I have written about this several times but today I am writing about it because it is so raw and so there that it is difficult. Grief is a cycle, a wave of emotions that sometimes come and hit us when we are least expecting it. Sometimes the waves are good, laughter and good thoughts. Sometimes the waves are hard and difficult.
Today I was hit by a wave of emotions after hearing a very special person who has to perform a memorial service tomorrow for a little infant; there is NO worse pain than that. I was hit by a wave of emotion by looking at how amazing Aden is becoming, a good friend who is amazingly compassionate. I was hit by a wave emotion, good and hard, realizing that Thanksgiving and Christmas will come no matter what I do and say. So I could decide to sit here, cry, and bury my head or I could choose to live each day walking with smiles. So I decided to stop and think about the holidays… why do we celebrate them? What do they mean? I thought about it and cried about it and wondered what is the next step?
Thanksgiving…. Being thankful for all of the things that we have in our lives and sometimes what we are thankful that we don’t have in our lives. Joining around a table to laugh and to celebrate being part of something, enjoying talking and looking at ads or watching football, having people that love us and that are here for us. When Adam and I first got married we decided that we would have an open door home. This meant that if someone needed a place to go, someone to talk to, or something we could provide we would try our best to do that. I have had people come because they needed my help with a crisis and we have had people come because their family wasn’t in town. The Holidays are this to us to… we strive to provide a place that everyone feels comfortable, as we have friends with a little one that they have never gotten to hold, ones who love ones are fighting over seas, ones fighting through cancer, ones that are fighting major depression, ones that are like us that are dealing with missing loved ones. We want to be there to cry on, laugh on, and take each wave of our lives. We choose to not just be there for the good times but to also be there for the hard times. I choose to remember that God always holds me in His hands, that I am his and that He sings over me! I am worth it, No matter the emotions that I have, God loves me and He will always protect me!
Christmas… The birth of Jesus! The birth of a baby that changes everything, I am sure that Mary wondered “why me?” I am sure that she was scared that she would mess things up and that she wasn’t good enough for the life that God gave her! I am sure that she was scared and worried. Jesus, a baby that was born and placed in a container that was made for feed, who was perfect and who choose to die for my sins so I could be united one day with God…for me, Jesus died for me! God gave up the ultimate sacrifice for me. He understands what it feels like to have had a son die; God turned his back on his son because of sin, what pain god must have felt? And so why am I here talking about this? It’s simple… there isn’t an emotion that God doesn’t understand and that is what I am choosing to remember today. That as I am hurting and wishing that we could continue the traditions that we had with a family of four but truth is I can’t do those… We are an earthly family of 3! Last year I was okay with doing things and this year Christmas brings me to tears. I have decided that I want to start new traditions and love on each other in ways that people looking in can’t deny.
Walking through this Holiday season I am remembering that I can choose to make a difference, I can be here for all that need me, I can love on all that I know, I can cry and I will be okay!