Times....

There are times that we simply have to sit and wonder about things…. Each of us do this.  Sometimes we simply wonder how an old friend us doing or what would have happened if we chose to go into a different field.  As parents we wonder if we are empowering our children to be successful and productive citizens of their communities.  As children we wonder why our parents had ways for us to do things, if there was a reason behind it or if it was simply how things happen. 

I can go back and I can think as younger adult I can remember wondering about if I would finish school and be successful, if I would ever live on my own successfully, I knew that I would but I wanted to be successful and not struggling to make ends meet.  I wondered if I was going to ever date, marry, and have a family. 

I can as an older adult (not calling myself or anyone else old) I can say that I still very much wonder about things… I wonder how things work together, I mean I know that everything that is occurring or everything that has occurred all is orchestrated by God’s hands.  Not only is it orchestrated and planned by God but it is for a reason. 

Now I can type that I did in fact graduate from high school and I even got a B.S. in College, I did marry a wonderful man and gained an amazing family with his love, I have been given amazing friends that have become part of my family.  I do work and make a difference in lives, and I was in fact given one of the most amazing, touching, rewarding, difficult gifts in the world.  I was chosen to be a Mother.

As a mother the looking back on how life could be different happens all the time.  It isn’t always serious life changing things that we wonder about but as a mom we do.  What would have happened if I had let them sleep longer? Why couldn’t she have just worn what I wanted her to? Why did my son have to wear his super hero pjs again out? Why can’t I get things done?   For a few Mom’s that I know those things that we worry about are a tad more serious.  Do we do this surgery? Do we take the summer off of therapy? Do we tell people how sick they are? What do we tell the family?  For a few of my friends they have the overwhelmingly painful experience of having a miscarriage.  For those their tender hearts not only wonder but they doubt… Am I good enough? Will it happen? Did I do something wrong? Do I share with people that I lost a baby?

This week is a week that I wonder a lot… I used to think that Birthdays were the only time that people really sat and wondered about what happened, is happening or what might have been.  I have learned in the past 3 years that in death we do the same thing.  I would like to make this clear before I even start. I know where Zach is, I know that since he is blessed enough to be in heaven, he is healed and whole.  However, in knowing that doesn’t take away that it has been a while since I have had my baby in my arms, loved on him, heard his voice, touched his skin, heard his giggle or taken care of him.

I wonder what he would be doing.  I wonder if he would be sicker or if he would have stabled out? I wonder if he would have new equipment, I wonder if he would have finally made friends, I wonder if he would enjoy school,  I wonder if he would be talking more, if he would still be into elmo or if his big brother would have introduced him to a new character, I wonder if cupcakes would still be his thing, I wonder if his smile would have gotten bigger. I wonder if people still remember that I have two children, if I should say that I have two and go through why one isn’t here with me.  I wonder… yes, I wonder.

I also look back and see all that we have been blessed with…. I am blessed that our family endured illness, treatments and death together all a whole and became stronger.  We didn’t say we wouldn’t or couldn’t handle it and no one walked out.  I am blessed that I have an amazingly in tuned son, who doesn’t see disabilities or differences.  I am blessed that I have gained some friends that go through things that on one will ever know but still show up every chance we get to love on me.  I am blessed that God has given me the ability to love and grow and become stronger. 

This week I am blessed to be able to go back and look at pictures and read about events that swirled around quickly in 2011.  I get to see pictures of going to pick up an amazing cake made by one friend, commissioned by another friend, and brought to our area by another friend,  See that is a confusing sentence!  3 separate friends working together to help us do something that we didn’t know how important it would be at the time.  I get to see pictures of our Make a Wish trip, to see smiles and the love that we shared during our last trip being a family of 4.  I get to see my husband loving on my son and the smiles, the love that I miss and I know that he does as well.  I get to see me holding him at one of the last family outings that we made breakfast at IHOP. I get to see pictures of people coming in and out of our home to loving on us. 

I do have a ton of questions and I still have days filled with hurt and tears.  However, I have a lot to remember and a lot to be thankful for