Random thoughts

Have you ever just hit a moment and feel like I am done, everything is overwhelming , you are tired of everything happening and you want to be okay and have things settle down for a bit?   There are moments that you can literally look back and wonder how in the world did I make it through all the things that happened.  There are moments when you just sit down and sigh wondering how in the world you move on to the next moment.  Moments when your brain just needs help wrapping around everything.

.The fact that in a few days it will be 10 years since my mother died after a yearlong hard battle with brain cancer, this hit a week after 17 months of my son fighting an almost 4 year battle with mitochondrial disease.  I often look back and say how did I do school and help take care of my mother and date at the same time? I often think how did I be a wife and a mother and take care of a child that needed a full time nurse?  It has taught me to Praise God in the storm, that when I need to cry to cry, to try to let others help when I need it.  Often that is hard, I am not good at asking for help but I am getting better, I am getting better at realizing that God has an ultimate plan for each one of us.  I have definitely learned that I have some skills that are very special.  I have learned that I have important people in my live that without all of the things that have happened in my life I wouldn’t be able to touch people the way that I do.

Today I was thinking about all the things that have happened and all of the things that I need to do. Things about the blessings that I have and the things that are hard.  One of the biggest things that I need to do is make flowers for Zach’s grave, I know that I don’t go enough to his grave but I know that he deserves to have flowers at his grave.  What types of flowers are appropriate for a 3 year boy? What colors? However, it is hard to think that it is okay to be shopping for flowers for my 3 year olds grave! I just have to remind myself that it isn’t okay it is the ultimate plan that God had and Zach was honored enough to get be there with Him.  I often wonder what they are doing in heaven. I know that they get to Praise God face to face which has to be an AMAZING thing! However, what else do they do? How much fun is it to be in Heaven? I can’t imagine.  Does it feel like an everlasting overnight slumber party?  Does the joy just radiate and ooze off of everyone?

Then there are all the other things that come and go and it makes everyday life interesting, fun and busy!  Emotions come and go, Good and Bad!

Holidays

I have written about this several times but today I am writing about it because it is so raw and so there that it is difficult.  Grief is a cycle, a wave of emotions that sometimes come and hit us when we are least expecting it.  Sometimes the waves are good, laughter and good thoughts.  Sometimes the waves are hard and difficult.

Today I was hit by a wave of emotions after hearing a very special person who has to perform a memorial service tomorrow for a little infant; there is NO worse pain than that.  I was hit by a wave of emotion by looking at how amazing Aden is becoming, a good friend who is amazingly compassionate.  I was hit by a wave emotion, good and hard, realizing that Thanksgiving and Christmas will come no matter what I do and say.  So I could decide to sit here, cry, and bury my head or I could choose to live each day walking with smiles.  So I decided to stop and think about the holidays… why do we celebrate them? What do they mean?  I thought about it and cried about it and wondered what is the next step? 

Thanksgiving…. Being thankful for all of the things that we have in our lives and sometimes what we are thankful that we don’t have in our lives.  Joining around a table to laugh and to celebrate being part of something, enjoying talking and looking at ads or watching football, having people that love us and that are here for us.  When Adam and I first got married we decided that we would have an open door home.  This meant that if someone needed a place to go, someone to talk to, or something we could provide we would try our best to do that.  I have had people come because they needed my help with a crisis and we have had people come because their family wasn’t in town.  The Holidays are this to us to… we strive to provide a place that everyone feels comfortable, as we have friends with a little one that they have never gotten to hold, ones who love ones are fighting over seas, ones fighting through cancer, ones that are fighting major depression, ones that are like us that are dealing with missing loved ones.  We want to be there to cry on, laugh on, and take each wave of our lives.  We choose to not just be there for the good times but to also be there for the hard times.  I choose to remember that God always holds me in His hands, that I am his and that He sings over me! I am worth it, No matter the emotions that I have, God loves me and He will always protect me!

Christmas… The birth of Jesus! The birth of a baby that changes everything, I am sure that Mary wondered “why me?” I am sure that she was scared that she would mess things up and that she wasn’t good enough for the life that God gave her!  I am sure that she was scared and worried.  Jesus, a baby that was born and placed in a container that was made for feed, who was perfect and who choose to die for my sins so I could be united one day with God…for me, Jesus died for me!  God gave up the ultimate sacrifice for me.  He understands what it feels like to have had a son die; God turned his back on his son because of sin, what pain god must have felt? And so why am I here talking about this?  It’s simple… there isn’t an emotion that God doesn’t understand and that is what I am choosing to remember today.  That as I am hurting and wishing that we could continue the traditions that we had with a family of four but truth is I can’t do those… We are an earthly family of 3!  Last year I was okay with doing things and this year Christmas brings me to tears.  I have decided that I want to start new traditions and love on each other in ways that people looking in can’t deny. 

Walking through this Holiday season I am remembering that I can choose to make a difference, I can be here for all that need me, I can love on all that I know, I can cry and I will be okay!

Thankful for....

One by one I have been counting my blessings… I have been thinking of all the things that I have to be thankful for that people understand or know about and then I have also been thinking about all of the things that people don’t know about. There are things that no matter how silly they are we can be thankful for them.

I am thankful for text simply because it allows me to be able to stay connected when I am forever away from people who know and understand my heart.  Texting first thing in the morning to say I am praying for you or that I love you.  Texting late at night because I can’t sleep or because someone needs to talk.  Staying connected with each other while in the doctor’s office, work or traveling.  

I am thankful for the dinner table or a table that we gather around for a meal because without it the conversations and the laughs that we have will be far different.  I cherish the times that I have had family and friends around the table and we get to laugh, talk and enjoy.  There is rarely a better feeling than that!

I am thankful for friends that guide my heart into things that I would have never known about without them.  One of the things in particular is Compassion International.  I would have never known that I could make a difference without a friend introducing me to it.  I would never be able to understand families of 8 living on less than $2.00 a month.   

Then there are the little things that just make me happy… glitter, butterflies, fingernail polish, colorful toenails, twix bars, seeing a friend, cupcakes, tea from QT, tutus and smiles! 

Thankful for...

I haven’t done as much writing as I would like lately… I have to say this is because I have been sick, Adam has been sick, I have had things come up that took my attention and that by the end of the day I was totally exhausted. 

November is a month that we very often think about all the things that we are thankful for… I just got finished reading a book that is 1000 gifts, this book talks about being thankful for everything, it was very much written to explain how if we look at things as gifts we will realize how blessed we are.  So for now I am starting of listing the one item a day but I am finding myself being thankful for things that I know others won’t understand.

Thankful for family, Thankful for the sun and for the clouds, Thankful for texting, Thankful for tears, thankful that the tears end, thankful for endings, thankful for cupcakes, Thankful for legos, thankful for stickers, thankful for glitter,  thankful for peace, thankful for friends, thankful for well you get the point…. I am also realizing that I am also thankful that I was given a huge support group that I can’t imagine life without.

I am going to try to be thankful for the little things… who is with me? Anyone willing to step out with me and say that they often will complain and fuss verses seeing all of the blessings that we have been given.  How many gifts/blessings can you be thankful for today?