Brave

What does the word BRAVE mean? It is one of those words that we throw around and say all the time but I don’t think that we truly know what it means.  I was recently told that I was brave and it made me wonder.  According to this definition being brave is something that can be in a variety of ways.  Being brave is possessing or exhibiting courage or a courageous endurance. 

  When I think of brave I think of Zachary… all the testing and how scary it probably was for him, I think of all the pain that he endured and how he was able to smile and move on like it was just part of the gift that he was given.  I think of Zachary being able to be BRAVE and tell us that he was going to go home to Heaven and see Jesus.  How brave was Zach to love on all of us when he was hurting so badly? How brave he was to act like all is okay and that he was fine even when hurting? How brave he was to smile at everyone? How brave was Zach to go to and sit nicely at a table at a restaurant knowing that he couldn’t have any of it that one sip or one taste would hurt him? How brave was he to go and have his daddy time and to do events with us as a family knowing his little body was going to hurt more late.  That is being brave.

When I think of brave I think of Aden… all the flexibility and the unknowing that he went through.  I think of how brave he was to love on me and his daddy when our hearts were broken.  How brave he must be to keep going like things are okay, when his world has been turned upside down.  How brave it is to not know if he was going to be with mom or dad that night or if he was even going to get to come home.  How brave was he to learn what he could eat and not eat so he would be more safe while at others houses?  How brave he is to be willing to go and see his brother knowing that his brother is going to go to heaven? How brave he was to climb up in his bed and tell Zach that it is okay to go be with God? To crawl up in the bed with him after zach died to tell him that one last time that he loved him.  That is being brave.

When I think of brave I think of Adam… all the things that he had to do that caused him to trust me to take care of Aden and Zach.  Him being brave enough to work to provide for us.  Him being brave enough to go talk to his bosses to say that he made a mistake even though he knew that it might cause him his job.  How brave was he to know that he was going to have to go to work and miss surgeries of his son? How brave was he to take time off to spend with us as a family before it was too late? How brave was he to stand and walk with me down the aisle of the same place that we got married to listen to our pastor say goodbye to Zach?   That is being brave

When I think of brave I think of those friends who didn’t know what to say or do but stuck around anyway.  I think of those friends that have been through hurts as well but are honest enough to fill me in on all the details that I don’t know, reliving some of that pain so I will know what to pray for.  How brave is it to listen to hurt and complaining knowing that you can’t help? How brave it is to be there to hold on and to love on those that need it even if you don’t understand.  I think of those that are willing to put themselves aside to love on and to help others.  I think of those that repeatedly ask to help when they know that the person is too scared to say that they need it.  I think of those that need others and are willing to admit that they do.  I think of those that are willing to be transparent, wonderful, loving and hopeful even when life seems harsh.   That is brave.

I don't see me as being brave, I see me being surrounded by amazing people

My heart has had some pretty hard hits lately, I know that there are things that go on that I totally can't Cope with, I have to say though I am blessed with some huge blessings. People that I spewed info to, one that hugged on me when I needed it the most, one that wouldn't let my simple canned answer be enough. My heart is heavy with all that is going in, trying to e the best wife, mother and friend, unsure as to how it will all work out.

I am thankful that God is always here! That His plan is perfect, the waiting is hard. not understanding is hard. Knowing you want to do something but can't get close enough to the person yet to do it, is hard but knowing that the hug to is reassure me. To feel as if God has reach down and told me, It is ok, hang tight, that God has me tight in His hand

a look back

November 1^st, Aden and I started a new adventure.  Aden started a private school and I started working at the school working in a young class.  Aden needed a different environment, he needed to be somewhere that would love on him and a place that would allow him to grieve and process something that no child should have to go through.  We also needed somewhere that would be able to work with him and develop the strengths that he already had and help him be the amazing little boy that he is.  A place that would listen to our wishes and help support the things that were occurring in our family.   We were also praying about putting him in a place that would also pour the foundations of God in his mind and heart.  A place that he would be able to go to chapel and learn the things that he might need to be well rounded in his faith to help support the things that we were teaching him at home and that he was hearing at church. 

In November Aden because the newest member of his kindergarten class, it now consists of 2 boys and 4 girls.  He is surrounded by love and by people that will take the time to support him.  They unfortunately have dealt with death and grief and so they have been a huge blessing to Aden.  He has been able to be focused on and allowed to move at a faster pace than he was in public school.  He has also surprised MaMaw and PaPaw by being able to tell them a complete Bible story from start to finish.  He is learning not only the bible stories but he is also learning verses.  He is able to eat lunches there and to have a social aspect that he couldn’t at the other school, they watch out for the things that he can’t eat because of allergies.  They have loved on him through his medical issues and haven’t made fun of him or pointed him our as being different.  He loves going to school know and loves the people that he sees and interacts with daily. 

In November I started helping one of the younger classes and involving myself back in the gift that God has given me which is dealing with young children and helping those that need extra support.  I have enjoyed being able to love them and being involved in things that are going on.  I have had the chance to love on some that need extra love on bad days and I have been loved on more on the days that I need more loving as well.  I have started to develop friendships and understand what it means like to have people that are willing to pray for you and willing to help you walk daily.  I am also being allowed to use the gift that Zach helped me develop even more and deal with students that might need some extra help.  This is something that I haven’t done for others since I had Zach; I poured it all into him.  Now 7 months later, God told me that it was time to step up and start again.  I am honored to be in a place that will allow me to love on and help develop the students that are there.

Why is this in the blog today??? Good question the reason is, God has blessed me with a gift, a talent.  I don’t see it but I know from others that it is there, I see it as just something that I love to do.  God has allowed me to start new with something that I never thought that I would, which is working in a school and helping the students that might need extra help, and I love it.  I have to admit though I have been struggling with letting God work through me, I didn’t understand it all, I didn’t understand how God was choosing to use me when I was so emotional and so hurt by all that has occurred in the last 7 months, but now that I am stepping up and stepping out doing what God wants me to do I can see the happiness coming back.  Striving to find out what my purpose is, to figure out why I am here and why I have been through all I am.  God however, is showing me that He has us in his hands, while Aden might have had a rough start to the school year; he is now exactly where he needs to be.  While I might struggle with all the emotions and overwhelmness of things, I am right where I need to be with the wonderful loving ladies that have pulled up beside me and allowed me to be me.  God is revealing His plan little by little but He has called me to walk by Faith, that hasn’t been easy but I am happy to say that I am now stepping out on that path that He has blessed me with.  HONORED and humbled!!!

a few days...

It has been a few days since I posted and I have to admit it was kinda on purpose, I have had some things that I needed to deal with and handle and pray about so I could be truly okay with some it all.

Throughout the years God has been with us without a doubt, however, recently I felt like I was being punished and having a hard time with it.  I knew I wasn’t but really with all that was going on I had forgotten that I am Gods daughter.  Why is this important? How much do you love your child, children? I love mine and I would do anything in my power to make everything okay and to keep them from harm.  God loves us even more. 

God has placed some very important people in my life and each one has done a totally different role and while I have been nervous and even scared to embark on it, it was something that I needed to do.  God has called me to trust Him and trust others and to be more transparent.  Now, not everyone needs to know everything but no one can help if they don’t know what to pray for or what needs to be done.  So I asked God simply “WHO?” and surprise God took all the doubt out by naming who.  Not only did God tell me who but He told me that He would be with me to give me the words that I needed to say. 

I started on this journey this week.. Trying to talk, well verbal still sucks but texting is fabulous.  Why am I telling you this?  It is so hard in the midst of our troubles to know that we aren’t alone.  We are never alone and no matter how much we think that people don’t care.  They do care and they want to help.  They need to know what… I hate telling people that we need blank, trust me I get it but I have realized that there are needs that others can help with and I need to allow God to work however, He desires to be all that we need and desire.  I am the one people come to and I rather it be that way.  However, God designed us to cling to HIM during all of the struggles and the daily things that come our way.  He does however, give us people on our paths that will help us and love on us.  I am thankful for the new ones that I have, how wonderful and peaceful it has been since letting God work and listening to Him.

Someone

Someone asked what they can do for us.... I can't remember who it was or what we were talking about.  If you are the one that asked me can you post a comment or email me

Emotions

Well I'm an emotional person, I struggle with them. I hurt when others hurt and I feel good when others feel good. I have also learned that in being emotional it is very hard to deal with all of the things that get thrown your way. It is like you know what you should do however, your mind And heart disagree.

This is where I am at this moment, I know what I should be doing, I know how everyone thinks I should be doing, I know however the things that are bubbling up things are kinda crazy. Everyone has things that effect them in ways that people don't understand. The emotions that bubble up when you least expect them too.

So what emotions are there:
-hurt
-isolation
-grief
-anger
-pain
-sadness
-loss
-guilt
-hope
-love
-joy
-understanding
-thankfulness

See some good and some bad, some hurtful some not, some that you may understand some you make shake your head at. What happens when they all happen at once though? What happens when you walk into a place you feel safe and loved and before you can make it to the doors you start to bawl? Do you just let the tears come and let everyone see or do you feel like you have to quickly stop and hide all of the emotions? When you have a friend that keeps talking about pain or hurt do you listen or do you shut them down saying they are okay? Do you tell themthat thy just dont want to see the good or that they just want to hurt? Do you tell them that they arent listening to God or that they are not reading their Bible enough? What happens if they need to just say it and deal with the words of all that has been happening but everyone just keeps telling them they are okay so they start to feel like they aren't doing things okay and are feeling like they are wrong for hurting because no one seems to care that they are really hunting? What happens if they just need to know that they are not alone? What happens if they just need people to be okay with them talking because they aren't telling the world just those that are safe? What if you are the ONLY one they are talking to? What if it took them days to get up the courage to say something and then they are met with being told that they are okay or any of those comments?

Emotions are real, you may not understand them but they are there, they effect everything you feel and do. This is a rainy horribly yucky Monday and I am reminded it is all going to be okay, the emotions I have are real and will need to be worked through but I am okay. I am reminding myself that I am worth it and I will be okay

A confession

There is this story in Luke 8 that talks about a woman who was facing a personal issue and was considered to be unclean, something that was personal and beyond her control, that had been going on for years. One day when Jesus came through she got the courage and went out to see if she could just touch his hem of his garment. She didn't want to bother she didn't want to make a big huge scene but she wanted to touch his clothes to be close enough to suck in all of the goodness that Jesus had. To be in the prescence of God. She did in fact touch Jesus and instantly she was healed, Jesus knew and called asking who had touched him. He called out to her out and told her, by your faith you are healed.

In today's age, I will be honest I never understood that story, we are far more accepting of things and not only that but medicine is much better so I always just took it as our faith helps us. Last night however, I had an exprience that I think I realize the desperation and the desire that this women might have had.

There is a woman at my church, she is older than me, she isn't old enough to have lost her husband but her husband was called to be with God. She is farther in her grief journey than I am and has really pulled up beside me, while different situations it has been nice. She has been the one to encourage me to go to griefshare, to cont. to try to make it through it all, now she is not the only one but I know that her grief is so real and new to her as well. She has made sure that I know that I am not crazy or that we might be crazy together but tht I am not alone in what I am feeling. She has been free to text and message allowing me to try to be transparent with some of the emotions that the world doesnt understwnd. I think to I look to her not only because she is older than I am but because she is farther in her faith that I am as well.

Anyway, last night we had a fellowship at church and we sat one table over from this wonderful lady. All night I couldn't help but think about how good she looked, how radiant she looked, how joyous she was, how happy. It was like I could almost see it oozing off of her, now it wasn't but I could see how God is healing her heart. I thought to myself, I want to be like that again. I want to be happy, I want to ooze joy and goodness. I wondered if i would ever make it to that point, to just be happy in the moment no matter what. I started to think that maybe if I moved tables, if I could sit with her maybe it would rub off on me. Maybe I could have some of that. I wondered what people saw when they looked at me if the saw joy or if they saw a black cloud. I wondered if I could steal just a drop of her personality and attitude just to try to make it through some of the things that are so heavy on my heart. I thought just an ounce, just a drop actually and that would be good. If I could get a hug and that would rub off on me, it would be fabulous. Joy, peace, raidance, contentment, glowing ... I was just in awe

I suddenly realize what that biblical woman must have felt, so desperate for God to show up knowing that if she could reach out, it would heal/help her.