don’t get it.  I don’t understand how God’s provisions are there; I don’t understand how the people that God calls to do things do it.  I mean how we are blessed with diet coke and food, blessed with people that will listen to emotions and people that are willing to allow us to stumble through things. 

I had to learn that I can’t have expectations of family and friends, because if I do I will be hurt and disappointed, God is the only one that is perfect and that knows how to handle all the situations.  That the friends that don’t answer like I expect or are more flippant than I understand aren’t trying to be hurtful it is that they don’t get it.  The hurt that I am going through is the hurt that is mine uniquely and even if I let you into the world, it doesn’t mean that you can feel the same way as I do.  Some people are much much better at just listening.  Some people are much much better at just knowing what things others need.  Some people are much much better at just knowing how to LOVE no matter what.  I had to learn that there are people around me that don’t get it, they love me and they are willing to help but they don’t get it.  The words that they say hurt and I have to remind myself that they don’t get it.  I have had to remind myself that God knows my heart and that when I don’t have the words and it seems like friends are hurting more than helping that God knows and only God knows totally what my heart is feeling.

Now where did this all come from…. Adam and I were part of a respite retreat; it was a weekend in a small place outside of Nashville.  A total of 12 couples that have all lost children attended… it was heart touching to come together be surrounded by God and held in His hand while we learned the things that He wanted us to learn.  It wasn’t sad, or painful but absolutely amazing.  To hear the stories, 12 stories all different… several babies that were still in the uterus, several just days old, 3 months old, several 6 months old, 2 years old, almost 4 years old, 12 years old, and 18 years old.  Some of the stories were sudden and filled with tragedy others had more time with their child.  The Love that we had for God, the love that we had for our spouses, and the love for our children (living, developing and dead) were the ties that bound us together; it was like being with some of the people that understood us the best.  Being in a place that we could say anything and ask anything and the conversation wouldn’t end or slam to a halt.  I didn’t have to worry about not knowing what to say because they knew they didn’t know the words either.  To know that I wasn’t, we weren’t, different but instead we were for a few days blessed with people that got it!  Being in a place far from what we were used to but surrounded by God’s creation and majesty.  I can’t even begin to say how beautiful and wonderful nature is.   

I often feel like I don’t have a way to express the pain, the emotions that are in my heart and in my head.  I say it that way because my heart and my head don’t match yet; there are things that I am still conflicted on.  I wish that I could say that I feel this way and I know that it is wrong or right or that it is something that isn’t a rational thought but all I can say is honestly that I don’t know how I feel that the cries of my heart and the cries of my head don’t match.  I feel quite amazed at the things that the retreat helped me with.  I have a deep desire now to help my husband and my son know that they are the best thing ever that they aren’t second rate or second best but they are the perfect people that God has placed for me.  I have learned that all events past and present are part of who I am… I care because God allowed me to experience things, hurtful and painful situations but they are all turned into amazing things since God is in my life. 

I have to admit, I will be a tad more on and off than before, I am still here if you need me you can text, call, email or personal message, but I will be more hit and miss, I want to try to continue the journey that God has put me on.  I want to love on my family, friends, and all the little ones that I come in contact with.  I am designed and here for such a time as this and no matter what the emotions are and no matter what hurt comes and goes, God is the one that has picked me up and is holding me.