A new beginning...

I have always been an outgoing person, one that is always moving and on the go… I learned very young that I needed to be moving and going so I don’t get in trouble. Going through all that Adam and I have been we haven’t taken the time out for us.  Adam and I have been nurses, doctors (yes, having to diagnose and come up with treatments), accountants, psychologists, cooks, drivers, coordinators, mom/dad, helpers, teachers, holders, comforters.  What is missing in this list? Being a husband or a wife, supporting each other as a spouse. For a while we were married but because of how life was we were living apart, one focused on the hospital and Zach (typically me) and the other focused on home and Aden (typically Adam).  We rarely got more than a dinner together daily and even if we did get more than that it was all focused on Zach and then on Aden.  Life was all consuming with Zach’s illness and we longed for a normal that we were never going to get.

Adam and I started Griefshare sometime in August, I believe.  During this weekly class, Adam and I developed a relationship with the leaders, who have lost an 18 year old daughter, who told us about a respite retreat that Nancy and David Guthrie held.  They are authors of several books and the hosts for the new Griefshare videos.  They have gone through the heartache of two children blessed to go be with God.  They get it; they walked the life and are walking the life that we are walking now.  It was described as a respite retreat that 12 couples would have the opportunity to go.  I have to admit when I first heard I thought, well we don’t need respite now, Zach is in heaven.  I don’t need that now, I need to get better; I need the loss of Zach to be easier, not all consuming not trapping me.  However, I went home and I looked it up and after reading about it I felt like God was saying do you trust ME??? So Adam and I signed up to go, I honestly thought that we wouldn’t be selected to go. 

Well we were and after a few emails with Nancy I was really feeling like God was telling us that this was what we needing to so.  We made plans, Aden was going to be with his Mamaw and Papaw, he was super excited and Adam and I figured out what to pack.  I got super sick the Wednesday night before we left and Adam got sick the Thursday before we left.  We made it there and we were instantly surrounded by love, Nancy came up to me and she knew my name and asked about Adam and his job.  I was floored right there that she remembered and that without saying my name she knew me.

The couples that were there were God ordained to be there, we all had a connection, I am sure that we were more reserved that we normally are, I know that I am as the verbal words are so hard for me and that I am dealing with ups and downs that I can’t explain.  However, I got to meet many that got it, The conversations were not derailed at the 1^st mention of a child that had died.  Adam and I got to talk and share with people that we didn’t have to worry about explaining that Zach was sick and that a diseased named Mito took his life.   We learned about half of the stories that night and then the other half the next morning… touched by God’s work in their lives, I listened.  Amazed that some of these couples had faith so strong and that they seemed so put together and it sealed this longing in my heart, this longing to become closer to God and to fill my heart with God and to remember that Adam is my love, without him I would be lost. 

We had time to connect but we also got to reconnect with each other, knowing that our 8^th anniversary was Feb. 21^st, I was going to treat this as our anniversary trip, to show Adam how much he means to me and that he is the LOVE of my life, that without him life surely would be difficult.  On that Saturday, Adam and I went for a walk and we started a conversation that we actually started the week before, it was super cold and we were frozen but the conversation was worth it.  Then there was a session that we were part of about each of us…. This is when we focused on us and it was amazing that we had started this conversation before this session.

By the end of our time, we were touched, emotionally tired, and focused more on the fact that in order to move on we needed to let Zach be gone, let him stay in Heaven, he isn’t here anymore and that we needed to be focused on God as a couple since He is the one that put us together.  We were introduced to 11 couples that got it and that we were blessed to get to know and to learn from them.  Through these couples we realized our value and worth were in tangible things (earthly or societal) and not the God of the Universe.  We are now seeking God daily for His measuring stick of value and worth. That the things that we have done or gone through are not the things that define us or make us, we aren’t as good as all the good or as bad as all the bad things.  We are who God made us to be.  To design our new roles and our new positions to be Godly ones and not ones that we feel, we don’t want to define ourselves through Zach’s life or death, jobs, or anything else.  Our Roles and our Worth is what God has for us not what we want for our lives.