So it we have 20 mins till it is time for the date to change again. It will become June 2nd, it doesn't seem possible that it is June again. As June 14th draws closer I instantly think of all the things that we went through that the rest of the world doesn't know. Most of it because zach being so sick caused them to run the other way.
Why am I typing about this because I had a converstation with another mom recently... She was confessing some of the dark, horrible, guilty emotions that special needs moms have but even more those that have had a child die feel. When I look back I have had the same converstation with multiple parents both moms and dads, it is something that each one of us bury and hide. We feel like we are the only ones that feel the same way we feel?
I firmly believe that by being blessed with Zach's life I was given a mission.. That mission is that no person ever feels like they are alone. I had people around me but I never felt like I had a network of people that knew the emotional roller coaster that we were on. Because of this I reach out more now than ever trying to make sure that people know I am here to talk, cry or vent. That I can be reached by Facebook, text, email or however they need.
So as June 1st closes and I know most that read this blog don't have a clue of the emotions that my family is facing I would like to spill a little...
- each person each family that goes through things have different emotions about what we are going through. In a case like ours, we knew zach was sick. We knew that we one day would lose him to his disease. We, however, we were NOT expected for it to be so soon. We didn't expect him to die before his 4th birthday. Many other families live through knowing that one day it would happen but are blindsided when it happens, we live in disbelief that we can't just go to their room and hug our child. Live longing to hear their voice and to hear their laughter
-we often have emotions that we are embarassed about surrounding the hours before and after their death. We get physically ill and have to leave the room, we have emotional breakdowns, we can't function properly. We don't eat, sleep, bathe or do anything that the rest of the world feels like we should. One mom got physically and violently ill so she refused to go near her son the night he died. One mom said she told the doctors to stop treatment, to stop CPR. One mom asked her husband to be with her son because she didn't want to lay in bed with him another night. One mom asked God, begged God for it to end, never realizing that for it to end it meant that she would give the biggest sacrifice...his life! We get embarassed and hide our emotions because we are scared of being judged of being the only one that felt that way. Reality is we are not alone, if we are honest, we all have those emotions
- please remember this is not over for us, just because another year has gone it doesn't mean that we miss him any less. He is still our baby and we are reminded all of the things that we went through. Decisions no one wants to make, friendships that ended, how life changed. Wondering what we would be doing if our child was alive, what would life look like, what would they be into, what would they look like. We are reminded daily that our lives are missing an amazing life
- please remember that each milestone that you can possibly think about is going to bring tears or thoughts that you can't erase by saying "he is in heaven and is ok". I have spent a while now trying to be okay tht my little baby will never graduate from kindergarten, yes I know he isn't hurting but I am reminded by the world he isnt here. However, I also know that I will have another milestone that will hurt. Last year it was Aden realizing that his new friends didn't believe that he wasn't an only child. How does a 7 year old prove that he has a brother in heaven? Have you ever had to do that?
It is now June 2nd and I realize while the rest of the world zips by and kept moving, while they are not effected by Zach's death, my household remembers Zachary. My household remembers his love, his amazing attitude. We remember how we felt, how sick he was, we remember how his life started going downhill and when our reality changed forever. We remember him fighting till the end. We will remember how amazing Zachary was, his smile, his life, his stickers and his cupcakes.