Monday, June 10, 2013

4 days...

I went from 8 days to 4 days... I have opened the page to type on the iPad and closed it again.  I have opened it on the desktop and closed it again.  I have drafts saved just in case I thought that I could get back to it.  I opened the iPad again and here I am, typing othe iPad means my typing is sketchy.

I have had a great week filled with friends and family.  No one really speaking of the 14th but it sometimes feels like an elephant in the room, not just a little baby gray one but a huge purple, lime green and hot pink one with orange polka dots.  People not wanting to say anything but just supporting and people acting like things never happend.  I was great happy and wonderful, then realized that I am sitting in my living room.  Sitting here wondering what my little Boy would look like, if he would have new words, if he would still love cupcakes and stickers so much.  I realized that my emotions are for the world to see, try to give advice and to deal with.  They are by far my emotions that no one can change.

Tonight I'm a tad jaded I guess, I see commercials and shows about cancer and it makes me want to scream, cancer isn't the only thing that kills.  How about the diseases that do not have a treatment or a cure?  What about the ones that take lives long before they should be old enough to worry about things?  How about diseases that a common cold can make them so sick that they die? How about those that can't eat food because their bodies think that it is something that is attacking them?  How about the diseases that your bodies have decide if it can breathe or hold your head up?

Now please forgive me cancer is important.. I have friends fighting breast cancer and my mom lost her battle to brain cancer.  I know that cancer sucks and destroys.  I just think if thre is no treatment and no cure why does no one know about mitochondrial disease? Why isn't anyone trying to find a treatment?  Yes a cure would be great but a treatment to know that you are trying to treat it would be nice.  Why did we fight so hard and yet zach lost his battle with mito.  Zach had mito but mito didn't have him... I remind myself of this a lot.

See I'm now almost two years past his death, 4 days in fact, the rest of the world is moving and carrying on.  I would say most have forgotten. I have plenty that don't even know that I have two children, much less who zach is.  I still remember bringing zach home, having a party, having love ones hold him, having special people drop by and love on him.  I remember the influx of people that we had and for a short period of time the huge support we had.  Then I also remember turning off the machine, making phone calls, picking songs, asking people to carry my son, motorcycle escorts.  Trying to figure out what to put at a graveside of a boy, what flowers are right? There are none, it isn't natural to buy flowers for your almost 4year old son.  Buying a present for a birthday yes, buying flowers for his grave or making an arrangement no!

So in 4 days  we will take a second a day to remember Zachary.  Those that knew him or knew of him will remember what he loved, his smile and the battle he fought.  We will walk during that day tall... I carried my hero in my arms.  I walked beside him and learned what it means to fight, to give life every bit of love and joy you have.  I learned what it meant to touch every person I came in contact with.    Truth is there is not a day that I don't.  I cant simply put his things away.  I can't simply stop thinking of him.  I will always be reminded of him and he will always be my son.  Truth is in four days the pain, sorrow and thoughts tht most reading this will have are just a fraction of what his daddy, brother, papaw, mamaw, uncle and I face on daily basis.

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