Thursday, February 2, 2012

There is a peace I’ve come to know…

I don’t even know where to start, cause while there is a peace that I know, a peace that I know is given from God there is also hurt in ways that many don’t understand.  God has been so wonderful to be gracious and answer prayers.  I needed to be able to talk about and confess some of the emotions that I have been going through.  It was a hard thing for me… the reason why is because I have been told so many negative things, while I know that I don’t need to pay attention on the same hand it hurt badly to try to open up again.  So I prayed that God will show me who and if I needed to talk to others.  I needed to know by name, so I wouldn’t doubt and worry.  So praying after about a week, God gave me some names and then it was no longer who I needed to talk to and be honest with but how.  HOW do I do this?

I have been told, this is just a few of the ones that I have been told...

I have been told that I don’t want to be okay; well truth is there is nothing that I want more.  I have to also wonder who gets to decide what okay looks like.  Who gets to say that everything is okay or that things are going right?  This is something that is so hard to deal with because each and every moment can be different.  It comes in waves, it hits in ways that can be seen but also in ways that might be hidden.

I have been told that I don’t believe in God enough; well truth is that I do believe and I do know that things will be okay, it will just take time.  Sometimes the things are going on has nothing to do with my belief but on the belief that it is all done to be for God’s glory.

I have been told that I don’t care about others, that I put myself above others, well truth is that I care more about others and their emotions than I do about my own.  I have focused on others so much that I have forgotten about me.

I have been told that I haven’t prayed enough, well truth is there isn’t a day that I haven’t prayed and believed in my heart that God is listening.  I believe that God is there and that God knows, I believe that things are sometimes beyond what I can think and even know it is beyond what I can comprehend.  

There are many things that I am trying to learn and trying to figure out.  I am working on being positive about it all.  I stepped out and I started to do what God has told me to do.  To be open, honest, and truthful.  People can’t help if they don’t know.  So as my blog continues, my whole heart is at peace but my emotions and the struggles that I have are still there.  I have to figure out if I want the whole world to see, just a few to know, or none.  Do I want to open myself up to be told something else again?  Sometimes I wonder if I understand, if I know what is going on in my heart.  Sometimes I doubt it all but not because of God but because of me, I know God is able but it is me that I doubt.  When it is all said and done I want to be an AMAZING wife, mom and friend.  I want to make a difference.

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