So as 2011 comes to a close I have realized that as I flip things to a new calendar that there will be never ever be another year like 2011.  Now in some respects this is good… no 95 days in the hospital/PICU/TICU, no 30 blood and plasma transfusions, no 33 line replacements, no 15 button replacements, no who knows how ever many x-rays, and no weights of a child struggling to maintain.  There will be no marking the days that we are inpatient, no yellow highlighted appointments (yellow was Zach’s color for medical appointments), no green highlighted appointments (green was Zach’s color for therapy appointments).  There will be no cheat sheet in the back that has all of the medical professionals that were Zach’s alone, no trying to put all the phone numbers on that one page. 

There is also a huge sense of loss… more than just Zach dying.  I have realized that I am missing roles that I never knew I had. … I believe that every parent has a number of roles that we do, most of them are done without us even realizing it.  However, as I was transferring birthdays and anniversaries into the new calendar I realized that if you take out all the hospitalizations, all the weights, all the notes that had to do with mito, I don’t have much left.  I lost the roles of being the scheduler, driver, nurse, and mom.  I lost the ability to brag on a weight gain of 2 oz, something that to the normal person means nothing.  There will be no birthdays with weights under them.  Things that no one understands and that while I can’t explain it either my heart hurts. 

So what do I want you to know by reading this… don’t take the little things for granted.  While the frustrations of being the driving, psychologist, chef, etc can get to us at times not having those roles can be far worse. It is a lot of work to do all the things that we do for our loved ones.   If you have them all ripped away (even knowing that you one day would lose them) it is a huge sense of loss and even of being worthless.  Love all those that are near you and love all that you are given, they are huge blessings no matter who much work.  If I had known during Zach's life what I know now... I would have loved more, hugged more, and been more willing.  I am realizing now how much I miss him.

long time no type!

I have had this opened for a while; it Is like every word that I had left my body as we celebrated the birth of my Savior.  I still feel like there is nothing that I can write at this point that anyone would want to read.  The 1^st thing that I want to do with this post is to recap a little about our wonderful Christmas.

Christmas Eve we started a new tradition… Adam, Aden and I went to candlelight service, this isn’t new to us.  But it is the 1^st year that Aden went with us and actually understood what was going on.  He stood and sung with us, then he sat down with us and while the pastor was speaking Aden snuggled up to daddy and went to sleep.  It was by far the most comforting thing.  If you can’t sleep at church as a child what can you do?  He slept through the communion and it was heartwarming to know that he is that comfortable at church that he sung and worshipped with us but also went to sleep.   After communion, service, and singing we left and went to Adam’s parents.  We went to our 2^nd home, when we got there, we found out that Adam’s brother was there and we were able to all sit down together for Christmas Eve Dinner.  This is our new tradition (or at least one of many we hope) to go to The Moody’s house and enjoy dinner together we enjoyed a dinner of Roast, Rice, and Okra after we ate we read the “a tale of 3 trees” and “The Crippled Lamb).  After we visited for a while we headed home and turned in for the night. 

Christmas morning came and Adam and I watched Aden opened his Santa presents; we made sausage cheese balls and pigs in the blankets.  We got things ready for the moody’s to come over.  Once again we were surrounded by our whole family again.  We had all the moody’s over and we had an AMAZING time opening some gifts, before we knew it, we got ready for Church.  All the males had new clothes to wear, Mom had an outfit she got for her retirement and I wore a dress for a benefit that we were part of.  I was singing with praise team and took a second to just thing that this wasn’t just any Sunday this was Christmas Morning.  So we were ALL dressed up, I mean really dressed up.  I am glad though, I was totally honored to be going to church on Christmas Morning.  We came back did lunch finished opening presents and went to Adam’s family for Christmas Dinner.  We had a great time.

The day after Christmas we got up went to breakfast with the Moody’s and headed out to Zach’s grave, this was something that we wanted to do Christmas but with how bad it was raining and how cold it was, we decided as a family to wait till the next day.  We got there and it was still really COLD but it wasn’t raining, we were able to stand outside at least.  I put the new flowers at the grave: silver and white poinsettias with a copper butterfly.  Mamaw got a plaque that we placed at the grave and we placed heart shaped tea lights at the grave as well.  At that point we prayed for a bit, hugged and cried and went on with our day.  We know that Zach isn’t there; we know that he is playing in heaven enjoying all the things that he couldn’t do here on earth. We went to my Aunts house and got to have almost all of my family in one place at one table… My Aunt Peggy, Uncle Joe, Michael, Steph, Aunt Diane, Aden, Adam and Myself.  We had a dinner we enjoyed Steak and potatoes together and talking.  We played games, went on tractor rides, shot things out of the air gun.  We had a great time, honored to get to do things together as a family.  Thankful that we got to get together and that we get along well enough. 

His 4^th birthday, The 1^st day of school, Birthdays of his Papaw, Dad, Mom, Brother and Mamaw, Thanksgiving and now Christmas… those are just the dates that I remember.  Christmas is one of the BIGGEST family holidays for us… I can honestly say that we love our family, that our family loves each other.  So how did Christmas really go? I mean I know that you are wondering how we made it? If we cried? Screamed? Or what.  So the honest truth is that it was different, good but different.  We missed Zach, I know that I missed Zach; I missed his hug, his love and his joy.  He knew how to be happy with all that he had and even more happy with what he didn’t have.  We had our sad moments, the moments that we all cried.  I know that we were a little clueless; however, I can honestly say that God picked us up and protected us.  We had a couple of friends that blessed us with either shipping items to us, sending a gift card, or just encouraging me by sending money.  One person sent me a check which was the reason Christmas Cards got sent, with all going on, I was having trouble with it all.  I mean a Christmas card with 3 people just doesn’t feel right but I believe that the ones that got sent out where beautiful.  She told me that it would all be okay, no matter what I decided, that it would all be okay.  I believe that we are going to be trying to figuring out what our normal is for a while but I am thankful that Zach is safe and wonderful.  What would I do for another hug and to hear his voice? A lot but I don't wish him being Sick and being here on Earth.  I hope Zach is looking down, smiling at me and saving me a bunch of hugs.

Christmas Eve

The boys are asleep; Santa has come and gone, He ate a cutie and left a note.   Christmas Eve is coming to a close… I am left sitting here trying to wind down before all of the things that we are doing tomorrow. 

We took tonight to do a few things that we wanted to do, we went to candlelight service, we had a great time listening to music and doing communion.  Aden fell asleep during the service snuggled up to daddy.  Then we went and had dinner at Adam’s parents, it was nice to have all of us (Mr. Moody, Mrs. Moody, Al, Adam, Aden and myself) under one roof.  We took the time to eat dinner tonight together and be together sharing some of our traditions with Adam’s parents.  The reading of “the 3 trees” and “The Crippled Lamb”, both stories that we read every year but that they had never heard.  We came home and we put on our Christmas PJ, I have to say that I am very excited about them.  We allowed Aden to open his 1 Christmas eve present… he was stoked and we played until he was sent to bed.  However before he made it to bed, he tracked santa online.  Then Aden thought that Santa might be hungry so he left Santa a Cutie (which is a type of orange), he put it in a bowl and left it for him. 

All this to lead up to Christmas morning… presents, family, sausage cheese balls and wrapping paper being thrown at us.  Merry Christmas to all who may read this blog, there has been hard times and there are good times too.  For this I stand strong and hold on… thankful that I have people that will hold my hand.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve!!! Christmas EVE!!!!!!! In fact as I type this one of my friends is already into Christmas Eve day.  I can’t believe it.  I have learned something this year… Santa uses more than Reindeer these days.  He uses the internet, he uses FEDEX, he uses USPS, and he uses… well you get my point.  By the way, I learned something in typing that sentence that I didn’t know how to spell reindeer.  I have no words on how to say Thank you to those.   

I have also learned something else this year and it is something that I don’t know how to explain… but I am missing my champion gift picker.  Zach had this AWESOME ability to pick exactly what we needed.  He found and picked necklaces for his Mamaw.  I haven’t even seen them this year.  He picked the right size shirt that Adam needed, he would reach out and pick a shirt and it would magically be the right size.  How did he do that? I mean really, it has brought tears to my eyes on more than one occasion and in more than one location.

So we will continue with some traditions as tomorrow is Christmas Eve…. I can’t wait.  Some of the traditions are new and some are old.  We are going to be eating at Cracker Barrel, going to Candle light service, visiting a grave, having church on Christmas, and opening presents.  Oh I can’t forget eating… there is so much ham and hash brown casserole, haystacks, chocolate yes lots and lots more.  I am thankful that Christmas isn’t about the gifts but about Jesus being born.  I am thankful that for us Christmas is about family and about doing things together.  I am honored that I have a God that loves me so much that I have family and that I have experiences in my life that have shown me that it isn’t about the things. 

Last year we had to make Christmas at the hospital, yes I know that sounds wrong but it is what I meant.  We found out on the 23^rd that we were going to be at the hospital for Christmas, we got a little tree, dressed it up.  We went to the dollar store and got wrapping paper and all the decorations we could pull off the shelves… we wrapped the pictures in wrapping paper with huge bows on it.  We hung santas up and we did all we can…. We owned it.  When Christmas Day rolled around, Aden, Zach, Adam and I woke up at the hospital, Santa arrived and left presents.  The moody’s came with a huge spread of food… I mean everything and we set up a buffet in Zach’s room.  We made the best of it, Christmas isn’t about a place it is about what you believe and who you are with.  We know that Jesus was born and we know that we are blessed with family and friends that care. 

Tonight I want to end with you the sentiment of the ornament that we presented to the Moody’s…

I’ll be home for Christmas

And one day so will you.

The angels are waiting and

I’ll be waiting too!!!

To my family:  Adam, I am honored beyond words, know that I am here ALWAYS.  Aden, I am so proud of you and can hardly believe how big you are.  You are AMAZING!!!! Zachary, I love you and I am so honored that I am your mom!!! You taught me what Christmas is all about.  I am honored and thankful, please save me a hug or two and maybe a cupcake!! The Moody's, I love yall and I am thankful that you consider me to be yalls.  I don't know what I would do without yall.  Thank you isn't enough but I will continue to say it!  To my friends, you know who I am talking about... thank you for hanging with me and walking this road with me.  I love yall and am thankful for yall

Thursday night

The one night that we don’t have plans… 2 days till Christmas!!! Really 2 days, that is it!!! WOW, time has flown by, it hasn’t all been easy but it is something that I can honestly say was different than I expected.  How can time stand still but be racing by at the same time?

Today I did something that I have never done before I drove 45 mins to a store to let Aden play with friends and to have a moment where I got to converse, oh forget it we chit chatted, with friends.  It is the 1^st time since Zach died that I have done something with Aden and other little ones.  It was nice to know that the friends that Aden developed and the ones that I developed that they didn’t all go away.  Aden had a blast running around and being with other children, this seems to be a common thread.  That we are able to sit and chat, honestly about nothing, to just have a time where children can be just that and we can all have a good time.  It was tiring but fine.

Then I came home to a letter, one that I had been expecting but until I opened it and read the words, I didn’t realize what God was doing.  This letter had some money for us to do the things that we needed to for Christmas, so with it I went and printed out 65 Christmas cards.  Okay let me stop at Christmas Cards for a moment… I did 65 cards and that just includes Family and Church, that is no pumpkin mommas or anything so I guess I have to go get more printed, I didn’t realize that 65 wouldn’t be enough.  No idea if they will get to people before Christmas or not but because of this letter Christmas Cards got done.  Okay back to the card, I have to say that I have some of the sweetest people that care about us.  It is hard because it has been 6 months, many have forgotten all the things that have gone on or are happening.  They are no longer calling, emailing, stopping by or anything so to get this letter and to realize that a church many miles away is still praying for and thinking of us means more than I can type.  Thank you for the cards and for the Christmas morning and dinner groceries, it means a lot to me and I deeply appreciate it.  Oh and by the way, I will make a trip to starbucks and I will think of you!

So am I ready for Christmas NO, I am not! However, I realize that I am not going to get everything done and there is no way to get it all done.  There are many more cards to be written, clothes to be bought, presents to be bought and wrapped, much to be cooked and cleaned and places to go.  However, my Brain is tired out.. I miss some of the things from last year; I miss some of the people, some of the groups.  However there is still candle light service, Christmas breakfast, visiting Zach’s grave, being with family, going to church and singing and going to be with family.  The Christmas Season is busy and for a night that we have nothing planned and that the weather is bad what to do we do… promptly make plans to go eat Chinese and to spend some time just the 3 of us.  To come home and to rest in knowing that throughout all the hustle and bustle, all the hurt and pain, all the fun and laughter, God is still in control, this is still about a baby that was born to a virgin mom, who died on the cross taking all my sins, and that was raised from the dead on the 3^rd day.  It is still all about a mom who watched her son be punished for something that He didn’t commit.  It is still all about family and love, May you know how important you are!

After a message to a friend yesterday I received some information that has made my heart rest a bit…

I had one friend that let me know that it isn’t just me that is overwhelmed; I don’t mean that rudely, she wasn’t rude but we were having more of a conversation about all the things going on.  I don’t know a single person, married or single, with a child or without, working or not working, sick child or not…who isn’t overwhelmed.   Being overwhelmed this season seems to be touching EVERYONE.  It isn’t like it is just me, which I have to say made me feel 100% better about it.  It is nice to know that people are so busy, so hectic, have so much to do that across the board people are having difficulty with feeling overwhelmed.  I hate feeling that way but I know that the Christmas season is hectic anyway! 

The other thing that has helped me tremendously is that I had a friend write something to let me know that they were praying for me and for all the pain of this season.  Everyone talking about Jesus’ birth, after all for a Christian it is the most important thing.  However, she took a sec to remind me that this isn’t just a season about Jesus but about what He did and about who was impacted.  The comfort that is in my heart now is amazing.  Mary had Jesus.  Can you imagine her heart? She knew that she had never touched Joseph and yet she was pregnant.  She knew that Joseph could disown her and that the one that she loved could say no, he didn’t accept her anymore.  I am sure that she was nervous about traveling and about seeing people.  Could you imagine what people were talking about and what they were saying?

Then there is also the story that helped soothe my soul, Mary and Joseph raised Jesus.  They loved Him, they clothed Him, they even lost Him (They left Him in the temple and can come back to get Him, they found Jesus talking to the priest).  I am sure that they worried about Him getting hurt and about all the things that parents worry about.   Jesus was perfect but I am sure that Mary worried over Him, I am sure that He got sick.  She saw Him suffer and she saw her son die.  This is something I had never thought about.  We often say at our church that you can’t celebrate Jesus’ birth without realizing that with that birth came Jesus’ death as well.  He came to earth knowing that that He would die.  I was reminded that Mary had to celebrate Jesus’ birth and His death as well.  She was a mom hurting because she poured her life into her son. 

I know that it is something totally different than us and Zach but it helps soothe me a little to know that I am not the only one that hurts because I had my son die.  See I know that I didn’t lose Zach, I know where he is, he isn’t with me, I didn’t leave him somewhere , He is with God enjoying all the awesome things of Heaven.  See I know that this season is like no others, I am struggling to make it work and to help all the pain that is in my heart.  Even with knowing that Zach is in heaven and that he isn’t hurting or suffering anymore, I still miss him and this is still hard.  However, I am reminded it is all okay! I will be okay! I wouldn’t not have all the experiences I feel pretty blessed.   

Why is it that when something isn’t quite going right everything else messes up too?

I have been trying to finish up Christmas things; I need to shop, finishing making plans together with family, wrap things.  For me I still need to do Christmas cards, it is just so hard looking at that picture knowing that part of our family isn’t here with us this year.  Makes me wonder if they celebrate Christmas in Heaven, I mean think about it, if in Heaven we are continuously praising God, do they take the time out to celebrate Jesus’ birth.  I wonder if they have an AWESOME spread of food and they enjoy it all day long.  I wonder what Zach’s favorite food would be if he could eat it all.  Would he like the bacon the best still or will he love a few of the others and come with a new best.  Are there different foods there?  What are the new traditions that he has, I mean I know he is with my mom so that is new for him, but what else is Zach doing? Is he helping decorate Heaven?  Okay I know that I have lost it. 

I wanted to come home from lunch today and make some ornaments, I was thinking about doing salt dough ones, I am worried that loved ones are going to get too many ornaments and they are going to be overwhelmed.  However, before I really think about it too long or hard, I realized that Aden has an appt this afternoon which means that doing a project today is off.  Maybe tomorrow, I guess we need more of a project than making sure all the trash makes it to the curb (you know we need all the trash room we can get since Christmas is coming up).  However with the rain and the tears I think that sitting and staring into the tree is what I am going to do.

I have no idea what I am doing or how I am doing it, all I pray is that I am a good friend and that I make it through the next week or so.  My heart hurts and all the little things going wrong feel like daggers.