Thursday, July 28, 2011

Thoughtful Thursday

One of the biggest things that I learned is that each and every person sees things and they have different thoughts, different beliefs, and different reactions.  One of things that I hope to do by starting this blog again is that I will ramble enough to let God be seen through me, not the religious answer that everyone wants to be seen but the raw real emotional side of having things happen that are beyond our control. 

If we are honest with ourselves we each have things that go wrong... we get up late, we spill our coffee, we are out of coffee, we get stuck at every red light, we yell at our love ones, we eat the wrong thing, we get a piece of bad news, we have to pay a bill that we don't have money for, we don't get to see the one that we want to, we don't get the hug that we need... do I really need to go on? Why do we think that we have to act like things are okay, that they are alright?

I am learning this.... things aren't perfect, we aren't promised that it would be easy or even make sense.  This is what I am learning, I can't explain to people what I am going through, the words just aren't there, I don't want the emotions to be transparent for everyone to see.  However, I am learning that it is okay.  It is okay to not be okay.  It is okay to be hurt.  It is okay to not make sense. It is okay to be MAD it is okay to be pissed at the world (yes I know that isn't the perfect language but sometimes we need to be reminded it is okay to be mad, frustrated and upset)

In a dark room, there is only a need for one little light.  It takes one spark one glisten of light to make the difference in a dark room.  In today's world, I know in my own life, I can look and say that the world is dark if I let it be dark.  My son was sick, My son died, I lost friends, I lost my identity, I lost my ability to know what I can and can't do.  However, one light, one friend makes a difference.  I am learning that today isn't going to be a failure, even if things go wrong or not the way that I wanted them to, it doesn't mean that it is a fail.  I mean learning that sometimes those lights dim but it doesn't mean that we don't have lights in our life I am striving to be that light that others see.  To use all the things that the world has thrown at us and be thankful that I have what I have.  I am being reminded daily, sometimes multiple times a day, that I can have peace when the walls come crashing down, in my life the walls are done.  I am trying to rebuild the walls without people seeing them down but the walls are crashing down the walls are down.  I am being reminded that there is healing in the tears, it is okay to cry, to hurt, to be broken.  Gosh to be broken is hard, to be broken before other people, in front of the world is even harder.

Some days what I say will ramble like today, I don't know what the point of it is! Except maybe to remind me that I am not alone in this and although I am struggling to make one foot be in front of the others, that I am here surrounded by people that care.  That I matter, that I can do this!  You know what you do too, you matter and you can do whatever it is that is going on.


  1. Okay, I'm hoping that I've figured out how to post now...sorry, blogging newbie here. :-) I just wanted to say that I feel like this blog and your writing are such a healing tool for everyone to read. You truly have a way with words, Jen, and your love, care, anguish and hurt are raw when you write. I continue to hold you and your family in my heart from hundreds of miles away. Thank you for posting your link in the sunbabies glad to be one of your followers.

  2. Jen, thank you for sharing this with us, this journey that I as the parent of a child with Mito, know is such possibility in our future. You definitely have a way with words, I have cried many tears, over your pain, precious Zach going to be with Jesus, and the struggle of being so far away that I can't give you a hug in "real life", that I can't be there in person to give you a hug, to take you for a day out, or to simply sit and listen. In a way, reading your words has allowed me to cry, and to understand that it's okay to grieve over things. I've always been one to keep my feelings in, to not cry, to not grieve in front of others, to try to put on a brave front...reading your words and being your friend has allowed me to know that it is okay to be human. It is okay to cry about things that we have no control over. It's okay to not be okay all the time. Thank you so much for your friendship Jen. We love you :)