Mountains, Molehill!

There are moments when you just kinda curl up, pulling your knees up to your chin and hide under the covers praying that no one sees you or needs you.  In our society we have phrases that let others know that we are struggling with things.  The main phrase runs through my head right now is “making hills out of molehills”  We often use this phrase when dealing with something negative, mostly when people can’t handle a situation.  I, however, would like to challenge you to use this phrase positively. 

Immediately after Zach died we took one 9x12 box full of items and took them to the hospital to be given to others that were in the hospital and facing times like we were no longer going to get to have.  In that moment on that day when I will admit I wanted to do nothing but curl up and hide, I wanted to try to touch more than just me.  I tried to reach outside of myself and touch others, to remind them that they weren’t alone and honestly that well it was worth it. 

Fast forward to 2014, 3 years later and I can say I think that molehill, I mean 9x12 box, has become a huge mountain.  This year I prayed that we could touch as many lives as possible, that we could touch Moms, Dads, Brothers, Sisters and Patients themselves.  I prayed that we would touch Doctors and Nurses.  I prayed that we would touch anyone that might need a smile or a simple reminder that they were not alone. 

In praying this, I took action, I emailed and facebooked my heart out.  Asking everyone to pray, to donate items and to make a different even if was just for one person.  I was immediately amazed to get my first box of items donated.  The box was full of items, it was more than one life touched.  I thought “ok God Thank you!” and I thought it would be done.  Well as my pleas went out and things straggled in I was worried that this was the year that time went on.

See one of the hardest things about losing someone that you love is that the world goes one.  The people that flooded you at the funeral leave, those that helped are gone and you’re left picking up pieces.  I was worried that this would be the year that my sweet strong amazing little boy would be forgotten not because people forgot him but because time moved on.  People got busy, money got tight, Children got older and well time flies by. 

Then one day I got a text, simply saying “I need to talk to yall”  Yall being Adam, my husband, and myself, after several hours and several texts later I was shocked to think that my church was going to use Remembering Zachary as the missions project.  Now if you know anything about VBS and penny wars, this was and is a huge deal.  Every night we took Aden and we went to VBS, we worked and listened to the lessons that were being taught, listening to their goal in awe.  God is faithful to complete that which He starts, and truthfully I was praying for $100 maybe $200.  Then it hits me that they were not just doing pennies but they were collecting some of the items that could be used at the hospital as well.  Not only was that but my mountain was built even more as I was asked if the children could help fill some of the bags and if they could be involved. 

This morning, Tara Baptist Church ended their VBS in the morning service.  The mission is explained to everyone that is there, since not everyone makes it to VBS and a total was given.  The total was $500.85, this alone shocked me, really, you’re kidding me right! That is huge.  Well see my mountain wasn’t tall enough, this isn’t the end of this story.  The God that made Zachary perfect, that loved him enough and blessed him by allowing him to die, wasn’t done yet.  Walking out of the doors I was grabbed and asked if I had heard the new total… “Yes, it was announced” her response…”no, that wasn’t it, want a new total?” Now I thought one or two more dollars maybe fifty dollars.

Nope God made my molehill, my little to do about nothing, and made it huge, a huge huge mountain.  Grand total was $871.42  Now I will Confess I had no clue that God would bless us so much that God would give us a mountain, that we would be able to touch so many but I am reminded God can do anything that if you ask Him and if you are in His will, He will be faithful.

 

Tara people: THANK you!!!! I am beyond blessed and shocked at everything that was donated, thank you for allowing us to share about Zachary and to be reminded that he was very much part of the church.  Thank you for missing him, loving him and caring about us!  Thank you for allowing us to share love and smiles to so many more people than we ever know. 

Times....

There are times that we simply have to sit and wonder about things…. Each of us do this.  Sometimes we simply wonder how an old friend us doing or what would have happened if we chose to go into a different field.  As parents we wonder if we are empowering our children to be successful and productive citizens of their communities.  As children we wonder why our parents had ways for us to do things, if there was a reason behind it or if it was simply how things happen. 

I can go back and I can think as younger adult I can remember wondering about if I would finish school and be successful, if I would ever live on my own successfully, I knew that I would but I wanted to be successful and not struggling to make ends meet.  I wondered if I was going to ever date, marry, and have a family. 

I can as an older adult (not calling myself or anyone else old) I can say that I still very much wonder about things… I wonder how things work together, I mean I know that everything that is occurring or everything that has occurred all is orchestrated by God’s hands.  Not only is it orchestrated and planned by God but it is for a reason. 

Now I can type that I did in fact graduate from high school and I even got a B.S. in College, I did marry a wonderful man and gained an amazing family with his love, I have been given amazing friends that have become part of my family.  I do work and make a difference in lives, and I was in fact given one of the most amazing, touching, rewarding, difficult gifts in the world.  I was chosen to be a Mother.

As a mother the looking back on how life could be different happens all the time.  It isn’t always serious life changing things that we wonder about but as a mom we do.  What would have happened if I had let them sleep longer? Why couldn’t she have just worn what I wanted her to? Why did my son have to wear his super hero pjs again out? Why can’t I get things done?   For a few Mom’s that I know those things that we worry about are a tad more serious.  Do we do this surgery? Do we take the summer off of therapy? Do we tell people how sick they are? What do we tell the family?  For a few of my friends they have the overwhelmingly painful experience of having a miscarriage.  For those their tender hearts not only wonder but they doubt… Am I good enough? Will it happen? Did I do something wrong? Do I share with people that I lost a baby?

This week is a week that I wonder a lot… I used to think that Birthdays were the only time that people really sat and wondered about what happened, is happening or what might have been.  I have learned in the past 3 years that in death we do the same thing.  I would like to make this clear before I even start. I know where Zach is, I know that since he is blessed enough to be in heaven, he is healed and whole.  However, in knowing that doesn’t take away that it has been a while since I have had my baby in my arms, loved on him, heard his voice, touched his skin, heard his giggle or taken care of him.

I wonder what he would be doing.  I wonder if he would be sicker or if he would have stabled out? I wonder if he would have new equipment, I wonder if he would have finally made friends, I wonder if he would enjoy school,  I wonder if he would be talking more, if he would still be into elmo or if his big brother would have introduced him to a new character, I wonder if cupcakes would still be his thing, I wonder if his smile would have gotten bigger. I wonder if people still remember that I have two children, if I should say that I have two and go through why one isn’t here with me.  I wonder… yes, I wonder.

I also look back and see all that we have been blessed with…. I am blessed that our family endured illness, treatments and death together all a whole and became stronger.  We didn’t say we wouldn’t or couldn’t handle it and no one walked out.  I am blessed that I have an amazingly in tuned son, who doesn’t see disabilities or differences.  I am blessed that I have gained some friends that go through things that on one will ever know but still show up every chance we get to love on me.  I am blessed that God has given me the ability to love and grow and become stronger. 

This week I am blessed to be able to go back and look at pictures and read about events that swirled around quickly in 2011.  I get to see pictures of going to pick up an amazing cake made by one friend, commissioned by another friend, and brought to our area by another friend,  See that is a confusing sentence!  3 separate friends working together to help us do something that we didn’t know how important it would be at the time.  I get to see pictures of our Make a Wish trip, to see smiles and the love that we shared during our last trip being a family of 4.  I get to see my husband loving on my son and the smiles, the love that I miss and I know that he does as well.  I get to see me holding him at one of the last family outings that we made breakfast at IHOP. I get to see pictures of people coming in and out of our home to loving on us. 

I do have a ton of questions and I still have days filled with hurt and tears.  However, I have a lot to remember and a lot to be thankful for