I choose

I have been absent from typing simply because life got busy.  Things got hectic and well I thought maybe life was better without my few words that I tried to put into a logical sense for the world to read.  Then I was looking at something and I found pictures from the blog, they didn’t have words with them, they simply were the pictures and my heart started doing all sorts of things.  I was happy, sad, touched, hurt… well everything.  Pictures that I miss because they are of a smiling boy, well in many cases of smiles boys.  My life…. My boys!

Life has changed: I have an amazing husband who now has his B.B.A, his Masters, and his C.P.A license, I have a son who just turned 9, who now can read and hold conversations and is amazingly awesome. I know I am biased and that is okay.  I am now working and have a classroom of 21 new little ones (of chickadees and muchkins).  I have a family who walks the world for us and that I know we are taken care of and I have a best friend who I couldn’t imagine life without and who helps me more than anyone knows.  Yet on top of this I have a son who was blessed to go to Heaven.  I know he is there, my best friend while she never met him knows that he is there and helps me know that it is okay to hurt and even more okay to be happy.  Yes, life moves on! Life moves on even for me. 

Sometimes I still feel like time is stopped only for me, that the pain is so real and so painful that I can’t breathe without feeling like I am going to have my chest shatter.  Sometimes I still get mad at people who seem to think cancer is the only way to die or that certain things are better/worse to die of.  However, I can see that life moves.  Good happens, God’s grace is evident   I won’t sit here and pretend that I don’t miss people or that everything is always good.  However, I can tell you that I am stronger, that I will be always be moving towards touching as many lives as I can.  I strive to let others know that they are not alone and that no matter what they are never in it by themselves.  Its okay to hurt to be mad to want it to change but it is okay to celebrate birthdays and to see good in bad situations. 

I will look at the pictures and I will see hope, I will see joy and I will see love!

Pouring my heart out:

One of my best friends just had a life changing event, one that she will one day recover from but she will always be changed.  It is something that changes her and makes her wonder if she could have done something different or if she was bad.  One day she simply texted me and told me that the little one that was growing inside her is no longer alive.  Without warning the excitement and joy of being pregnant again, of having another precious one was ripped away from her.  She was only weeks pregnant, I say that like it makes it better.  Deep down I know, well no I don’t I assume, there is nothing that will make it better.  You simply develop a new normal.  Whatever that means, I know that I can love her, support her, listen to her without judgment and hold her when she needs me too.  I pray daily that she knows how much I love her and that I AM here. I listened to her as she tried to get meds from the pharmacist and the days as her body did what it needed to do.  My heart broke and I suddenly realized that I had no idea how hard it was. That this was one more thing that over the 30 years we have shared together

The other day I was thinking about her, I was thinking about what we do when we unexpectedly loose a child, what do we do if we know that we will be losing someone that we love.  For some unknown reason a page popped up in my newsfeed on FaceBook.  It was of a beautiful couple whom I don’t know holding a baby that didn’t survive outside of the womb.  They were holding each other in a beautiful picture that I can say they will never get a chance to make again, made in the hospital right after birth.  This organization is called “Now I lay me down to sleep” (www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org).  They (the photographers) go into the hospital at a time when tears and heartbreak is common.  They provide pictures for the family.  Ones that they can look at whenever they may feel ready no matter when that may be.  Some rejoice in having that special family picture immediately some have to wait years before they come to a point in their grief to accept it.   

My friend’s baby was too young for this service but I found it touching that this was offered and wondered if someone else that I knew may need this service at some point.  I wanted to spread the word and make sure people know that no matter what happens they are not alone.

See I still don’t know what to tell my friend, HONESTLY, I have no idea what it feels like to carry a baby in your womb and then have it die before you even get to deliver.  I look at the picture that is over my mantle and think that is the last family picture that I will have of my whole family.  It was taken two days before Zachary died.  It calms my heart, so what do I say to my Best friend who will not have that.  I am sorry “dirt” that I don’t have the words.  I am sorry I don’t know what to say, I am sorry that I can’t help somehow.  I don’t know what to do or say but I can tell you what I do know:

·       Losing a child is never comfortable, it is never okay.

·       Once you lose a child you lose part of your heart, it will forever be longing.

·       It doesn’t matter how old the child, you will always wonder what life would be like.

·       It doesn’t matter how much time you have with your child, once they are gone, it HURTS more than you can explain, your world stops and you have develop a new sense of normal.

 

I love you “dirt” and I am delighted that over all the years I am still here with you! I will always be here

Mountains, Molehill!

There are moments when you just kinda curl up, pulling your knees up to your chin and hide under the covers praying that no one sees you or needs you.  In our society we have phrases that let others know that we are struggling with things.  The main phrase runs through my head right now is “making hills out of molehills”  We often use this phrase when dealing with something negative, mostly when people can’t handle a situation.  I, however, would like to challenge you to use this phrase positively. 

Immediately after Zach died we took one 9x12 box full of items and took them to the hospital to be given to others that were in the hospital and facing times like we were no longer going to get to have.  In that moment on that day when I will admit I wanted to do nothing but curl up and hide, I wanted to try to touch more than just me.  I tried to reach outside of myself and touch others, to remind them that they weren’t alone and honestly that well it was worth it. 

Fast forward to 2014, 3 years later and I can say I think that molehill, I mean 9x12 box, has become a huge mountain.  This year I prayed that we could touch as many lives as possible, that we could touch Moms, Dads, Brothers, Sisters and Patients themselves.  I prayed that we would touch Doctors and Nurses.  I prayed that we would touch anyone that might need a smile or a simple reminder that they were not alone. 

In praying this, I took action, I emailed and facebooked my heart out.  Asking everyone to pray, to donate items and to make a different even if was just for one person.  I was immediately amazed to get my first box of items donated.  The box was full of items, it was more than one life touched.  I thought “ok God Thank you!” and I thought it would be done.  Well as my pleas went out and things straggled in I was worried that this was the year that time went on.

See one of the hardest things about losing someone that you love is that the world goes one.  The people that flooded you at the funeral leave, those that helped are gone and you’re left picking up pieces.  I was worried that this would be the year that my sweet strong amazing little boy would be forgotten not because people forgot him but because time moved on.  People got busy, money got tight, Children got older and well time flies by. 

Then one day I got a text, simply saying “I need to talk to yall”  Yall being Adam, my husband, and myself, after several hours and several texts later I was shocked to think that my church was going to use Remembering Zachary as the missions project.  Now if you know anything about VBS and penny wars, this was and is a huge deal.  Every night we took Aden and we went to VBS, we worked and listened to the lessons that were being taught, listening to their goal in awe.  God is faithful to complete that which He starts, and truthfully I was praying for $100 maybe $200.  Then it hits me that they were not just doing pennies but they were collecting some of the items that could be used at the hospital as well.  Not only was that but my mountain was built even more as I was asked if the children could help fill some of the bags and if they could be involved. 

This morning, Tara Baptist Church ended their VBS in the morning service.  The mission is explained to everyone that is there, since not everyone makes it to VBS and a total was given.  The total was $500.85, this alone shocked me, really, you’re kidding me right! That is huge.  Well see my mountain wasn’t tall enough, this isn’t the end of this story.  The God that made Zachary perfect, that loved him enough and blessed him by allowing him to die, wasn’t done yet.  Walking out of the doors I was grabbed and asked if I had heard the new total… “Yes, it was announced” her response…”no, that wasn’t it, want a new total?” Now I thought one or two more dollars maybe fifty dollars.

Nope God made my molehill, my little to do about nothing, and made it huge, a huge huge mountain.  Grand total was $871.42  Now I will Confess I had no clue that God would bless us so much that God would give us a mountain, that we would be able to touch so many but I am reminded God can do anything that if you ask Him and if you are in His will, He will be faithful.

 

Tara people: THANK you!!!! I am beyond blessed and shocked at everything that was donated, thank you for allowing us to share about Zachary and to be reminded that he was very much part of the church.  Thank you for missing him, loving him and caring about us!  Thank you for allowing us to share love and smiles to so many more people than we ever know. 

Times....

There are times that we simply have to sit and wonder about things…. Each of us do this.  Sometimes we simply wonder how an old friend us doing or what would have happened if we chose to go into a different field.  As parents we wonder if we are empowering our children to be successful and productive citizens of their communities.  As children we wonder why our parents had ways for us to do things, if there was a reason behind it or if it was simply how things happen. 

I can go back and I can think as younger adult I can remember wondering about if I would finish school and be successful, if I would ever live on my own successfully, I knew that I would but I wanted to be successful and not struggling to make ends meet.  I wondered if I was going to ever date, marry, and have a family. 

I can as an older adult (not calling myself or anyone else old) I can say that I still very much wonder about things… I wonder how things work together, I mean I know that everything that is occurring or everything that has occurred all is orchestrated by God’s hands.  Not only is it orchestrated and planned by God but it is for a reason. 

Now I can type that I did in fact graduate from high school and I even got a B.S. in College, I did marry a wonderful man and gained an amazing family with his love, I have been given amazing friends that have become part of my family.  I do work and make a difference in lives, and I was in fact given one of the most amazing, touching, rewarding, difficult gifts in the world.  I was chosen to be a Mother.

As a mother the looking back on how life could be different happens all the time.  It isn’t always serious life changing things that we wonder about but as a mom we do.  What would have happened if I had let them sleep longer? Why couldn’t she have just worn what I wanted her to? Why did my son have to wear his super hero pjs again out? Why can’t I get things done?   For a few Mom’s that I know those things that we worry about are a tad more serious.  Do we do this surgery? Do we take the summer off of therapy? Do we tell people how sick they are? What do we tell the family?  For a few of my friends they have the overwhelmingly painful experience of having a miscarriage.  For those their tender hearts not only wonder but they doubt… Am I good enough? Will it happen? Did I do something wrong? Do I share with people that I lost a baby?

This week is a week that I wonder a lot… I used to think that Birthdays were the only time that people really sat and wondered about what happened, is happening or what might have been.  I have learned in the past 3 years that in death we do the same thing.  I would like to make this clear before I even start. I know where Zach is, I know that since he is blessed enough to be in heaven, he is healed and whole.  However, in knowing that doesn’t take away that it has been a while since I have had my baby in my arms, loved on him, heard his voice, touched his skin, heard his giggle or taken care of him.

I wonder what he would be doing.  I wonder if he would be sicker or if he would have stabled out? I wonder if he would have new equipment, I wonder if he would have finally made friends, I wonder if he would enjoy school,  I wonder if he would be talking more, if he would still be into elmo or if his big brother would have introduced him to a new character, I wonder if cupcakes would still be his thing, I wonder if his smile would have gotten bigger. I wonder if people still remember that I have two children, if I should say that I have two and go through why one isn’t here with me.  I wonder… yes, I wonder.

I also look back and see all that we have been blessed with…. I am blessed that our family endured illness, treatments and death together all a whole and became stronger.  We didn’t say we wouldn’t or couldn’t handle it and no one walked out.  I am blessed that I have an amazingly in tuned son, who doesn’t see disabilities or differences.  I am blessed that I have gained some friends that go through things that on one will ever know but still show up every chance we get to love on me.  I am blessed that God has given me the ability to love and grow and become stronger. 

This week I am blessed to be able to go back and look at pictures and read about events that swirled around quickly in 2011.  I get to see pictures of going to pick up an amazing cake made by one friend, commissioned by another friend, and brought to our area by another friend,  See that is a confusing sentence!  3 separate friends working together to help us do something that we didn’t know how important it would be at the time.  I get to see pictures of our Make a Wish trip, to see smiles and the love that we shared during our last trip being a family of 4.  I get to see my husband loving on my son and the smiles, the love that I miss and I know that he does as well.  I get to see me holding him at one of the last family outings that we made breakfast at IHOP. I get to see pictures of people coming in and out of our home to loving on us. 

I do have a ton of questions and I still have days filled with hurt and tears.  However, I have a lot to remember and a lot to be thankful for

Mother's Day

My dear sweet boy,

In my head you are still almost 4, however, I realized lately that you will almost be 7 years old this year.  I can’t believe it. It is almost Mother’s day.  It is almost to the anniversary of your death, the date that you were blessed to go see Jesus and be in the presence of God.  It is almost to another birthday, to your 7^th one.  To almost everyone else these are just ordinary dates, ordinary boring days.  To me, thou it is a reminder that I had something that I was extremely blessed with taken from me.  I know where you are so I don’t consider myself to have lost you although lately I can’t help but wonder what did I lose?  So another Mother’s day with you in Heaven, another day with you with my mom and surrounded by the loving caring amazing God in Heaven. 

I wonder if you are celebrating in heaven with my mom…. Are there cupcakes and skittles at every meal? Have you managed to put stickers all over heaven?  Do you still have the most amazing smiles? Do you give the most amazing hugs? Are you with my mom? Can you see your brother? Can you hear all the conversations and do you take sides?  Are you sitting by Jesus asking Him to give us 5 more mins?

I wonder what you would be doing if you were still in my arms.  If you would have made it through with kindergarten with friends? Would you know your letters? Your numbers? Would you still have oxygen or TPN? Would you be wheelchair bound or would you be running marathons? Would your heart be filled with the love of those new friends that we have? 

I miss you so much but I also miss my mom… I pray today, this week, this day that you are loving on my mom in a way that she imagined as I was going up.  I pray that you can throw your arms around her and stay in her lap.  I pray that she is able to pull you close.  I pray that you are able to have moments like I did growing up.  Mom Moments that when we are young we don’t realize that they mean so much it is only when it is gone that we realize that we not only loved it but we NEED it. I miss my mom, her hugs, her love, her laughter, her care.  No One cares like your mom.

This year Mother’s day is hard for me, not all because I am missing my son, part of the reason why I am a mom but because I am missing my mom, the reason I am here.  I am blessed to have Aden, the other reason why I am a mom.  I am blessed to have an amazing Mother in Law, I am blessed to have other Woman in my life that matter.  I am blessed to have a husband that loves on me and friends that love on me.  Tears come hard and fast without reason this year.  This is I long to be in my mother’s arms, feeling her love being the only one that matters at that second. 

 

I love you mom! I love you Zach! I pray yall have skittles, a cupcake, enjoy some football and sticker some for me!!

Remembering Zachary

Remembering Zachary and Why we do it!!!

 

I was blessed to at one point be part of the Scottish Rite (CHOA) family in Georgia, I was blessed at one point to be part of the medical world.  I was blessed by having a wonderful and amazing Family.  My son Zachary was the reason why I was blessed to be in the medical world.  Zachary had Mitochondrial disease but mitochondrial disease did NOT have him. Mitochondrial disease effects the mitochondria of the cells.  Every cell of your body no matter who you are have a mitochondria, however, those that have mito have issues with energy production which is what the mitochondria do.  This means every part of the body can be impacted.  Mito looks different in every person that has it and while Zachary was blessed to not have seizures and to be able to walk at times... There is NO treatment and NO cure, which research is hopeful that one day there may be a treatment for Zachary there was no treatment and no cure.   There were times that his body had to decide if it should breath or hold his head up, if it should breath or walk.   His body was tired a lot and so we spent time in the TICU and PICU a lot due to mito crashes but also to infections because his body couldn't make enough energy to fight them off. He had trouble gaining weight and had difficultly growing; at the time of Zach's death he weighed less than most 1 year olds do.  Zachary had lots of tubes and medical equipment throughout his whole life.  During his time at the hospital the hospital staff loved on Zach and often my face of HOPE. 

 

June 14, 2011 after being home less than a week Zachary was blessed to go to heaven and we were left wondering what to do.  We had been given lots of the things that Zachary loved to do but yet he never got to touch it.  On June 15, 2011 we made our way hurt and devastated to see Zach's Favorite Child Life person Lauren with a box of things we wanted to pass on... Barney movies (which was his favorite), Stickers (which was his favorite), coloring books, playdough and a slew of other things.  They were shocked to see us already and truthfully it was hard but we wanted to make a difference.  To pass on the things that were given to Zachary but he never got to enjoy.  To share Zach's legacy

 

It started with one box of items and that box was to share the love that our son was and to hopefully spread hope.  In my heart, I prayed that it would be a smile and that smile would in return be the glimmer of hope that I so needed when I was isolated in the hospital.    Each year I pray that we can collect more than that one box of items in order to pass it on to those that are still living the life that often can be hard and isolating. 

 

We are starting this process now... we hope to have more than the past couple years. There are a number of things on the list and I am letting people know early so we can try to collect as many as possible. Some of the items are going to seem a tad odd and some are going to seem like a given.  To those that have followed us on facebook (https://www.facebook.com/RememberingZachary) in the past thank you!!!! If you are new to this journey please go and like us and help us share the Remembering Zachary. Help us touch as Many people as we possibly can. Following is a list of ideas or items that have been asked for that can help.   Please know that anything helps and even if you can only do one item that is still one child that can be touched.

 

Items Needed:

• Items for parent bags
• Wrapped Protein snacks
• Wrapped  Sweet snacks
• drink mixes
• Items for Staff Appreciation
• Wrapped Snacks of all kinds
• Wrapped Chocolate and other candy
• Drink mixes  
• Stickers
• One piece Infant toys
• Plastic Crib Mobiles (5-10, they must be able to be wiped down and sanitized)
• Playdough and playdough toys
• DVDs for all ages
• Games for all ages
• Puzzles for all ages
• Journals
• Barbies
• Hotwheels
• Legos
• Tattoos
• Coloring Books
• New Books
• Anything Crayola
• iTunes gift cards 
• musical instruments (like egg shakers, small drums, small tambourines)
• homemade pillowcases or new pillowcases

 

 

Please contact me if you have questions or if need to meet up with me. 

I will also be happy to give you my address to ship items and if you would like to send a gift card or a check I will be more than happy to go shopping for you.  You can do site to store as well and I will be happy to pick up just please tell me what location you sent to.  Under each the closest will be listed 1st.

 

Site to Store Ideas:

• Walmart- Lovejoy
• Walmart- Hudson Bridge
• Walmart- Fayetteville
• Walmart- Griffin
• Target- Fayetteville
• Target- Jonesboro Road/McDonough

Communication

 

Communication: Imparting or interchanging thoughts, opinion, or information by speech, writing or signs.  Sharing news, views, or information between people. 

I came across this picture today and it made me think, it made me remember.  The picture said... Just because your child isn't communicating verbally doesn't mean that they are not communicating. I had a son that was considered to be nonverbal but if you knew Zach you knew that he communicating  loud and clear to everyone that was near him.  He smiled, laughed, giggled, he had a twinkle in his eye.  I have known others that can’t verbally say a word but are dearly enjoyed by their family members and friends.

This picture simply reminded me… Body language means a ton! A simple smile, giving your time, reminding someone that they are worth it.  There are many diseases, syndromes, disorders that can cause a person to be nonverbal.  This is where my thoughts are going to change a little so please follow me. 

Do you know who is writing this blog?  Some readers have known me as long as I have been alive and they know all of the things that I have shared.  Some are new and have only known me for a little while.  Some know me through the social word and technology.  Here is a little about me…

                                I was born Sept 28^th and I am an only child

                                I love teal, pink and brown

                                I love love love Sparkly things, glitter…YESSSSS!!!!!!!!! I love Glitter

                                I am married and I have been blessed not only with an amazing man but with an amazing family.

I have always been one that other have come to for help, to talk to, to run ideas by me and to ask for prayer.  I have never been a judger and have often wrapped my arms around people.  But, I have trouble talking about certain things.  In 2007, Zach was born and I was ecstatic.  It wasn’t till we were in the hospital a lot that I noticed… People didn’t have the words to talk to me.  I stopped getting phone calls, emails, cards, visits.  Then I started to try to talk to people about what Zach was going through.  I heard I don’t have the words to say, I don’t know what to say… Truth is none of us do.  Zach got sicker and people went further away.  It wasn’t till Zachary came home on hospice care that I realized how badly certain things were for me.  I no longer heard verbal communication.  People weren’t near us, they were choosing to stay away. 

Communication was being done…Body language, time, resources were painting a picture that I still have in my head some days.  It brought back insecurities that I had.  Fears about talking, speaking, sharing.  Fears on being transparent.  I am still working on getting my verbal communication back but I look at this picture and I think.  I have a family, I have several friends that Communicate with me without using words.  They are allowing me to a few words at a time, build myself back to a person who rejoices to use ALL communication. 

What would I like you to know? Please use all of you to communicate.  Speak to your Children and to others.  Even more so remember that every person is worth being listened to no matter if it is a verbal communication or not. Remember we are ALL worth it!!!