Heat

I am not a person who seeks out heat.  My husband however, will tell you in a heartbeat, he isn’t built for cold.  7 years ago, when Adam and I got married, I went and bought him this very large heating pad.  He made fun of it, I mean it was Jen sized, not Adam sized but I knew how bad he got stomach issues, how often he got headaches, and how bad his feet hurt.  So I bought the biggest on that I could that night not really realizing how big it was. 

Well, we have had discussions lately about it not getting as warm and it taking forever to get warm, so in the back of my head I thought, I know that he doesn’t really want anything but this would be something that he appreciated for Christmas.  I can do this, he would appreciate this.  So…there you have it an idea for a wonderful man, to make his life better.  Well I don’t like heat and tonight he threw it on me trying to get it out of the way it wasn’t hot at all, I was shocked and appalled, he needed it for his stomach and there wasn’t heat there to help him. 

So I got redressed and at 11:25pm I went to walmart to get a new heating pad.  Now standing there I had two options… 1. The new one that heats in 30 secs and was really soft and in red or 2.  The King size one; you know the huge one like what I bought 7 years before.  Well, 12 x24 is huge for a heating pad esp on a person that is 110 pounds on a bad day (or wait is that a good day).  So I stood there with the Wal-Mart lady looking at me wondering what in the world was taking me so long.  I decided to go with the King size one again.  It had been so good for Adam and many times we needed the length we would wrap his feet in it and he could rest with it instead of struggling to keep it on him.  So I bought it and came home.  When Adam got it unwrapped and saw that it was a big one he smiled ear to ear… he was thankful for the long one. 

All this to say tonight my husband is thankful for a heating pad and I am thankful that I can go to get the king one and that he could use it to sleep better. Thankful I am for heat and for my emergency run to the store.  The only downfall I can't buy it for him for Christmas anymore

Words...

When Zach got really sick for the last time, I felt the words of my heart leaving me, when Zach died I thought that I would never get my words back. I mean the words just aren’t there, how do you have a normal conversation when your heart is in pieces. For those that are reading this you might not understand this but when you are so upset and so worried do you find it easy to talk. If you are honest with yourself and with others you will get a taste of what I am trying to say… the words swirling in your head and in your heart. When Zach died, it was not only were the words swirling but they were racing so fast that I didn’t know what even start with.


A while after Zach died (the time so flows together so I don’t know exactly when), I was totally struggling with talking, I had a lifelong friend, a sister of our choice invited me to a baby shower. We knew that she was pregnant with a baby boy but we didn’t know a name at that time. In the craziness of family in her house, she and I were sitting on the sofa talking to each other, loving the time together that we don’t get nearly as often as we want or desire, she reached over took my hand and placed it on her belly. For the 1st time I understood what it felt like to feel a life, to have that jump of life be transferred to you something that we hear about but even more something that we can read a story in the Bible, When Jesus was still in the womb. Here am I with a friend and I am feeling her baby boy in her womb, I knew it was a boy, I just lost mine, it was awe inspiring to feel my words come back. Now I didn’t get them all back, but I felt some come back. This dear friend of mine who I count as a sister, allowed me to be that intimate with her to be part of that.

Several months later I decided to ask to start singing on stage again as part of the praise team at my church, for those that know me, you know that stepping off what hard but stepping on what hard as well. I didn’t know how I was supposed to help lead worship when I was struggling to hold it together. I emailed or texted the leader and instead of being shut down like I thought that I would, He told me to come on that I was welcomed back. So now I have been singing for roughly a month and I have to say there isn’t a moment that I don’t struggle…. Worshiping to me, singing to God, leading others is something that I hold very important but by being up there and being transparent: the tears, the laughter, the mistakes, the perfection… my words are being returned. They aren’t all back and I am often hit with a ton or racing thoughts and things that I can’t express, but I am learning it isn’t about the words it is about the heart, it is about being there, it is about caring. I wish I knew that all along.

I wish that I knew that it isn’t about being perfect nor doing it all, it is about caring and loving and being transparent. I wish I knew that it didn’t matter what you looked like or how much you fix it is about being there to help pick up the pieces.

Many times today I broke into tears, no rhyme no reason. This is something that I am struggling with. I want to be a light to the world; I want people to see God through me. See I know that I can’t do this alone. I know that it isn’t by my strength, I know that there isn’t something I can stop either. I feel like I used to write this blog and it made sense, that people saw it and they gained hope from it or that they at least thought that it makes sense. Now I feel like I am clueless and that I can’t write a sentence that people like much less a whole post.


Thanksgiving… Thankful for family, love, money, jobs, health, safely to name a few of the things that we are thankful for. I am thankful to keep families together. I have to admit that I am so thankful that I don’t have to walk this life by myself. See I know that I am failing at this job, I hurt, I cry, you know what I totally LOSE it. I don’t know how things are so amazing and yet hurt so badly at the same time. I haven’t figured out what that means and what it means to be so surrounded by people and yet feel so isolated. So that leads me to the Christmas season, the birth of God’s son. I was talking to someone today and realized that last year we were at the hospital and two years ago we delivered presents to the hospital for Christmas. This year we are without Zach and we are without the whole hospital experience. How does that happen?

So in this case I am learning that things hurt and things are for a reason, I know that it is for the glory of God. So that leads me to now, struggling to realize that we are wonderfully made and made to rely to on others, to need others, to have to gain strength on others. For me I am realizing that I am so very thankful that I don’t do this alone.

The pain and the hurt from Zach’s death is surfacing time and time and time again, it is something that people don’t understand. They ask… why do I think about it so much? Why don’t I just feel better? Why don’t I just move on? My short answer, because the pain is something that unless you have been through it you don’t understand. I have realized that I don’t know how to do anything but take a step at a time. It is something that is rooted in everything that we do and yet I am being told to move on. I am being expected to be happy, to walk like nothing happened.

So let me tell you this… I love my son, I love my family and I am honored to be a Moody. I have an amazing husband who is caring and sensitive and wonderful. I have wonderful in laws who are willing to walk the world for us. I have wonderful friends both new and far, who text, email, chat, and call me to check on me. I have a church that is made up of wonderful people, God fearing people and that makes a God fearing church. I am thankful that God holds me in the palm of my hand and that He loves me that much

Okay so how many times do I start this before we finish it… I started this and I was upset, so I stopped. I started this again because I was upset and Good happened so I stopped. I started this to give thanks but then started to hurt because of other things, so I stopped. I started this to say things sucked and then I realized that there is good and so I stopped. Please bear with me cause I have NO idea how to write anymore.


I have never realized how much things can go up and down, I heard it told to me that Children often grieve as a schizophrenic, meaning that they hurt one sec and literally in that same sec they are laughing and having a good time. It is one of these things that is super hard, I can’t explain it to people.

So the tree made it up, I honestly thought that it would be naked or undecorated for a bit, but to my surprise the tree got decorated. We cried through it, we tried to smile through it… but in reality we realized one thing. Things are harder than we thought they will be and we feel very isolated, lonely and misunderstood. I want to get a family ornament this year but are there 3 in our family or 4? How do we do an ornament for Aden? We get him one every year so when he gets older he will have a collection. I want to get something to honor Zach, to put on the tree every year and haven’t figure out what to get. I can’t even figure out where to go to get it. I still haven’t gotten things together to do pictures or even to figure out what we are going to. We are trying to figure out how to even think of all of this, it is so hard, we cried and cried and cried today

Holiday seasons are always special to us, we are family focused and it is even more so this year. I am learning some things are very difficult to know how they will hit you. In this case, I am learning things are very hard to know how it will hit us. Today was Zach’s favorite person’s birthday, his MaMaw. He loved her more than anyone. That hit me hard, none of us are getting hugs from Zach and we are trying hard.

So tears and laughter, pain, hurt and love we are going to walk this life. We know that everything that we are going through is for God’s glory, His grace is sufficient for me (for us). He loves us and we are walking this as a family, together so we are not alone. However, we are struggling feeling like it is a single battle that no one understands

already

I have had a hard time trying to figure out what to write, I have written several things only to read and to stop again. Everyone has been posting and writing about what they are thankful for, and then there are the birthdays…. Oh my what a busy week this must have been at the hospital. I guess the saving grace that they aren’t born the same year.


I guess this is thanksgiving week, I am going to bold enough, honest enough to write some things:

Holidays are hard, not just because Zach isn’t here but for almost 4 years our normal has been one thing and challenged. It isn’t just that Zach isn’t here physically is it is that we can’t go see him that he isn’t in the hospital, that we aren’t making new traditions. Figuring out what we want to do, need to do, and can skip, to figure out what is really part of us and what is something that can change. There is some stress in that too… pictures, cards, gifts, meeting up. Stress in trying to be who we need to be and who that truely is? Stress on trying to figure out what is really going to happen and what we are going to do and what is the most important things.

Holidays are about loving and caring on people. This is so very important to us. Without people loving on us I can promise you that life would be far tougher. This is why our house is open and why we enjoy having people over…. We can be the hug that they need.  We can be that safe place, that love!

Holidays have made my words sometimes not make sense, there are times when I feel like I can pour my heart out (either verbally or written) only to try to talk and not be able to. To say that I am okay would be a lie but yet, we are seriously asked that 500 times a day.  I dont' know how I am.

I would guess to say the biggest thing I would like you to know is that during this time it seems really lonely and isolating. Yes we have family around us and friends but it is like nothing makes sense and we are struggling. It is a time of the year that is focused on family, well part of it is missing and it isn’t just at the hospital. It is like I am that child that keeps running back to mom just to make sure she is still there, touching base only to find that not only is mom busy and no longer able to fill that need that we have.

I am thankful to have a wonderful family who will love on me no matter what. I am thankful for friends that will text me no matter the time. I am thankful for my friend who lives a world away but is 12 hours ahead so I can talk to a wonderful Christian friend when I am struggling at night

I am sitting here and have had a HARD time with things that I can’t explain…. We always joke about waiting up on the wrong side of the bed.  Well today I have to admit that I woke up on the wrong side, the complaining side.  I wasn’t mean to anyone but I was complaining about everything.  I think that for me I am hurting since the holiday season is coming, I have no idea how to do this.  It seems to be a resounding thread in my thoughts, I mean it is flying faster and faster, closer and closer and yet, I haven’t been able to piece it together.

So I am going to start by this.  I am thankful for many things; I have so very many things to be thankful for…

·         God, who listens to me and that, has blessed me beyond what I can imagine and with things that I can’t even begin to realize.

·         Adam, my husband, who is walking this journey with me.  There is no one else I rather walk with and be with through this all.  When we can’t figure out what to say and what to do, we are here with each other.

·         Aden, who keeps me on my toes and reminds me that things are amazing and wonderful

·         My Mother in law and Father in law, who I have to admit that I would totally and completely claim.  I couldn’t do this without them, I wouldn’t be able to.  They are willing to do all the things that I don’t know how to do, they LOVE Aden with their whole heart and I am honored to be in their family.

·         A HUGE group of friends that are walking with me, texting me, emailing me, iming me and I can THANKFUL, I couldn’t do it without them.  They are helping me remember that I am not in this alone.  I am thankful for all the ones that have helped me.  I couldn’t do this without you.

How do you know what to do?

There are several things that are the 1^st time we are going through things that I have no idea what to do…. We have made it past the “why did he die stage?” I know that people are going to ask that, although I have to admit there are times like today when I was at Scottish Rite with Aden that I am asked “where is your other son?” and I look at them and think “really, how do I tell you this?” to tell them that Zachary passed away June 14^th.  Today it caused someone to bust out in tears, I didn’t mean for it to but it happened.  So moments like that have happened a lot and they thankfully are becoming less and less

However, now we are beginning a whole new set of things… the HOLIDAYS! I have things that I am looking forward to, things that I know that I will be sad but want them to come and things that I know that I don’t want to happen because I don’t want to hurt in a way that I don’t know how to recover from.  I am looking forward to having company for Thanksgiving again this year so I am looking forward to that, I am looking forward to Thanksgiving service, and to cooking but I am terrified about keeping it together.  While I know that I don’t have to who likes to lose it in front of everybody, well let me answer that NOT me!

Then it is Christmas time I have been asked for a wish list which has been posted here several times (here it is again for those that want it again http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/29X9TFM02TWRT  If you have questions or if I can help explain something please let me know)  I look through things and I think Zach would like this, wonder if Zach can do that and it breaks me cause I realize that Zach well, he is enjoying Heaven doing things that I can’t even imagine, no earthly toy compares to it!  I realize that things that we "WISH" for are things that can't be given all the time, I can't have Zach back, I can't fix all the emotions or everything that has happened.  I realize that sometimes we would like and need things that people don't understand but they are so important to making things work.   

I can’t wait to put the tree up, Zach loves the tree, Aden loves the tree and really I love the tree, it is a way to put your heart on display.  Then I think about Christmas Cards, now if you know me you know that I love cards, I love to encourage and I love to send smiles through the mail… how do we do this? How do you take a family photo when one of you is missing? How do you schedule an appointment and make a family photograph when there is one that won’t be included? Who do you get to do it? The photographers that know your son or do you get someone else?  How much money do you spend and more so how do you pay for it when your heart is still breaking?  We haven’t figured this out yet.  Then there are stockings… Aden has one with an A on it and we never could find on with a Z on it, last year we were given 2 matching stocking for the boys… Toy Story (BUZZ) because both of the boys especially Zach LOVED Buzz.  We never got to use them.  Do we hang that one up this year? Do we hang them all up? Do we fill them? What do we do?

Okay so you get the point it is the 16^th of November and my brain is racing with all of these things that I can’t control and that we are going to have to figure out.  I am not sure that I am strong enough for this… I know that God is and I know that HE is always with me but I am struggling to figure out where to begin.  Please don’t take any of it for granted, Treasure and honor those things that can never be replaced if they are taken from you.