Tuesday, February 14, 2012

A kiss from heaven...

It has been 8 months since Zach went to be with God, it was a day that I was hoping to make it through without crying.  It is a happy day for so many, a day filled with special items and love all around.  I wanted to not cry, not that crying is bad but because I wanted to be okay.  I got up and I got Aden to school.  I realize that I left half of the stuff at home, which is okay I thought…. I could just bring it the next class day.  Then I realized that I left more stuff, I was horribly upset but figured I couldn’t do anything so I would just deal.  Then I found out how sugar affected all of our little ones, my son included, it was like a crazy wonderful mess. 

Before one of our students left he came running in with some things…. 1st let me tell you… 8 months ago Zach died, Zach loved the color brown and orange, not common colors for children but for some reason he LOVED them and I didn’t try to change his mind.  When I do activities in class I try to pick one of those colors so I can remember him, as if I will forget but it has helped soothe my heart.  Today this student comes running back in with a box of chocolate, a card, and a rose.  I was 1st honored just to get something but then I looked down and saw the color of the rose it was an Orange Rose.  The other teacher got Red, I got ORANGE…. I stood in awe, trying not to cry because I was amazed.  One of the teachers told me it is like a kiss from Zach…. YES A KISS FROM MY SWEET BOY!!!

8 months is too long, well 8 months is beyond too long but I am learning new things every day.  I am trying to rest in God and know that it is all okay, for now all I know is that I hurt.  I was challenged with finding out, looking inside and finding what I needed help on and ask the people that I trust that are safe people with those things.  I never realized that admitting that you need help is so hard, maybe because I don’t want to be counted as silly or stupid, maybe because I think that I am supposed to do it on my own but for whatever reason, I am struggling with this too and it makes me feel very sad.  I realize that I am human and I realize that I have things that I need and things that I need to work on but it is very humbling to know that I struggle with letting people in.  8 months and I feel like I am still at day 1 of his death, I feel like I am different and misunderstood but I also feel like I am stronger than I was and I feel like I am now on this journey that God has placed me on.  I am not kicking and screaming or wishing to be off but instead I am embracing that God is powerful, mighty and loving. 

8 months, cannot erase almost 4 years! I am allowed to hurt and allowed to be sad, I need to realize that and move on, not get stuck.  Love those that I am close to, family and friends.  I need to accept compliments and realize that I am important to some one

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