Thursday, July 10, 2014

Pouring my heart out:

One of my best friends just had a life changing event, one that she will one day recover from but she will always be changed.  It is something that changes her and makes her wonder if she could have done something different or if she was bad.  One day she simply texted me and told me that the little one that was growing inside her is no longer alive.  Without warning the excitement and joy of being pregnant again, of having another precious one was ripped away from her.  She was only weeks pregnant, I say that like it makes it better.  Deep down I know, well no I don’t I assume, there is nothing that will make it better.  You simply develop a new normal.  Whatever that means, I know that I can love her, support her, listen to her without judgment and hold her when she needs me too.  I pray daily that she knows how much I love her and that I AM here. I listened to her as she tried to get meds from the pharmacist and the days as her body did what it needed to do.  My heart broke and I suddenly realized that I had no idea how hard it was. That this was one more thing that over the 30 years we have shared together

The other day I was thinking about her, I was thinking about what we do when we unexpectedly loose a child, what do we do if we know that we will be losing someone that we love.  For some unknown reason a page popped up in my newsfeed on FaceBook.  It was of a beautiful couple whom I don’t know holding a baby that didn’t survive outside of the womb.  They were holding each other in a beautiful picture that I can say they will never get a chance to make again, made in the hospital right after birth.  This organization is called “Now I lay me down to sleep” (  They (the photographers) go into the hospital at a time when tears and heartbreak is common.  They provide pictures for the family.  Ones that they can look at whenever they may feel ready no matter when that may be.  Some rejoice in having that special family picture immediately some have to wait years before they come to a point in their grief to accept it.   

My friend’s baby was too young for this service but I found it touching that this was offered and wondered if someone else that I knew may need this service at some point.  I wanted to spread the word and make sure people know that no matter what happens they are not alone.

See I still don’t know what to tell my friend, HONESTLY, I have no idea what it feels like to carry a baby in your womb and then have it die before you even get to deliver.  I look at the picture that is over my mantle and think that is the last family picture that I will have of my whole family.  It was taken two days before Zachary died.  It calms my heart, so what do I say to my Best friend who will not have that.  I am sorry “dirt” that I don’t have the words.  I am sorry I don’t know what to say, I am sorry that I can’t help somehow.  I don’t know what to do or say but I can tell you what I do know:

·       Losing a child is never comfortable, it is never okay.

·       Once you lose a child you lose part of your heart, it will forever be longing.

·       It doesn’t matter how old the child, you will always wonder what life would be like.

·       It doesn’t matter how much time you have with your child, once they are gone, it HURTS more than you can explain, your world stops and you have develop a new sense of normal.


I love you “dirt” and I am delighted that over all the years I am still here with you! I will always be here

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