New?..

New...instantly when I think of new I think of the overwhelmed feeling that you get when you are not sure exactly what to do.  I think of sitting down and learning new things.  I think of exposing people to things that they might not know how to accept or handle.  I think of changing things.

When zach was 3months old he got his ng tube and then at 11 months he got his gtube, when we got his tube it came with lots of newness and lots of fears.  I worried if I was doing it right, if I would be good enough, if i would understand it.  I wondered if he would ever be accepted by others.  I wondered if oeople would think thar I messed up.  However, time went on and the newness wore off and I learned quickly what Zachary was.... He was an amazing little boy who was full  of smiles and love, that everyone seemed to fall in love with.   I didn't forget about the pumps, tubes, doctors appointments, medications, and hospitalizations but I realized that he was simply and honestly AMAZING!

All of this came to mind as I am receiving an insulin pump, my blood sugars have been high and in need of further actions.  I have had to fight through medical issues that I never thought that I would have to go through and basically learn a new normal.  I have had to think about how to do things with other people near me, if they would still want to be friends with me, if I would be treated the same.  I have had to think about what the next steps would be for me,

While getting my pump ordered  I was asked what color I wanted, I knew but I wanted to see what all the had.. The colors where clear, royal purple, pepsi can blue, smoke and pink.  Now he said pink first, I knew that was what I wanted.  Pink and glitter make me happy and since glitter isn't a choice I knew pink was.   When I said pink the man on the phone said "well just go bold". I without thinking said "yes, my som taught me this". I didn't said much more

It was till later that I thought one of the biggest things that Zach taught me was to be and me wasn't the circumstances.  Zach wore his pumps, all 4 of them, as if they were an accessory!  He was happy to say something about them or show others that he was just an amazing child.

So yes I am going to wear my pump boldly for my son, who at the tender age of 2 started teaching me that the outside doesn't matter.  That education, exposure and knowledge helps the rest of the world understand.   That emotions can come out of no where but that ultimately those that love you, those that care don't care if you have to inject yourself at the dinner table.  You see how many see you for you, you see how many truely love you when life changes.  We experienced this through Zach's life and even more in his death.  However, I will be bold, I will wear my pump proud for my son!