Long time

It has been a long time since I have written, if I was honest it has been busy and God has been super busy in my life.   I am learning that there are times when things don't make sense and yet God leads you down the path.  I'm learning to plug in the earbuds and to turn on the music and just roll with it.

I can not believe that february is almost over, it seems like it was just thanksgiving time and yet time is flying.  Since I wrote the last time I have learned that friends matter, now I knew that, I knew that without people that will love you and support you life can be too hard.  However I also went through situations that people decided to walk out on.  I have hated valentines day as long as I can remember... It is simply that I don't understand why you need a special day to say I love you, you should say I love you every chance you can get.

Now in saying this, this is the first valentines day that I was shown how fun this day can be.  It was fun to watch this day through the eyes of a child.  It was amazing to get to experience it through my son, Aden, he has a special friend and he adores her, they are like brother and sister.  He went to the store and bought her something, then he would go back and buy her something else.  It was super sweet! She made it to the day with quite a but bought for her.

I was surprised by my amazing husband with candy, a card, the best balloon ever.... It said valentines day is overrated!!! Totally a me feeling!  He also Suprised my best friend with a card and candy, since her Husband was out of town.  A true image of how much friends can become part of the family and How much of am impact they can make without knowing it.  I was suprised by a gift as well, a token of how much God has blessed my life. That through hardship, pain and life chamges there can be huge blessing.

  However I have to admit one of the best thing that could have happened to me was I got a new ring from my husband for Christmas.  It needed to be sized and yet two months later I hadn't taken it.  it  was breaking my heart that since the medical issues that I am having I couldn't wear my old engagement ring, it would cut my finger.  I tried it in the day before valentines day...it fits and even better I can get it  on and off without struggling.  I'm super excited about it, I am wearing it and I am totally stoked!

I hope that life will settle down and I will blog more, God is working in my life and I'm holding tight with earbuds in jamming along.

What is God teaching me?

God is teaching me…

What is He teaching me? Well that depends on what part of my life that you are part of and how close we are?  God has had his hand in my life and I have never doubted that for sure, however, I am learning that there are some things that I am very blessed to have.

I have a family… not just blood family but a wonderful family given to me by marriage and from the bond of God.  A wonderful husband and his family that I don’t know what I would do without them.  They have walked the world for me on multiple occasions and gone far past what they have to and love me through it.  Friends that are so much part of my life that I don’t know what I would do without them.  Texts, visits, emails and phone calls!!!

I have learned that as much as I hate talking on the phone that I will talk on the phone to those that I love.  I text I am a texting fool, I like being able to not be on the phone but I can tell you in the past month or so I am learning that there are times to hear a voice is AMAZING. 

I have learned that sometimes a beat, sometimes a radio that is playing music that only you can hear can totally cause you to rock out and will change a mood.  There are times when the only thing that will take a blue mood and change it is to be totally jamming out to some rocking music with the windows rolled down totally grooving to them music.  That there is a smile that just sneaks up and covers your whole face.  I have a friend that constantly has a song playing in their head, they will be walking up steps and all of a sudden will stop and drop a move.  They will be sitting at a table waiting for something and will start moving their shoulders and will be jamming, I will ask for her music to be turned up because she will get that little smile sneak up to her face and instantly she is amazingly happy.  You know at any moment she is being entertained in her head.  I have learned because of this that her jamming can make me go from blue to giggly and I have learned that if I turn the radio on and jam that I can be amazingly happy and joyful,  Truly HAPPY!

I have learned that just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean that isn’t true.  This is something that I am really trying to learn.  See we have family, loved ones, and friends who should be building us up… it is something that I have always struggled with seeing what others see in me.  Well had said enough is enough, that I need to believe some of those close to me can see and are saying to me! So I am learning that right now. 

I have learned that just because it doesn’t make sense doesn’t mean that it isn’t what needs to be done…. See I have learned to look at it this way.  We each are a color and we are coloring a picture, if we just use one color the picture but you can’t see the true beauty in the picture.  It is only with all the colors that you see all of the beauty.  I have learned that I need to let those colors in my life, not just to lightly color one little spot but to be bold and wonderfully involved. 

a new year

A small room with small tables and chairs, often very noisy and often messy I have learned on of the most important things.  See as rough has my life has been and as much as it may not be understood and the trials that I have been through discounted as much as I can say life is worth it and I am extremely blessed

Over a year ago I was looking for a meaning of life... I was wondering if I was going to be tormented by all the things that have been going on in my life.  One of the people I knew at Church suggested a school that might be perfect for my son, small and intimate and they would be able to love him and help him grow.  Then she quietly suggested that I might be used by God to help a class there.  A job, a way to start to rebuild life...did I listen? No, it took the third time of her suggesting it and then a horrible experience at my son’s public school to land me at the new school. 

While he was in a little room with just a few students learning about Kindergarten things, I found myself in a room with small tables with little children.  Hesitant to step in I trusted that if God brought me to this place that He would help me, I started to help and to teach in a class of 2 and 3 year olds.  Hard since not even 6 months before my almost 4 year old, who was 16 pounds died, he was blessed enough to go to Heaven to be healed, to be with God.  He left my husband, myself and Aden, his brother.  I often sat down with the children, who are 2 and 3 years old, doing things that Zach never did and who are often bigger than Zach ever was. I got hugs and one day I got a comment by one that startled me.  I later found out, that God planned me to be there to help a few going through things that no one should, then I found out that Aden had a classmate whose father was killed, then later one that her dad died.  So I thought that was it, I was there because Grief does weird and sometimes painful things and that I could love on and pray.

Honestly I thought that is where this story would end... but I can tell you God wasn’t done yet.  In this little room, I found another teacher.  Funny enough it was another Jennifer, I am convinced just to confuse people.  At first our friendship was strained, I arrived right after a school wide tragedy and right after a student got hurt.  I knew nothing about either so I didn’t know to worry or stress, I was there because God wanted me to have a purpose but to fill it as well.  By the end of the year we were okay friends and were working on what our class would do for this year. 

Now I could simply stop here and be done but I am not, see God doesn’t just give us a little He blesses us a lot and in this case here is the rest of the story.  I now have a job that I love with little children who no longer just remind me of what I lost but remind me that love is AMAZING. A job where I can say I have women who love me and who will pray for me and with me. A job that I have been able to use a little of the things I know from Zach and from my past to love on and to help.  Aden has a best friend that accepts him with his medical issues and things that randomly come up.  I was blessed with a best friend, who has been through some of the things that I have but who makes me a better person.

See I just spent 3 days with one of the best friends that I could ever have not just her but her whole family.  Her daughter, my son’s best friend! Her husband, who enjoys his time with my husband and who will watch days of football together.  They went out of town and so we needed to catch up and refill on our things that God blesses us with.  We had a weekend of late nights, good food, van trips, cards, and lots of laughing, Reminders that God isn’t done with me yet... that no matter how bad situations, how misunderstood, how they make me feel, God isn’t done yet.

See I have been through things that I have never talked about and I wasn’t going to share every, I hid them; I stuffed them deep into my memory and forgot it as much as I could.  I succeeded for a long time... then Zach got sick and suffered and while AMAZING and a fighter he died.  I no longer could hide all of my emotions.  The emotions were spewing out and I was spiraling into a dark deep depression and while each of the situations in my life where surfacing I couldn’t share.  Enters my new friend that I didn’t want to push away but I did, I couldn’t share, How could God use all this hurt of all these situations that she didn’t even know about to help me?  How could I ask her to hold some of the pain of my son dying when she didn’t even know that I had two children?  How could I tell her things that I can’t even talk about?

Well God is amazing and what I found was that as I started telling little by little I was able to say that I was trying to heal and trying to deal with Grief in a way that people don’t understand.  One day she randomly made a comment to me and while I know what that comment was, what is important for you to know is that she made the comment that I took as an invitation to yell out for help.  See while I can’t get into details I can say that my childhood and my past while it could be much worse were filled with things that hurt and scarred me.  Scars that I need to let God use.  My mother fought a yearlong battle with brain cancer and her death was something that I never dealt with, I never cried, I moved on.  I dealt with sexual abuse, being slammed up against walls, being forced to do things, bruised and hurt.  I dealt with emotional and psychological abuse, being told I wasn’t good enough, not being pretty, thin or smart. 

God however gave me a safe place to start to heal and today I can say while I don’t understand it that I am honored to have someone that I love as much as I love my best friend, a person that knows when to push me and when to let me rest. So as I say happy New Year’s to everyone...as rough as life has been I'm willing to say today....life is worth it! My vision may be different, my trials misunderstood but life is still amazing.  God isn’t through with me yet!

scars

It has been a long time since I have written and truthfully it is for many reasons. 
Life got busy, Illness came in, Depression crept in and family and friends needed my attention (and I wanted and needed to give it to them).  Even now I am not typing on a program that I cant spellcheck (so forgive me)


God has been bringing things to my attention, this time of the year is hard for many reasons...
+Missing love ones
+Trying to figure out how to honor family that has been with you for everything. That has helped you more than you can express
+Trying to figure out how to honor friends that God has placed in your life, ones that without them you would be lost
+Being a Servant.  I have a servants heart but it is hard for me sometimes to see what I am supposed to do

This year it is a tad harder since I am also dealing with God working with my heart.  Laying things down at his feet and not taking them back.  I have been taking a class that is called "God thinks your scars are Beautiful"  A Class I was invited to at a friends church, a friend that I would be lost without that God has given me to help me sort though and deal with my story.  Not only was I invited by that friend but I recieved an email about it as well.  I figured God was giving me a hint.  God was touching my heart to let me know that I was not the ugly, scarred, horrible person that I often felt that I was.


See we each have a story, every day is a part of it... all the good, bad and ugly.  All the things that we hide and the things that we shout from the mountain tops. Very often the hurts that we have we don't share but God uses them and no matter how painful or ugly they are they are used.  God helps us through them

The things that cause our hearts to be hurt are often ones that have a lasting impact on our lives, they make scars! I am whom I am because of my past.  I don't judge because of what I have been through.  I tend to stick with people no matter what because I had people leave when I needed them.  I don't judge when someone is dealing with sexual abuse and all of the emotions that come with it because I was sexually abused, I don't turn away when someone is in a relationship with physical abuse because I was physically abused, I don't cut down and hate when someone is dealing with psychological abuse because I have had that too. 

For a very long time I have hidden everything, I am the one that everyone comes to but I don't allow myslef to deal with and sort through things.I felt embarassed, ashamed, like it was my fault, that I would be hated.  However, I am learning that the situations that I have gone through, my
"scars" are important and that God uses them.  This is the 1st time I can say that I have shared a whole lot of the things that have happened in my past.  Now I haven't hidden it all for 10 years I have been blessed with my wonderful husband who has supported and loved me every step of the way, but I truthfully didn't handle or deal with it all.  God has blessed me with a WONDERFUL friend that not only do I love dearly but has been through some of the things that I have been, Our SCARS
are similar.  I was able to share and instead of the pain, hurt and anger I thought I was going to get I recieved arms WRAPPED around me and I LOVE YOU spoken.  I was told that I wasn't alone and not only was I told that but I feel that now.  It was freeing to know that some of the things that are so part of me didn't make her hate me.  I was met at God's feet with LOVE and support.

It was a freeing and humbling experience.
I am learning to express it and so far I haven't been able to.  God however is working and I can share this Christmas I have learned that Jesus came to Redeem me.  I am redeemed!!! The scars and the past are a distant memory because God has picked me up and has this under control. 
God is using my skills and my passions daily.  He has surrounded me with a purpose and a task!  One day I will annouce my scars but until I do... know that you are not alone.  There is no emotion, hurt, word or situation that means that you are unworthy of love and friendship! We don't have to walk our lives alone, the scars are meant to be shared as our stories are too.

Random thoughts

Have you ever just hit a moment and feel like I am done, everything is overwhelming , you are tired of everything happening and you want to be okay and have things settle down for a bit?   There are moments that you can literally look back and wonder how in the world did I make it through all the things that happened.  There are moments when you just sit down and sigh wondering how in the world you move on to the next moment.  Moments when your brain just needs help wrapping around everything.

.The fact that in a few days it will be 10 years since my mother died after a yearlong hard battle with brain cancer, this hit a week after 17 months of my son fighting an almost 4 year battle with mitochondrial disease.  I often look back and say how did I do school and help take care of my mother and date at the same time? I often think how did I be a wife and a mother and take care of a child that needed a full time nurse?  It has taught me to Praise God in the storm, that when I need to cry to cry, to try to let others help when I need it.  Often that is hard, I am not good at asking for help but I am getting better, I am getting better at realizing that God has an ultimate plan for each one of us.  I have definitely learned that I have some skills that are very special.  I have learned that I have important people in my live that without all of the things that have happened in my life I wouldn’t be able to touch people the way that I do.

Today I was thinking about all the things that have happened and all of the things that I need to do. Things about the blessings that I have and the things that are hard.  One of the biggest things that I need to do is make flowers for Zach’s grave, I know that I don’t go enough to his grave but I know that he deserves to have flowers at his grave.  What types of flowers are appropriate for a 3 year boy? What colors? However, it is hard to think that it is okay to be shopping for flowers for my 3 year olds grave! I just have to remind myself that it isn’t okay it is the ultimate plan that God had and Zach was honored enough to get be there with Him.  I often wonder what they are doing in heaven. I know that they get to Praise God face to face which has to be an AMAZING thing! However, what else do they do? How much fun is it to be in Heaven? I can’t imagine.  Does it feel like an everlasting overnight slumber party?  Does the joy just radiate and ooze off of everyone?

Then there are all the other things that come and go and it makes everyday life interesting, fun and busy!  Emotions come and go, Good and Bad!

Holidays

I have written about this several times but today I am writing about it because it is so raw and so there that it is difficult.  Grief is a cycle, a wave of emotions that sometimes come and hit us when we are least expecting it.  Sometimes the waves are good, laughter and good thoughts.  Sometimes the waves are hard and difficult.

Today I was hit by a wave of emotions after hearing a very special person who has to perform a memorial service tomorrow for a little infant; there is NO worse pain than that.  I was hit by a wave of emotion by looking at how amazing Aden is becoming, a good friend who is amazingly compassionate.  I was hit by a wave emotion, good and hard, realizing that Thanksgiving and Christmas will come no matter what I do and say.  So I could decide to sit here, cry, and bury my head or I could choose to live each day walking with smiles.  So I decided to stop and think about the holidays… why do we celebrate them? What do they mean?  I thought about it and cried about it and wondered what is the next step? 

Thanksgiving…. Being thankful for all of the things that we have in our lives and sometimes what we are thankful that we don’t have in our lives.  Joining around a table to laugh and to celebrate being part of something, enjoying talking and looking at ads or watching football, having people that love us and that are here for us.  When Adam and I first got married we decided that we would have an open door home.  This meant that if someone needed a place to go, someone to talk to, or something we could provide we would try our best to do that.  I have had people come because they needed my help with a crisis and we have had people come because their family wasn’t in town.  The Holidays are this to us to… we strive to provide a place that everyone feels comfortable, as we have friends with a little one that they have never gotten to hold, ones who love ones are fighting over seas, ones fighting through cancer, ones that are fighting major depression, ones that are like us that are dealing with missing loved ones.  We want to be there to cry on, laugh on, and take each wave of our lives.  We choose to not just be there for the good times but to also be there for the hard times.  I choose to remember that God always holds me in His hands, that I am his and that He sings over me! I am worth it, No matter the emotions that I have, God loves me and He will always protect me!

Christmas… The birth of Jesus! The birth of a baby that changes everything, I am sure that Mary wondered “why me?” I am sure that she was scared that she would mess things up and that she wasn’t good enough for the life that God gave her!  I am sure that she was scared and worried.  Jesus, a baby that was born and placed in a container that was made for feed, who was perfect and who choose to die for my sins so I could be united one day with God…for me, Jesus died for me!  God gave up the ultimate sacrifice for me.  He understands what it feels like to have had a son die; God turned his back on his son because of sin, what pain god must have felt? And so why am I here talking about this?  It’s simple… there isn’t an emotion that God doesn’t understand and that is what I am choosing to remember today.  That as I am hurting and wishing that we could continue the traditions that we had with a family of four but truth is I can’t do those… We are an earthly family of 3!  Last year I was okay with doing things and this year Christmas brings me to tears.  I have decided that I want to start new traditions and love on each other in ways that people looking in can’t deny. 

Walking through this Holiday season I am remembering that I can choose to make a difference, I can be here for all that need me, I can love on all that I know, I can cry and I will be okay!

Thankful for....

One by one I have been counting my blessings… I have been thinking of all the things that I have to be thankful for that people understand or know about and then I have also been thinking about all of the things that people don’t know about. There are things that no matter how silly they are we can be thankful for them.

I am thankful for text simply because it allows me to be able to stay connected when I am forever away from people who know and understand my heart.  Texting first thing in the morning to say I am praying for you or that I love you.  Texting late at night because I can’t sleep or because someone needs to talk.  Staying connected with each other while in the doctor’s office, work or traveling.  

I am thankful for the dinner table or a table that we gather around for a meal because without it the conversations and the laughs that we have will be far different.  I cherish the times that I have had family and friends around the table and we get to laugh, talk and enjoy.  There is rarely a better feeling than that!

I am thankful for friends that guide my heart into things that I would have never known about without them.  One of the things in particular is Compassion International.  I would have never known that I could make a difference without a friend introducing me to it.  I would never be able to understand families of 8 living on less than $2.00 a month.   

Then there are the little things that just make me happy… glitter, butterflies, fingernail polish, colorful toenails, twix bars, seeing a friend, cupcakes, tea from QT, tutus and smiles!