It has been 8 months since Zach went to be with God, it was a day that I was hoping to make it through without crying. It is a happy day for so many, a day filled with special items and love all around. I wanted to not cry, not that crying is bad but because I wanted to be okay. I got up and I got Aden to school. I realize that I left half of the stuff at home, which is okay I thought…. I could just bring it the next class day. Then I realized that I left more stuff, I was horribly upset but figured I couldn’t do anything so I would just deal. Then I found out how sugar affected all of our little ones, my son included, it was like a crazy wonderful mess.
Before one of our students left he came running in with some things…. 1st let me tell you… 8 months ago Zach died, Zach loved the color brown and orange, not common colors for children but for some reason he LOVED them and I didn’t try to change his mind. When I do activities in class I try to pick one of those colors so I can remember him, as if I will forget but it has helped soothe my heart. Today this student comes running back in with a box of chocolate, a card, and a rose. I was 1st honored just to get something but then I looked down and saw the color of the rose it was an Orange Rose. The other teacher got Red, I got ORANGE…. I stood in awe, trying not to cry because I was amazed. One of the teachers told me it is like a kiss from Zach…. YES A KISS FROM MY SWEET BOY!!!
8 months is too long, well 8 months is beyond too long but I am learning new things every day. I am trying to rest in God and know that it is all okay, for now all I know is that I hurt. I was challenged with finding out, looking inside and finding what I needed help on and ask the people that I trust that are safe people with those things. I never realized that admitting that you need help is so hard, maybe because I don’t want to be counted as silly or stupid, maybe because I think that I am supposed to do it on my own but for whatever reason, I am struggling with this too and it makes me feel very sad. I realize that I am human and I realize that I have things that I need and things that I need to work on but it is very humbling to know that I struggle with letting people in. 8 months and I feel like I am still at day 1 of his death, I feel like I am different and misunderstood but I also feel like I am stronger than I was and I feel like I am now on this journey that God has placed me on. I am not kicking and screaming or wishing to be off but instead I am embracing that God is powerful, mighty and loving.
8 months, cannot erase almost 4 years! I am allowed to hurt and allowed to be sad, I need to realize that and move on, not get stuck. Love those that I am close to, family and friends. I need to accept compliments and realize that I am important to some one