Wednesday, March 6, 2013

hope it makes sense

So this week has been odd…. I started off the week thinking… I know that I shouldn’t but I do…

I know that I shouldn’t be jealous but I am.

I know that I shouldn’t be tired but I am

I know that I shouldn’t worry but I do

I know that I shouldn’t be in tears but I am

I know that I shouldn’t be upset but I am

And If I am honest with myself and in return be honest with you I can probably add several more to this list.  In fact I can probably add specific things for each of these and for several I can probably time multiple things.

I can think about a new vehicle, since my van has to be replaced and I don’t know how we are going to replace it but I am going to have to replace it.  I can think about trips, trips to the mountains, trips to Disney, trips anywhere with the whole family.  I can choose to listen to the one that tells me not to worry or be sad because Zach is in a better place when my tears and sadness are because I am missing the love and the joy not because I want him back. 

I can look at pictures of me and my family and it instantly reminds me how blessed we are.  I can look at pictures and be reminded of how close and bonded my family is, how we know that we can pull together and love on each other when we need to.  I can watch my son love on and help others because he was shown that being a friend means more than just the easy things. 


So why am I writing this now…. My ideas have been swirling and until tonight I was thinking that this would be a dark and upsetting post.  Not that I wanted to be dark it was just that I was missing Zach so much and was having trouble with all of the unexpected things that are in our lives.  However, I am here to write another thing… Several months ago I started going to my best friend’s church on wed night, not because I hate my church, I LOVE MY CHURCH but because they offered a class on something that I very much needed to learn about.  After building some relationships I asked one of the leaders if I could pray with her, again something that it was nice to be able to hide a little, to be at a place that I wasn’t expected to do anymore than to worship and learn about God.  Somewhere that I could have tears if I needed and that no one knew about Zach unless I told them.  Now if you realize who I have been lately talking to others, I am not talking about small talk but real talk, has been extremely difficult for me so step one, ask if we can pray.  Step 2, actually meet to talk and to pray.  Step 3 talk! Yeah it didn’t work out that way, I made it through step one and step two but actually talking about things that matter, nope, I couldn’t.  The leader several days latter facebooked me a name of a lady who had also had a child pass away.  I fought it and I didn’t want to do it… well needless to say after 3 months and several facebook messages I met her tonight. 

Let me tell you about tonight, tonight was a night that I almost didn’t go… plans had been changed at the last minute, instead of the bible study that I normally go to things had been cancelled and there was a concert.  I was excited to go hear them since I like their music but I have never seen them in concert.  I texted and asked her if she was going… she said yes! So tonight I went with my best friend to a concert and met a woman.  Two things that God used to touch my heart. 

I stood and I listened to my best friend sing, not be shy and not shy away from me but to sing, I got to watch her worship.  I worshipped as well.  I was touched, smiles filled my heart.  I think about the conversation with my new friend and I think I want to be the one that God uses for giving others hope, I know that some of my days are hard and some days I am not the best to be around but I want to be as encouraging as this lady was to me tonight.  To lay it out where I knew that I wasn’t alone or feeling things that no one else got.  To say things that she instantly understood and was able to help me know that it will be okay, worked out for a purpose!

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