Tuesday, January 1, 2013

a new year

A small room with small tables and chairs, often very noisy and often messy I have learned on of the most important things.  See as rough has my life has been and as much as it may not be understood and the trials that I have been through discounted as much as I can say life is worth it and I am extremely blessed

Over a year ago I was looking for a meaning of life... I was wondering if I was going to be tormented by all the things that have been going on in my life.  One of the people I knew at Church suggested a school that might be perfect for my son, small and intimate and they would be able to love him and help him grow.  Then she quietly suggested that I might be used by God to help a class there.  A job, a way to start to rebuild life...did I listen? No, it took the third time of her suggesting it and then a horrible experience at my son’s public school to land me at the new school. 

While he was in a little room with just a few students learning about Kindergarten things, I found myself in a room with small tables with little children.  Hesitant to step in I trusted that if God brought me to this place that He would help me, I started to help and to teach in a class of 2 and 3 year olds.  Hard since not even 6 months before my almost 4 year old, who was 16 pounds died, he was blessed enough to go to Heaven to be healed, to be with God.  He left my husband, myself and Aden, his brother.  I often sat down with the children, who are 2 and 3 years old, doing things that Zach never did and who are often bigger than Zach ever was. I got hugs and one day I got a comment by one that startled me.  I later found out, that God planned me to be there to help a few going through things that no one should, then I found out that Aden had a classmate whose father was killed, then later one that her dad died.  So I thought that was it, I was there because Grief does weird and sometimes painful things and that I could love on and pray.

Honestly I thought that is where this story would end... but I can tell you God wasn’t done yet.  In this little room, I found another teacher.  Funny enough it was another Jennifer, I am convinced just to confuse people.  At first our friendship was strained, I arrived right after a school wide tragedy and right after a student got hurt.  I knew nothing about either so I didn’t know to worry or stress, I was there because God wanted me to have a purpose but to fill it as well.  By the end of the year we were okay friends and were working on what our class would do for this year. 

Now I could simply stop here and be done but I am not, see God doesn’t just give us a little He blesses us a lot and in this case here is the rest of the story.  I now have a job that I love with little children who no longer just remind me of what I lost but remind me that love is AMAZING. A job where I can say I have women who love me and who will pray for me and with me. A job that I have been able to use a little of the things I know from Zach and from my past to love on and to help.  Aden has a best friend that accepts him with his medical issues and things that randomly come up.  I was blessed with a best friend, who has been through some of the things that I have but who makes me a better person.

See I just spent 3 days with one of the best friends that I could ever have not just her but her whole family.  Her daughter, my son’s best friend! Her husband, who enjoys his time with my husband and who will watch days of football together.  They went out of town and so we needed to catch up and refill on our things that God blesses us with.  We had a weekend of late nights, good food, van trips, cards, and lots of laughing, Reminders that God isn’t done with me yet... that no matter how bad situations, how misunderstood, how they make me feel, God isn’t done yet.

See I have been through things that I have never talked about and I wasn’t going to share every, I hid them; I stuffed them deep into my memory and forgot it as much as I could.  I succeeded for a long time... then Zach got sick and suffered and while AMAZING and a fighter he died.  I no longer could hide all of my emotions.  The emotions were spewing out and I was spiraling into a dark deep depression and while each of the situations in my life where surfacing I couldn’t share.  Enters my new friend that I didn’t want to push away but I did, I couldn’t share, How could God use all this hurt of all these situations that she didn’t even know about to help me?  How could I ask her to hold some of the pain of my son dying when she didn’t even know that I had two children?  How could I tell her things that I can’t even talk about?

Well God is amazing and what I found was that as I started telling little by little I was able to say that I was trying to heal and trying to deal with Grief in a way that people don’t understand.  One day she randomly made a comment to me and while I know what that comment was, what is important for you to know is that she made the comment that I took as an invitation to yell out for help.  See while I can’t get into details I can say that my childhood and my past while it could be much worse were filled with things that hurt and scarred me.  Scars that I need to let God use.  My mother fought a yearlong battle with brain cancer and her death was something that I never dealt with, I never cried, I moved on.  I dealt with sexual abuse, being slammed up against walls, being forced to do things, bruised and hurt.  I dealt with emotional and psychological abuse, being told I wasn’t good enough, not being pretty, thin or smart. 

God however gave me a safe place to start to heal and today I can say while I don’t understand it that I am honored to have someone that I love as much as I love my best friend, a person that knows when to push me and when to let me rest. So as I say happy New Year’s to everyone...as rough as life has been I'm willing to say today....life is worth it! My vision may be different, my trials misunderstood but life is still amazing.  God isn’t through with me yet!

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